BULLYING Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself Janet A. Shadid, MSW/LSW 2012 Orthodox Christian Camp, Youth Worker & OCF Chaplain Conference Friday, January 27, 2012

Objectives What is bullying What is bullying Who is bullied and how to help them Who is bullied and how to help them Why people bully and ways to help them Why people bully and ways to help them Silence can be deadly Silence can be deadly Adult bullies Adult bullies Bullying Statistics Bullying Statistics Questions Questions

What Is Bullying? Bullying takes place any time a person or group uses physical force, insults or threats to ignore or hold power over another. Bullying takes place any time a person or group uses physical force, insults or threats to ignore or hold power over another. 500 years ago “bully” meant friend, family member or sweetheart. The root comes from the Dutch, meaning lover or brother. 500 years ago “bully” meant friend, family member or sweetheart. The root comes from the Dutch, meaning lover or brother.

Different Types of Bullying Physical Physical Verbal Verbal Relationship – Spread rumors, refuse to talk to someone, make someone do something he/she does not want to do Relationship – Spread rumors, refuse to talk to someone, make someone do something he/she does not want to do Cyber – Refers to embarrassment, threats, and harassment taking place through social media Cyber – Refers to embarrassment, threats, and harassment taking place through social media

People at Higher Risk of Being Bullied People with disabilities, special needs, health problems People with disabilities, special needs, health problems Obese Obese Gay, lesbian, or those questioning their sexual identities Gay, lesbian, or those questioning their sexual identities Those with poor social skills/immature Those with poor social skills/immature Those with lower IQ’s Those with lower IQ’s Those with low self-esteem Those with low self-esteem

People Who Bully Tend to … Like violence Like violence Be impulsive and have quick tempers Be impulsive and have quick tempers Show little empathy for victims Show little empathy for victims Be aggressive to adults Be aggressive to adults Be involved in rule breaking activities Be involved in rule breaking activities Like to dominate others in a negative way Like to dominate others in a negative way Gain satisfaction by inflicting injury and suffering Gain satisfaction by inflicting injury and suffering

People Who Bully Tend to … Receive “rewards” such as prestige, attention, possessions Receive “rewards” such as prestige, attention, possessions Steal, vandalize Steal, vandalize Use drugs and/or alcohol Use drugs and/or alcohol Be truant Be truant Carry a weapon Carry a weapon Do poorly academically Do poorly academically Be four times more likely to have three or more convictions by age 24 Be four times more likely to have three or more convictions by age 24

Bullies Want Power & Attention The easiest way to get attention is to do something negative The easiest way to get attention is to do something negative Human nature is to focus on the negative Human nature is to focus on the negative Need to train ourselves to focus on the positive Need to train ourselves to focus on the positive Need to be genuine/honest Need to be genuine/honest Need to be strong and not let others manipulate us Need to be strong and not let others manipulate us

Bullies Will Respect Those Who… Make them earn rights & privileges Make them earn rights & privileges Don’t play “let’s make a deal” Don’t play “let’s make a deal” Are fair, firm, consistent, calm and positive Are fair, firm, consistent, calm and positive Teach by example Teach by example Set clear boundaries Set clear boundaries

Ways To Teach… Be an example Be an example Give positive feedback Give positive feedback Give no feedback Give no feedback Give appropriate consequences Give appropriate consequences Talk less and listen more Talk less and listen more Make the person accountable Make the person accountable Be respectful Be respectful

Ways To Teach… Listen Listen Explain Explain Implement Implement Don’t try to be a friend Don’t try to be a friend Be a trusted and respectable adult Be a trusted and respectable adult Don’t laugh inappropriately “to be cool” Don’t laugh inappropriately “to be cool” Focus on their strengths Focus on their strengths Be positive Be positive

Ways to Help Those Being Bullied Make them feel safe so they will talk Make them feel safe so they will talk Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Validate, even when bullied by an adult Validate, even when bullied by an adult Dialogue Dialogue Ask what they want you to do Ask what they want you to do Empowerment Empowerment Ask open-ended questions Ask open-ended questions Offer honest suggestions, i.e., silly vs. funny Offer honest suggestions, i.e., silly vs. funny

Ways to Help Those Being Bullied Explore what they can do differently Explore what they can do differently Be proactive Be proactive Get others, such as peers, involved Get others, such as peers, involved NEVER tell them how to feel or that they are over reacting NEVER tell them how to feel or that they are over reacting

A Bullied Person Tends to … Perceive silence and inaction as deserving of treatment Perceive silence and inaction as deserving of treatment Blame/bully self Blame/bully self Believe what they are being told b/c they hear it enough Believe what they are being told b/c they hear it enough Isolate, which leads to depression, which can lead to suicide Isolate, which leads to depression, which can lead to suicide

A Bullied Person Tends to … Become a bully because he/she… Become a bully because he/she… Wants to be accepted Wants to be accepted Thinks kids are laughing WITH him/her, not AT him/her Thinks kids are laughing WITH him/her, not AT him/her Finds it easier to do the wrong thing rather than the right thing Finds it easier to do the wrong thing rather than the right thing Lies to him/herself and others Lies to him/herself and others

THE LADDER EXERCISE

Dealing with Adults Who Bully Teach through our actions Teach through our actions Tone of voice Tone of voice Little things turn into big things Little things turn into big things Positivity grows Positivity grows Negativity grows Negativity grows

Dealing with Adults Who Bully Be approachable Be approachable Watch body language/facial expressions Watch body language/facial expressions Respectfully and privately approach adult bullies Respectfully and privately approach adult bullies Diffuse the situation Diffuse the situation

Food for Thought WE CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON OR SITUATION BUT WE CAN CHANGE HOW WE REACT TO THE PERSON OR SITUATION WE CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON OR SITUATION BUT WE CAN CHANGE HOW WE REACT TO THE PERSON OR SITUATION

More Food for Thought Balance is the key Balance is the key We cannot save everyone, we can only try our best We cannot save everyone, we can only try our best We need to consider the whole situation We need to consider the whole situation Little steps turn into big steps Little steps turn into big steps We need to take care of ourselves We need to take care of ourselves St. Seraphim of Sarov: “Acquire the Spirit of Peace and you will save a thousand souls around you” St. Seraphim of Sarov: “Acquire the Spirit of Peace and you will save a thousand souls around you” ASK GOD FOR GUIDANCE ASK GOD FOR GUIDANCE

BULLYING STATISTICS 160,000 students miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation 160,000 students miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation 15% of all school absenteeism is directly related to fears of being bullied 15% of all school absenteeism is directly related to fears of being bullied 71% of students report incidents of bullying as a problem at their school 71% of students report incidents of bullying as a problem at their school 1 out of 20 students has seen a student with a gun at school 1 out of 20 students has seen a student with a gun at school

BULLYING STATISTICS 30% of students who reported they had been bullied had, at times, brought weapons to school 30% of students who reported they had been bullied had, at times, brought weapons to school 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month 90% of 4 th through 8 th graders report being victims of bullying 90% of 4 th through 8 th graders report being victims of bullying Revenge is the strongest motivation for school shootings Revenge is the strongest motivation for school shootings 100,000 students carry a gun to school 100,000 students carry a gun to school

BULLYING STATISTICS 2/3 of students who are targets become bullies 2/3 of students who are targets become bullies 20% of high school students have SERIOUSLY considered suicide 20% of high school students have SERIOUSLY considered suicide Every seven minutes a child is bullied Every seven minutes a child is bullied Adult intervention 4% Adult intervention 4% Peer intervention 11% Peer intervention 11% No intervention 85% No intervention 85%

BULLYING STATISTICS Bullying was a factor in 2/3 of the 37 school shootings reviewed by the U.S. Secret Service Bullying was a factor in 2/3 of the 37 school shootings reviewed by the U.S. Secret Service Kids become more tolerant of bullying as they grow older Kids become more tolerant of bullying as they grow older Many kids don’t believe there is a system in place to protect them Many kids don’t believe there is a system in place to protect them Much bullying takes place even when an adult is present Much bullying takes place even when an adult is present

BULLYING STATISTICS The older kids get, the less likely they are to talk to their parents and teachers about bullying The older kids get, the less likely they are to talk to their parents and teachers about bullying Bullying is happening at earlier ages, more frequently and incidents are more violent Bullying is happening at earlier ages, more frequently and incidents are more violent According to a bullying study in 2007, the top 5 worst states to live in are CA, NY, IL, PA, WA According to a bullying study in 2007, the top 5 worst states to live in are CA, NY, IL, PA, WA Over ½ of all bullying incidents go unreported; Cyber bullying is even less Over ½ of all bullying incidents go unreported; Cyber bullying is even less

BULLYING STATISTICS A bully is 5 times more likely to have a serious criminal record when he/she grows up A bully is 5 times more likely to have a serious criminal record when he/she grows up The average child has watched 8,000 televised murders and 100,000 acts of violence before finishing elementary school The average child has watched 8,000 televised murders and 100,000 acts of violence before finishing elementary school

QUESTIONSCOMMENTS