2 Types of Marriage: 1)Negative Sentiment Override - NSO 1:1 = Divorce NSO is based on a few basic processes that spiral out of control: Conflict shows a pattern of Demand change and Withdraw from the discussion; Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) is high especially during arguments, with elevated heart rate, perspiration, and pulse Women are more likely to begin with Harsh Startups, while men are more likely to become Flooded and Stonewall, and to rehearse stress-inducing thoughts. This leads to Gridlock, which may be resolved in one of two ways: Disengagement, which spells a slower divorce that ends at 12+ years, or a high conflict period marked by the 4 Horsemen, which spells a faster divorce in 5-7 years Negative comments and behaviors just about equal positive ones, with five or fewer positive comments for every negative one. However, couples showing about one positive for one negative comment are on the path to divorce. This means that there is a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist, and may cause the couple to "rewrite" their history together. Ask them what drew them together in the first place, and listen for a negative emotional tone to see this. You can not confront NSO directly; rather, you have to build the infrastructure for PSO first, and slowly shift the couple to building it further.

First Sign: The Harsh Startup Second Sign: "The Four Horsemen" Signs of Predicting Divorce The Core of the Message (Gottman) First Sign: The Harsh Startup Second Sign: "The Four Horsemen" "A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship." First Sign: The Harsh Startup (Is the tone immediately negative, accusatory, tense?) Third Sign: Flooding (The reason why people stonewall is to protect themselves from being flooded or overwhelmed by an onslaught of turbulent negativity that causes one partner to disengage emotionally, a.k.a."stonewalling.") Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts (Do attempts to break the tension and make peace succeed or fail?) Sixth Sign: Bad Memories (In happy marriages, couples tend to look back on early days and sigh happily. In less-than-happy marriages, well . . . any happy sighs have probably been replaced by grim frowns.)

1. Criticism Gottman—The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 1. CRITICISM *Gottman—“Attacking someone's personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame” (e.g. You don't care; you always think of yourself first; you never like what I do; you should . . . [Ibid., p. 73]). Gottman—The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse “… my name for four disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage your attempts to communicate with your partner. In order of least to most dangerous, they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. . . . As each horseman arrives, he paves the way for the next.” (Ibid., p. 72). *Gottman—“. . . a specific statement of anger, displeasure, distress or other negativity” (e.g., when your share of the chores don't get done, then it falls back on the rest of us to do them and that isn't fair to any of us; when you arrive after curfew, you show a disrespect for family rules, for the fact that we will worry about you, and for our right, to get a decent night's sleep.” [Ibid., p.75]). Gottman—“. . . Criticizing someone is just a short hop beyond complaining, which is actually one of the healthiest activities that can occur in a marriage. Expressing anger and disagreement—airing a complaint—though rarely pleasant makes the marriage stronger in the long run than suppressing the complaint.” (Ibid., p. 73.)

2. Contempt: Intentional insulting or name-calling Hostile humor Mockery—mimicking, making fun of, using ridiculing words and actions Body Language—sneering, rolling eyes, looking away, curling upper lip *Gottman—“What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you're lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner’s sense of self” (Ibid., p. 79).

Denying responsibility Making excuses Yes-butting 3. Defensiveness- Feeling victimized by others in response to contempt. Denying responsibility Making excuses Yes-butting Repeating-yourself syndrome Whining Body language Gottman— “The essence of defensiveness is self-protection, a natural response to warding off a perceived attack. . . . The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive—the ‘victim’ doesn't see anything wrong with being defensive. . . . If you are being defensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance), you are adding to your . . . troubles” (Ibid., pp. 85, 89). 1. Denying responsibility: “It wasn't my fault. It was your fault.” 2. Making excuses: “I couldn't help it; I know I promised I'd get it done, be home when I said, but . . .” 3. Rubber man/rubber woman: “You don't listen to me. . . . Well, you don't listen to me. . . .” 4. Yes-butting 5. Repeating-yourself syndrome—repeating your own stance over and over in an attempt to prove you are right rather than trying to understand another's perception. 6. Whining: “It's not fair,” etc., etc. (always the victim) 7. Body language (clenched fists, arms folded, body turned away)

4. Stonewalling—Withdrawing from interactions Gottman—“Stonewalling often happens while a couple is talking. The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall . . . about 85 percent of them are men . . . the message to the spouse is the same: I am withdrawing, disengaging from any meaningful interaction with you. If either spouse refuses to communicate whenever conflict arises, it can be hard to heal a marriage . . . once either spouse develops into a habitual stonewaller, the marriage becomes fragile.” (Ibid., pp. 95-96.)

Fourth Sign: Body Language Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts Signs of Predicting Divorce The Core of the Message (Gottman) Third Sign: Flooding Fourth Sign: Body Language Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts Sixth Sign: Bad Memories "A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship." Third Sign: Flooding (The reason why people stonewall is to protect themselves from being flooded or overwhelmed by an onslaught of turbulent negativity that causes one partner to disengage emotionally, a.k.a."stonewalling.") Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts (Do attempts to break the tension and make peace succeed or fail?) Sixth Sign: Bad Memories (In happy marriages, couples tend to look back on early days and sigh happily. In less-than-happy marriages, well . . . any happy sighs have probably been replaced by grim frowns.)

Gottman’s 2 Types of Marriages 2) Positive Sentiment Override – PSO PSO is built on a few basic processes: An intact Fondness and Admiration System Love Maps Conflict is marked by Softened Startups soothed Physiology during the argument Acceptance of Influence Repair Attempts De-escalation Bids for Affection Gridlock on problem issues is avoided Positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones about 20:1. This means that there is a positive filter that alters how couples remember past events and view new issues. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you dislike someone, the way they hold their fork will make you furious. But if you like them, they can turn their plate over in your lap and you won't even mind." That's because of PSO. An intact Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other. Remember Oprah's idea of a "thankfulness log," or a daily list of things you appreciate and are thankful for? This is how it helps marriages. Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner's world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times. Have you ever seen those marriage quizzes that ask things like, "True or False: I know what my partner wants to be doing in five years" or, "True or False: I know my partner's most painful childhood memory"? These are the kinds of things that people know about their partners when they have well-defined Love Maps. Copied from the web. Conflict is marked by Softened Startups, or tactful ways to bring up a problem, soothed Physiology during the argument so no one gets "emotionally overheated," Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women), Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there's about one effort every three minutes for most couples), De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned Gridlock on problem issues is avoided by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner's needs

Ways People React to Bids for Connection The opportunity for emotional connection is possible every time we engage in a conversation. Gottman's concept is simple. When we talk to people there is a possibility of three outcomes from the other person: 1. to come closer (Turning Toward) 2. to go further way (Turning Away) 3. to stay at a neutral place. Turning Away Responses to Bids for Attention Common Turning Away obstacles to connection in relationship include: 1. Passive, noncommittal responses 2. Preoccupied, ignoring responses 3. Disregarding responses 4. Interrupting and changing the subject responses Happily married couples bid for connection often. Happily married couples turn towards each other and bid with interest, smiles, humor and shared meanings. They develop a reciprocal interest sharing kind of relationship. Ways People React to Bids for Connection The opportunity for emotional connection is possible every time we engage in a conversation. Gottman's concept is simple. When we talk to people there is a possibility of three outcomes from the other person:

Turning Against Responses to Bids for Attention The Turning Against responses were negative and angry. These types of responses included: 1. Belligerent responses such as being provocative, or wanting to pick a fight. 2. Contradicting and disparaging responses, such as wanting to debate and disagree, although less hostile than belligerence responses. 3. Domineering responses included attempts to control, get the other person to back off or be submissive. 4. Critical responses such as blaming and judgments made on the other person. Sentences that start out with blaming statements like "You always..." are critical responses. 5. Defensive responses include the statements of saying, "It's not my fault." in irritation and relinquishing responsibility. Responding with Turning Away or attack are subtle ways of saying " I don't care to be bothered by you." Feelings of loss and disappointment bring trouble to a relationship. The Turning Away From and the Turning Against responses created hurt, disappointment, anxiety, and discouragement, which then affected the quality of the marriage. How the partner responds to an emotional bid is important. When someone makes an emotional big for connection often and is rejected by their partner, the relationship suffers. This is called "unrequited turning." When a partner's attempts for connection are not met, the partner stops trying and a relationship sours. Unhappy marriages rarely bid at all, creating a type of "roommate marriage." People hardly rebid at all in marriages headed for divorce.

Effective repair is easier to accomplish when there are Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other. This means decreasing negativity during and after fights, as negativity is the best predictor of divorce over six years (85% accuracy), and effective repair skills increases prediction accuracy (97% accuracy), as among even highly negative newlyweds, 85% of those who effectively repair stay happily married.

SPEAK NON-DEFENSIVELY VALIDATION OVERLEARNING CREATING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION PATTERNS CALM DOWN SPEAK NON-DEFENSIVELY VALIDATION OVERLEARNING Gottman—“Calming down is the exact physiological opposite of flooding. When you're flooded, you are extremely upset and physiologically aroused. By calming down you take a direct step toward reversing that distress. Calming down is especially important for men since . . . they are more likely to feel physiologically overwhelmed sooner than women during a heated marital exchange." (Ibid., p. 176.) Use praise and admiration—“The single most important tactic for short-circuiting defensive communication is to choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse and to reintroduce praise & admiration into your relationship” Gottman—“It is an antidote to several of the horsemen—criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. Instead of attacking, or ignoring your partner's point of view, you try to see the problem from your partner’s perspective, and show that you think that viewpoint may have some validity. . . . Validation is a real art and has many gradations. At the top of the is scale true empathy and understanding.” Gottman—“When you've had one successful fight using these techniques, you may think you've mastered the strategies. . . . Each time you rehearse being non-defensive or validating is new and different and it's important to keep trying, even when you're tired and don't feel like it. Eventually these strategies will become more automatic. . . . The idea is that if you overlearn a communication skill, you'll have access to it when it when you need it most- during an argument or heated fight… that’s when all of this overlearning will pay off.”

Gottman's Cure Principle 1: Enhance Your "Love Maps" Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away \ Principle 1: Enhance Your "Love Maps" Example: At one extreme, take a husband who doesn't know what color his wife's eyes are, has lost track of how many kids they have or what their names are . . . you get the picture. At the other extreme, take a husband who knows that his wife loves a gentle rub on the back of the neck, really loves a phone call for no reason at all, and loves spending a night during the week alone together, away from the world. The point is simple but important: the depth and detail of each partners' "map" of the others' likes and dislikes, values and goals, the less it's a guessing game what makes the other happy. Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration What do you like or love about the other person? Every relationship has positive qualities that brought the two individuals together; those qualities can either be kept alive (food, water, and sunshine where they grow lavishly) . . . or the can wither away from neglect. A good practice is to deliberately tend to and nurture them. Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" applies to relationships as well, not just journey of thousands of miles. In other words, a positive relationship, according to Gottman, is less a matter of huge, grand, sweeping gestures, but the small, everyday interactions that might seem like insignificant details. The details are all-important. Chitchat isn't just chitchat - it's a way of building and maintaining a connection of emotional engagement.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You This is an often misunderstood way of saying that both partners should have a fundamental mutual respect. Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems Some marital problems - who takes out the garbage, takes care of the kids - are solvable; others (issues about children, sex, religious faith) are more perpetual. Gottman states that you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive; but solving the ones that can be solved is important. Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock Gridlock: being stuck in seemingly insolvable problems with arguments you've had a hundred times. It's the Mexican Standoff of relationships, that wastes years of our lives. Gottman explains that the underlying reason behind gridlock is that each partner has core underlying dreams for their life which fuel the conflict, and those dreams aren't being addressed or respected by the other. Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning What often brings people together is agreement about a deep way of life, sense of meaning and purpose. An important part of a marriage pact means getting the big picture straight ("What am I doing with my life, and why?") and respecting the meaning each other is living.

Gottman's research says that men hold the key to whether the relationship will succeed or not. When the husband is mindful of his responses to his wife and shows interest and caring, there is more of a chance for a happy marriage. In happy marriages, husbands turned towards their wives more than men from unhappy marriages. Women usually turned towards the husband's bids whether the marriage was happy are not. When both turned against each other, husbands typically became hostile or suppressed their emotions. When spouses typically turned away from each other's positive bids for attention, both respond with more hostility during arguments. Disconnected couples hardly talked to each other and failed to connect. His research showed that in general, men are more critical and irritable than women when they are stressed in talking about a difficult subject. Men were more likely to " fight or flight," while women were more likely to "tend and befriend." The wives ability to stay calm and interested during a confrontation helped keep the husband stable.

Practical Steps: 2 Keys To A Happy Marriage 1. The Soft Startup: Speak Sweetly When You Start a Sticky Subject Soft start-ups when beginning a serious discussion are important in creating a climate for problem solution. Soft start-ups include statements like, "I was worried when you didn't call. I really appreciate it when I know your change of schedule." or "Honey, I need a new dress. Could we sit down and discuss our budget?" Soft start-ups being with something positive, express gratitude and start with the word "I" instead of "You." Complaints are presented in a hopeful, helpful way so that problems can be resolved, not debated. Harsh start-ups begin with a demand or accusation set the tone for anger in the fight. Think of the guests on the Jerry Springer show who start out with ugly, angry words and then escalate. ! Harsh set ups start the word "You" which is followed by a complaint. They jump right into complaining without setting the climate for a resolution of the problem. They focus on what is wrong and make judgmental comments about the person's character. Harshful criticism includes blaming, demands and set the tone of being willing to fight. Anytime you hear yourself saying "You never..." or "You always..." you are using a harsh start up.

2. Emotional Bidding: Practice Emotional Bidding and Responses So the research says that how you respond to your partner's bids for attention depends on whether you have a happy, loving relationship or not. Positive engagement by couples increases affection and interest while having an argument. The moral of Gottman's research? Kindness works. Respect is crucial. Show interest in what your partner says and you will build up big dividends in your relationship. Look for the good in your partner and make it known. Say what you like out loud and you will get more of it. Men, pay attention to the emotional needs of your wife. Return your partner's bids with positive interest and you will have more happiness in your life. The system of bids and turns and emotional command systems works broadly across all kinds of relationships, not only marriage, according to Gottman. And opportunities for making and responding to bids abound. A typical happy couple may make 100 bids over the course of the dinner hour. Bids also can be as ordinary as an encounter in the grocery store. "The clerk may say to you, 'How are you?' You can say, 'Fine' and that's it. Or you can say, "Great, how are you?'" says Gottman. "That's a pretty ordinary conversation and most exchanges with strangers seem trivial. But they enhance life, make life seem more pleasant and give you a different sense of the world around you when people turn toward you." It's just a matter of remembering to treat people the same way you would if they were guests in your home, he believes. In a close relationship these bids and responses are critical because they build the relationship.

Practical Steps: The Magic Five MARITAL QUALITY John Gottman—“Amazingly, we have found that it all comes down to a simple mathematical formula: no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable. . . . [The] magic ratio is 5 to 1” (Gottman, John, 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Fireside, pp. 29, 57). Practical Steps: The Magic Five 1. Partings 2. Reunions 3. Admiration/appreciation 4. Affection 5. Weekly date From the book The Secrets to Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. He says that these five things are the ones that keep all marriages going strong. He says that if you do these, you’ll magically be able to have a fulfilling marriage. 1. Partings: learn one thing about spouse’s day. 2. Reunions: have a stress-reducing conversation at end of the day. 3. Admiration/appreciation: give/say genuine admiration or appreciation toward your spouse each day. 4. Affection: kiss, grab, hold and touch during time together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. Think of kiss as way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. 5. Weekly date: relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update each other’s love maps. Think of other questions to ask your spouse (where should we take our next vacation? or How are you feeling about your boss these days?).