Book Report by Troy Petrie John and Julie Gottman

 Divorce rates in the US have increased significantly in the past 50 years.  John has developed a way to predict Divorce  Why save your Marriage?  Married couples live longer and healthier lives  The couple aren’t the only ones who suffer

 Emotionally Intelligent  Based on Friendship  Use Repair Attempts  Have Meaning and Purpose  Not Perfect Unions

 Marriages are 67% likely to end in divorce within 40 years.  50% occur in the first seven years  2nd marriages are 10% more likely to end in divorce

 Harsh Startup  The Four Horsemen  Criticism  Contempt  Defensiveness  Stonewalling  Flooding  Body Language  Failed Repair Attempts  Bad Memories

PERPETUALSOLVABLE  69% of marital conflict  Typical Problems  Religious Upbringing  Frequency of Sex  Having children  Nagging  Couples often lack the skills to solve these problems  Often use techniques that don’t work  Validation and good listening are hard to do under stress

 Dealing with Stress  In-Laws  Money  Itemize Expenditures  Manage Everyday Finances  Plan your Financial Future  Sex  Housework  Becoming Parents  Focus on marital friendship  Don’t exclude Dad from baby care  Let Dad be baby’s playmate  Carve out time for the two of you  Be sensitive to Dad’s needs  Give Mom a break

1. Enhance Your Love Maps 2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration 3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away 4. Let Your Partner Influence You 5. Solve Your Solvable Problems 6. Overcome Gridlock 7. Create Shared Meaning

 Lay down a positive view about your spouse  Respecting and appreciate their differences  The antidote for contempt  Identify then openly discuss your partners positive aspects  Recall positive aspects of your past

 Love Map - the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner.  Crucial to truly knowing your partner  Dreams  Hopes  Interests  Maintaining their interest

 Acknowledge your partner's small moments in life  Orient yourself towards them  Maintain that connection  Keep an emotional “Bank account”

 Partners learn to respect one another on a deeper level  Equally important to yield to your partner  Emotional Intelligence fosters empathy  Maintain your own identity  Yield to win

 Compromise on issues that can be resolved  Soften your startup  Complain don’t blame  Start with “I” not ”You”  Describe rather than judge  Be clear, polite, appreciative  Don’t wait to talk  Learn to make and receive repair attempts  Soothe yourself and each other  Compromise  Tolerate each other’s faults

 Major issues that cannot be resolved  Views are fundamentally different  Understanding of the other person  Become a dream detective  Deep communication  Work on an issue  Find a position so that the other person can empathize  Compromise may not be reached

 Create a shared value system  Continually connect through  Shared roles  Traditions  Symbols  Rituals

 I really enjoyed reading this book. I wish I had read it with my ex-wife before we were married and especially before we were divorced. John presents a lot of good techniques in his book. Many of them seem so obvious after I read about them. I see happy couples and I see what John refers to in the book. He’s right when he says happy couples are easy to pick out. I liked how he ended the book with “The Magic Five Hours”. The scheduled approach is appealing to me in that I am prone to let the little things go when I’m caught up in the daily grind.

 man_with_his_wife_Julie.jpg man_with_his_wife_Julie.jpg  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D and Nan Silver ISBN 