On Caregiving; Care for the Family Caregiver : A Place to Start ; and The Art of Condolences: Gratitude for Whatever Life Brings Us **November is National Care Givers month Rebecca Hegarty Michelle Murray October 15, 2014

The Art of Condolences and Caregiving Mastering the art of condolences requires us to befriend the things that cause us discomfort in our own life and in the life and death of others (Condolences, page 10).” “I believe that what doctors need to be helped to master is the art of acknowledging and affirming the patient as a suffering human being; imagining alternative contexts and practices for responding to calamity; and conversing with and supporting patients in desperate situations where the emphasis is in what really matters to the patient and his or her intimates (On Caregiving, page 29).”

Why the art of condolences and caregiving can be considered vital “We may want to avoid our painful feelings amid the swirling tide of emotions, but when we acknowledge and accept our own humanity through opening ourselves to the suffering of others, we realize how we are all interconnected (Condolences, page 9)”. “If the ancient Chinese perception is right that we are not born fully human, but only become so as we cultivate ourselves and our relations with others-and that we must do so in a threatening world where things often go terribly wrong and where what we are able to control is very limited-then caregiving is one of those relationships and practices of self cultivation that make us, even as we experience our limits and failures, more human. It completes (not absolutely, but as a kind of burnishing of what we really are-warts and all) our humanity. And if that Chinese perspective is also right (as I believe it is), when it claims that by building our humanity we humanize the world (On Caregiving, page 29).” Vital = necessary to the existence, continuance, or well-being of something; indispensable; essential :

We are all in this together No Man Is An Island, By John Donne (1634) No man is an island, Entire of itself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manor of thy friend's Or of thine own were: Any man's death diminishes me, Because I am involved in mankind, And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

What is condolence? “The notion of sharing another’s feelings or comforting them in times of loss is known as condolences (Condolences, page 9).” “The origin of the word dates back to 1580 from the Latin condolere, which means “to suffer together (Condolences, page 9).” "Most people think that offering condolences is something we offer only after a person has lost someone to death. But we may also offer condolences when we share in the suffering of someone who is gravely ill and will soon die (emphasis ours, Condolences, page 9).”

Condolence exercise 1: Condolence is the art of sharing suffering. It is now time “to befriend the things that cause us discomfort in our own life and in the life and death of others”. What “condolence” has helped at a time when you were suffering? Have you found that condolence is “one size fits all” because we all suffer? Or do we shape our condolences to fit specific settings and needs? Is condolence universal or personal or both? What would you counsel or recommend is a good rule of conduct when offering condolence?

What is caregiving? YearPopulation66 years of age onwards % Million37 Million 12% Million70 million 20% “In simple terms, a family caregiver is someone who is responsible for attending to the daily needs of another person (Care, page 12).” “Caregivers protect the vulnerable and dependent (On Caregiving, page 29).” With the aging population on the rise, caregiving and condolences will impact many of us for various reasons and in different ways. NIH 2013 elderly population study and Census bureau 2014

Who are caregivers?

Exercise 2: Caregiving and Care-receiving We have, most of us, at times in our lives been taken care of. Talk about your experience with receiving and giving care. As a care receiver: What worked for you, made you feel better? What didn’t help or made you feel worse? Do you have any special, specific memories of being cared for – whether negative or positive? Does anything from any of the three readings particularly resonate with your experience of receiving care?

Exercise 2: Caregiving and Care-receiving As a caregiver: What worked? What didn’t? Was it difficult? Rewarding? What were the joys? The sorrows? Does anything from any of the three readings particularly resonate with your experience of receiving care?

Caregiving: The challenges “Caregiving is not easy (Care, page 27).” “And because caregiving is so tiring, and emotionally draining, effective care giving requires that care givers themselves receive practical and emotional Support (Care, page 27).” “We grieve what we have lost and fear what we know lies ahead (On Caregiving, page 29).” Caregiving: The gifts “By this I mean that we envision caregiving as an existential quality of what it is to be a human (On Caregiving, page 27).” “And out of the billions of ordinary acts of care giving perhaps also comes much of that which, imperceptibly and relentlessly, sustains the world (On Caregiving, page 29).” “…caregiving is a defining moral practice. It is a practice of empathic imagination, responsibility, witnessing, and solidarity with those in great need, it is a moral practice that makes care givers, and at times even the care receivers, more present and thereby fully human (On Caregiving, page 29).”

Exercise 3: Care giving: The Ideal Future Think of a scenario in your life when you have been or might have to be a caregiver. As a caregiver, have you learned any special skills to utilize to ease the burden of what Kleinman called “enduring the unendurable”? What do you imagine would make your life easier if you should have to care for someone, if you are caring for someone? Will making it easier make it better? What is your plan? Who will help you? How will you take care of yourself as a caregiver?

Exercise 3: Care receiving: The Ideal Future Now as a care-receiver: What do you envisage as the ideal scenario for being taken care of in your dotage or illness or old-age? Who do you want to do it? Where would you ideally be? Are there any realistic steps you could take to insure that the reality of your care comes as close to ideal as possible? Who will help? How will specific individuals help?

What do we take away… About ourselves and caregiving? What do we want when cared for? How will we care for ourselves as caregivers? What is the plan for caregiving? Who will help? What will they do? Who will care for you as a care-receiver?

Homework Due date: your death What habit will you form, starting now, to take care of yourself so you can better take care of others?