GREAT EXPECTATIONS Polly Shulman CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS GREAT EXPECTATIONS Polly Shulman

Polly Shulman She is an alumna of Hunter College High School, Hampshire College Summer Studies in Mathematics, and Yale University, where she majored in math.  She is a published author of young adult books such as The Grimm Lagecy, The Wells Bequest,and Enthusiasm. Her article “Great Expectations” was published in Psychology Today magazine in 2004.

Current statistics indicate that nearly half of all mariages will end in divorce. If you are not married, ask yourself why you want to get married? If you are married, why did yo choose to do so? The most common answer is for love. Surveys result of young adults a century ago found that the majority wanted to get married for much more pragmatic reasons such as to have children and to own a home.

The problem is not marrying for love actually but rather than entering a marriage with certain expectations.The love they experiences after marriage does not conform to their expectations. Polly Shulman examines the type of unrealistic expectations that people today have for marriage as well as the sources of such expectations. We want a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the "right" reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be.

According to Linda Waite (Sociologist at Universitiy of Chicago); Married people are more financially stable Both married men and married women have more assets on average than singles; for women, the differential is huge.  Married people, particularly men, tend to live longer than people who aren't married. Couples also live better: When people expect to stay together, they share their resources, increasing their individual standard of living. 

 In general, women improve men's health by putting a stop to stupid bachelor tricks and bugging their husbands to exercise and eat their vegetables. People who aren't comparing their partners to someone else in bed have less trouble performing and are more emotionally satisfied with sex. The relationship doesn't have to be wonderful for life to get better.The statistics hold true for mediocre(average) marriages as well as for passionate ones.

 Paul Amato (professor of sociology) says, The idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment and happiness is relatively new.  Surveys of high school and college students 50 or 60 years ago found that most wanted to get married in order to have children or own a home. Now, most report that they plan to get married for love. According to Joshua Coleman-a psychologist,Flagging(weak) passion is often interpreted as the death knell of a relationship.   Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. There's an enormous amount of pressure on marriages to live up to an unrealistic ideal.

 "Marriage is a disagreement machine," says Diane Sollee(founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education). "All couples disagree about all the same things. We have a highly romanticized notion that if we were with the right person, we wouldn't fight." 

The urge to find a soul mate is not fueled just by notions of romantic manifest destiny. Trends in the workforce and in the media create a sense of limitless romantic possibility.

According to Scott South, a demographer at SUNY-Albany, proximity to potential partners has a powerful effect on relationships. South and his colleagues found higher divorce rates among people living in communities or working in professions where they encounter lots of potential partners—people who match them in age, race and education level. “These results hold true not just for unhappy marriages but also for happy ones”says South.

 According to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago; in an era when marriages were difficult to dissolve, couples rated their marriages as more satisfying than do today's couples, for whom divorce is a clear option. While we expect marriage to be "happily ever after," the truth is that for most people, neither marriage nor divorce seem to have a decisive impact on happiness.

 Although Waite's research shows that married people are happier than their single counterparts, other studies have found that after a couple years of marriage, people are just about as happy (or unhappy) as they were before settling down. And assuming that marriage will automatically provide pleasure is itself a strong recipe for misery. Psychotherapist Terrence Real says “A real relationship is the conflict of my humanity and yours, in all its joy and limitations.“ Also he says "How partners handle that conflict is what determines the quality of their relationship.“…..

QUESTIONS ? What is the most important factor(s) in successfull marriage or relationship, do you think? Do you think to have great expactations from marriages or relationships always cause big problems? why do couples rated their marriages as more satisfying than do today's couples?