Transforming Relationships West Dunbarton Dr Elizabeth Morris Self-Esteem

‘You are important and I care about you.’ The most important experience anyone can have.

What is the difference – if any – between self-esteem and self-confidence? Self image Believe in himself At ease Good with other people Content with themselves Confidence Assurance Able to take risks Able to stand up for herself Energetic

Self -confidence and Self-esteem – What are they? Both attitudes of mind. Can both be high or low; positive or negative. Interactive. High self confidence and high self esteem, low self confidence and low self esteem likely to go together. SELF CONFIDENCE: how we think and feel about what we are able to do - or not do. SELF ESTEEM: how we think and feel about who we are. Feeling valuable as a human being and liking ourselves.

Research on self-esteem by Stanley Coopersmith identified three critical elements to developing it in children. Children who displayed high self-esteem had: Carers who valued and loved them and expressed this Carers who provided firm, fair boundaries and stuck to these Carers who involved them democratically in making certain decisions. School of Emotional Literacy (carers who model positive self esteem)

3 components of Self Esteem A sense of self A sense of belonging A sense of personal power

Best Approach Whole home or whole school approach -Same messages/permissions -Same values -Consistency -Regularity -Self esteem building team -Empowering actions -Individual response

Strokes A stroke is a “unit of recognition”. Strokes may be: Verbal v nonverbal Positive v negative Conditional (doing) v unconditional (being) Direct v indirect More or less intense.

The Stroke Grid NEGATIVEPOSITIVE UNCONDITIONAL For Being Put-Downs  Expressed Love  CONDITIONAL For Doing Negative Feedback  Praise 

How People Treat Us and as a result How We Feel About Ourselves A person’s self esteem is determined by the ratio of positive to negative unconditional strokes (for being): Lots of expressed love and few put-downs leads to high self-esteem. Lots of put-downs and little expressed love leads to low self-esteem. A person’s self-confidence is determined by the ratio of positive to negative conditional strokes (for doing): Lots of praise and limited negative feedback leads to high self-confidence. Lots of negative feedback and limited praise leads to low self-confidence.

Strokes can be: Given Received Asked for Declined Filtered out Distorted.

Receiving Positive Strokes 1. Slow down 2. Eye contact 3. Keep breathing 4. Don’t discount 5. Don't shoot back 6. Repeat 7. Ask to be repeated 8. Thank.

How to boost your “stroke account” Positive self talk Avoiding/refusing unconditional negative strokes Avoiding/refusing undeserved conditional negative strokes Asking for positive strokes Letting positive strokes in.

Giving Negative Feedback 1. Avoid shaming - usually in private 2. Behaviour – doing, not being 3. Specific 4. Ask for change / reparation 5. Personalise 6. The sandwich 7. Avoid battles to be right.

Giving praise/appreciation 1.Work out what they want to hear 2.Public or private? 3.Behaviour/doing and/or person/being 4.Specific and general 5.Make & keep good contact 6.Take your time 7.Personalise 8.Thinking and feeling 9.Verbal and non-verbal 10.Repeat 11.Make sure they have taken it in.

Self Esteem Torpedoes Catastrophising - this is TERRIBLE Overgeneralising – EVERYTHING will be terrible Fortune telling – everything will ALWAYS be terrible Filtering - nothing good happened Jumping to conclusions – don’t bother me with the facts please Hanging on to a belief - Yes but… if only - If I fail I am bad Name calling – he’s stupid Personalising – she meant ME

School of Emotional Literacy 4/1 Primary One, Davie Street Edinburgh EH8 9EB Tel: Fax: