Child Behavior & Guidance Part 4: Positive Guidance & Discipline Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service Core In-Service November 24, :30-11:00 a.m. Debbie Richardson, Ph.D. Parenting Assistant Extension Specialist Human Development & Family Science Oklahoma State University

In-Service Objective Extension Educators will be able to identify positive guidance and discipline strategies and tools for use with toddlers through school-age/pre-teen children 2

3 Tomorrow’s Gifts  What are goals, hopes, desires for the child?  What behaviors and skills do you want them to develop?  What can you do to help accomplish these goals?

4 What is Socialization & Guidance?  Sharing rules for living through example, demonstration, explanation, and focusing attention  Shapes behaviors with love, respect  Reinforce desired behavior  Is like gardening…

5 Positive Discipline  Teaches appropriate behavior and responsibility  Utilizes learning opportunities  Supports development of self-control  Shows how to get along with others, caring  Encourages independence, self-direction  Enhances self-worth, sense of competence  Protects children from harm  Sets reasonable, consistent limits while still allowing some choice among acceptable alternatives

6 Positive Guidance & Discipline  Is ongoing - long-term focus  Based on age and stage of development  Based on appropriate expectations for each child

7 Effective Discipline  Nurturing Children learn best when loved & supported  Guiding Teaching how to act, manage feelings, learn responsibility, solve problems  Correcting Responses to misbehavior that help learn how to behave better in the future

8 Criteria for Effective Discipline 1.Does it help children feel a sense of connection? 2.Is it respectful and encouraging? 3.Is it effective long-term? 4.Does it teach important life skills? Nelson & Erwin (2002)

Positive Discipline  Being a good example by staying calm and in control of feelings  Reduce need to say “no” with reasonable planning & childproofing  Learn what behavior is realistic for child’s stage of development  Give child words to tell how they feel and how to work out conflicts  State kindly but firmly a few reasonable rules & what will happen if rules are broken  Patiently repeat rules realizing young children need time to learn  Enforce consequences when child breaks a rule that he/she understands  Tailor guidance to child’s unique needs, temperament 9

10 Negative Discipline  May temporarily stop misbehavior, but seldom helps a child learn why behavior was wrong and does not teach expected good behavior  May model and reinforce undesired behaviors (e.g., screaming, belittling, threatening, hitting, being secretive, manipulation)  May damage trust and child’s view of self  May build feelings of powerlessness, fear, hopelessness, anger & resentment  Inhibits development of self-discipline  May cause physical injuries and harm brain development

Negative Discipline  Use shame or hurt to tell child she/he has done something wrong  Control child rather than child using internal control  Sarcastic or belittling looks and remarks; tease  Unrealistic expectations of child’s behavior  Name calling  Threats of abandonment  Depriving child of basic needs (food, water, sleep)  Shaking child when frustrated or angry  Long time outs away from other people  Slapping or spanking parts of the child’s body  Believing and acting as if child is “out to get you” 11

12 Results of Punishment Children subconsciously may respond in one or more ways… 1.Resentment – This is unfair… 2.Rebellion – You can’t make me… 3.Revenge – I’ll hurt you back… 4.Retreat – I’m a bad person 5.Sneakiness – I won’t get caught next time Nelson & Erwin (2002)

13 Types of Discipline Abusive-Harsh-Positive-Permissive-Neglectful extreme……….moderate…………extreme

14 Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997).

15 Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997).

16 Reframe Common Attitudes About Discipline Get rid of conflict Same problems over & over Discipline interrupts Conflict is inevitable. Use it to teach What skills are missing? Discipline/guidance is a key part of care

Guidance & Discipline Tool Kit  Relate to child’s development  Be detached  Set limits  Clear directions & choices  Rules - few but simple  Be firm & consistent  Positive attention & encouragement  Ignore misbehavior  Change setting or environment  Redirect, distract, divert attention  Time out/cool-down  Natural & logical consequences  Talk about feelings  Problem-solving 17

Set Limits  Specific expectations  Guidelines or rules  Shows concern and love  Children need limits  Limits that: protect children from physical harm protect property protect children and others from psychological harm emphasize respect for others 18

19 Setting Rules  Have a few reasonable, simple rules – i.e. safety, noise, property, interactions  Involve children in developing rules  Post rules visually (words, pictures)  Teach rules systematically  Use fun ways to reinforce rules  Reinforce rules often at first then less with time

20 Giving Directions  Get children’s attention before giving direction  Minimize # of directions  Individualize the way directions are given  Be clear, specific, concise  Give directions that are positive  Allow children opportunity to respond  When appropriate, give child choices & options for following directions  Provide positive feedback of children’s behavior

21 Using Positive Attention  Look for appropriate behaviors – it’s easy to leave children alone when all is well  Spend more time using positive language and less time giving directions or corrections  Use verbal and nonverbal forms of positive feedback and encouragement  Individualize to children’s needs and preferences  Encourage other adults to us e

22 Using Positive Feedback & Encouragement – 4 Principles  Contingent on appropriate behavior  Descriptive & specific rather than general “good job”  Convey with enthusiasm  Based on effort

23 Ignoring Misbehavior  Not appropriate for abusive, destructive, unsafe behaviors.  Identify 1-2 specific behaviors to focus on  Plan carefully  Neutralize reactions to misbehaviors  Return your attention as soon as child begins to behave appropriately  Teach other children to ignore inappropriate behaviors

24 When you Ignore  Most children will initially react with an increase in challenging behavior to attract attention  Be prepared to wait out the testing period  Remember…Consistency is the key!

25 Redirection  Can be nonverbal, verbal, or physical  Should not be confrontational  Should focus on behavior you saw and provide specific feedback I saw you take that toy from Cameron. Can you give it back or should I help you?  When children are withdrawn or off task, it’s important not to ignore

Time Out  To regain self-control  Is not punishment  Suits ages 3 to 12 years - should not be used under 3  About 1 min. per year of age  More likely to work if “time in” is positive  Plan ahead  Do not overuse 26

Reverse Time Out For adults to take a break 27

28 Consequences  Helps children learn from experience & take responsibility for their behavior  Must logically relate to the behavior  Child must see the relationship and know there is a choice  Use in a firm, kind, friendly manner  Infants and toddlers may not be able to understand or control

29 Consequences can be… Natural To learn natural order of the world. If you don’t eat, you will be hungry. Logical Arranged by adult to fit situation. If you don’t put dirty clothes in the hamper, you won’t have clean clothes to wear.

30 Use Discipline Problems to Talk about Feelings  Young children may not understand how they or others are feeling  Try to describe the feelings you see  Children can learn the effect their behavior has on others  Tell the child exactly what he/she did that made someone else upset

31 Problem-solving & Cooperation  Children as young as 3 can begin to work out problems  Ask children to… - name the problem - offer solutions - both agree to the solution

32 The Incredible Years Parent Training Program, Webster-Stratton.

33 A strong, close parent-child bond built on trust and respect is the foundation for discipline that teaches self-control

34 Discipline Reminders  Stay calm  Provide a short time to “cool down”  Take action as soon as possible  Be consistent  If you don’t get the results you want, think the situation through and try again.  Keep and use and sense of humor!

35 Promoting Children’s Success  A change in a child’s behavior usually occurs with a change in the adult’s behavior or practice  Build positive relationships with children, families, and co-workers  Design an environment that promotes child engagement  Focus on teaching children what TO DO – teach expectations, routines, & skills

Tips for Positive Parenting Tools  The more tools parents have, the more effective they will be  Many parents use positive tools but may need to unlearn negative ones  Positive tools offer options for teaching and solving problems  No one tool works every time, with every child, or every situation 36

More Tips…  When under stress, parents often resort to negative uses of tools  Tools used in families in which we were raised are powerful influences  Every positive tool used is a deposit in the emotional bank account – negative tools are withdrawals  Identify beliefs, hopes, and goals to accomplish with children and choose tools accordingly 37

38 Special Concerns  Spanking/corporal punishment  Abuse

Discussion & Applications Reflections on last week’s video clips Today’s information Implications for parents? For child care providers? Others? 39

View Video Clips Peaceful Parenting (11 min.) ngVideo.asp Positive Discipline Five Criteria (3 min.) TV Interview (8 min.) More…. 40

Video Clips Positive Discipline (5 min.) d&id=279&pos=0&rate=hi&player=rp Tantrums (5 min.) d&id=349&pos=0&rate=hi&player=rp Managing Disruptive Behavior (5 min.) d&id=299&pos=0&rate=hi&player=rp Using Praise and Encouragement Effectively (5 min.) d&id=507&pos=0&rate=hi&player=rp 41

Wrap-up Wrap-Up 42  Questions & comments  In-service evaluation  Next Session: Tues. December 1 Research & Resources

References 43  Landy, S. (2002). Pathways to competence: Encouraging healthy social and emotional development in young children. Baltimore, MD: Paul H. Brookes Publishing.  Nelson, J., & Erwin, C. (2002). Positive discipline for childcare providers. New York: Crown Publishing.  Smith, C. A. (2003). Responsive discipline.  University of Minnesota Extension Service (1997). Positive Parenting II: A video-based parent education curriculum.  Fact sheets, article abstracts, and other resource materials provided separately  Various textbooks and other reference materials