Relational Aggression - Bullying in the Girl’s World

What is Conflict? Conflict Normal Often not serious Equal emotional reaction Not seeking power or attention Not trying to attain something Remorseful; takes responsibility Effort to solve the problem

What is Bullying? Done on purpose Happens repeatedly Serious; threat of physical harm or emotional or psychological hurt Seeking power or control Trying to attain material things or power No remorse; blames victim No effort to solve the problem

Bullying may result from… a sense of entitlement an intolerance toward difference a liberty to exclude, isolate and segregate a person deemed not worthy of respect or care

Bullying is… A relationship problem that occurs between two or more people where one person has more power than the other To deal with relationship problems we must use relationship solutions

Why focus on bullying? Persistent bullying can leave long-term scars on the victim Students who bully others are likely to engage in other anti-social or delinquent behaviours Bullying contributes to a negative social climate Bullying is a widespread problem amongst school children Role rehearsal for adulthood New legislation Bill 157 Because we CARE…

Relational aggression is like…

Odd Girl Out ~ Rachel Simmons Bullying in girls peaks between ages By middle childhood most relational aggressors are girls There is a hidden culture amongst girls in which bullying is an epidemic Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forces their aggression into non physical, indirect and covert forms

Society’s Gender Roles Western society still expects boys to become family providers and girls to be nurturers Females are expected to mature into caregivers; a role deeply at odds with aggression Boys’ popularity is rooted in their toughness, athletic prowess and resistance to authority Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity

Aggression in Girls Girls not immune to aggression but express anger in unconventional ways When aggression cannot be directed at the target, the perpetrator has to find other channels Cultural rules against typical forms of aggression lead girls to engage in other, non- physical forms

Girls and Aggression ~ What we see Girls attack within tightly knitted networks of friends Girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists Non-physical aggression is seen as a rite of passage for girls and a natural phase of their development Schools often simply write off girls aggression as this rite of passage and it often goes unchecked

Understanding the Girls’ World Girls are typically social beings with their identity gained within social groups Relational Aggression is: Aggressive, hurtful behaviors from within social relationships or friendship groups Main form of bullying used by girls (Girl Bullying)

“It’s all fun and games…”

What Girls Do Back biting Exclusion Rumours Gossip Name calling Manipulative affection Inflict psychological pain Cut eye and other hurtful forms of body language Aliance building Cyber Bullying

Motivation for Relational Aggression Fear Power Control Popularity Security Competition Jealousy Retaliation

Roles within the Girls’ Social Group Queen Bee – holds all the power Sidekick – allows herself to be controlled by the Bee Wannabe – like the name implies Gossiper – using info to gain power Floater – moves in and out of groups Target – receiver of violence and/or threats Bystander – witness who feels caught in the middle

The Queen Bee Also known as the alpha girls Person who chooses to hurt or damage a relationship Most often false, over- confident and loud Friends do what she wants Defines right/wrong by loyalty to friendship Doesn’t take responsibility for hurting others Often charming to adults

The Sidekick Second to the Queen Bee but can also be a target Supports Queen; mirror image of the queen Feels the Queen is the boss and allows herself to be pushed around Will listen to Queen re: dressing, thinking, talking Will lie for Queen

The Wannabe Other girls’ opinions and wants are more important than hers She can’t tell the difference between what she wants and what the group wants Desperate for the “right” look (clothes, hair, etc.). Feels better about herself when others come to her for help, advice Loves to gossip---phone and are vital to her

Words Hurt……

The Gossip Extremely secretive; good communicator; gives the impression of being a good listener and trustworthy Seems to be friends with everyone; needs to be admired and important Seemingly nice; uses confidential info to gain popularity “Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…”

The Floater Moves freely amongst cliques; avoids conflicts Popular and nice; but not TOO popular Has respect for others; doesn’t try to influence or exclude others Not competitive or trying to win friends

The Target Often feels helpless to stop others’ behaviours Feels excluded or like a “loser” Often ridiculed by the Queen and sidekicks Used and manipulated by others Put down by others May look terrified Often walking alone or with head down

The Torn Bystander Often finds herself having to choose between friends Accommodating Peacemaker---wants everyone to get along Doesn’t stand up to anyone she has conflict with---goes along to get along

The Cyber Bully Usually done, or at least planned, in a group Done for entertainment Occurs from a school library, slumber party, or from the family room Grows when fed by group admiration, cliques or by the silence of others Quickly dies if they don’t get the entertainment value they are seeking

Cyber Bullying ~ The Kitchen

Signs of Relational Aggression Sadness Loneliness; isolation Feelings of powerlessness Inability to trust Anger; frustration Helplessness Lower interest and performance in school School avoidance Somatic symptoms (stomach aches, headaches) Eating disorders Mood disorders Self harm Suicidal Ideations

What to Do? Dr. Michelle Anthony, author of Little Mean Girls Can Be Mean talk about a 4 Part Plan: OBSERVE CONNECT GUIDE SUPPORT HER TO ACT

The 4 Step Plan…… OBSERVE Things to watch and listen for: She is being picked on/excluded Pattern of on/off again friendships Speaks negatively about certain girls in a certain way Sudden marked change in mood Sudden withdrawl from favourite activities Changes in eating sleeping habits Avoiding certain social situations

The 4 Step Plan……. CONNECT Important step Keep talking and lines of communication open Assist with clarification of feelings (confusing) Empathize Statements like…. “I notice when you come home……” “Oh, I see. How does it feel when she says those things to you…..” “Tell me more about that……”

The 4 Step Plan GUIDE Work as a team to generate some possible ways to work through situation Refrain from “telling” Some helpful ideas might include: Ways to expand her social circle (after school activities, teams, clubs, drop in) Ask who the kids are that seem to get along well with everyone BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL Role play

The 4 Step Plan SUPPORT HER TO ACT Once you have generated strategies for action: Allow her to choose Role play ahead of time Be there when she comes back (listen, empower, guide) Overtime she will be a more “empowered” person entering in to new social networks Strong, confident, resilient

Steps to Stop Mean Girls Behaviour 1. Get Educated 2. Know the Signs of the “Mean Girl Scene” 3. Be Proactive

Be Proactive Teach conflict solving Start with one ally Broaden her experiences Boost EMPATHY Don’t push too hard on being “popular” Help her discover her passions/strengths Watch TV ~engage in social media together Point out positive female role-models Expect RESPECT BE the EXAMPLE you want your daughter to COPY a

Resources Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by Michelle Anthony, Reyna Lindert, Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., Reyna Lindert, Ph.D. Michelle AnthonyReyna LindertMichelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D.Reyna Lindert, Ph.D. Queen Bees & Wannabes Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind WisemanRosalind Wiseman Dr. Michelle Borba’s Reality Check Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons Websites