Maintaining Relationships Chapter 9 Staying Close Maintaining Relationships

Activate your Brain What does it mean to maintain a relationship? Which of these statements is true? Relationships stay together unless something tears them apart. Relationships require effort or else they fall apart. What is the most important aspect of maintaining a romantic relationship? What is the most important aspect of maintaining a friendship? Why do approximately 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce?

Defining Relational Maintenance Relational Maintenance: Four common definitions keeping a relationship in existence keeping a relationship in a specified state or condition keeping a relationship in satisfactory condition keeping a relationship in repair (prevent and repair problems) Basically, “keeping a relationship at a desired level” (e.g., professional, or casual friend, or romantic) Maintenance can be strategic or routine (pp. 212- 213)

Two Overarching Perspectives Centrifugal Perspective: Relationships require maintenance or else they deteriorate Centripetal Perspective: Established relationships are automatically maintained unless something tears them apart Box 9.3, p. 215

Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors Stafford & Canary (Married & Dating Couples) Positivity: Making interactions pleasant and enjoyable Openness: Self-disclosure, sharing secrets, and routine talk Assurances: Giving each other assurances about commitment Social Networking: Spending time with each other’s social network Task Sharing: Performing routine tasks and chores relationship together

Additional Maintenance Behaviors Supportiveness: Giving social support and encouragement Joint Activities: Engaging in activities and spending time together Romance and Affection: Revealing positive, caring feelings for each other Humor: Using inside jokes and other forms of humor Constructive Conflict Management: Promote problem-solving and harmony

Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors From Box 9.2 (p. 210) Avoidance No flirting Talking about others (esp. a partner) Jealousy induction Spying Infidelity Allowing control Destructive conflict

In sum-- Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors.. predict whether couples stay together or break up. are positively associated with relational satisfaction and commitment (especially positivity, assurances, & social networking). Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors Manipulative and controlling Why would a partner ever use these behaviors? They decrease satisfaction and even sometimes lead to termination When used as “maintenance” they are attempts to control the partner (prevent breaking up), make partner see you as more desirable, to avoid conflict, or keep relationship at “desired level” of intimacy or closeness.

Modality of Maintenance Behavior Modality = channel of communication Face-to-face or mediated Some maintenance behaviors can be done in both modalities but others cannot (e.g., task sharing such as working on a paper together vs. doing dishes) Facebook users tend to send messages of assurance and positivity Close friends and romantic partners need more than just Facebook to maintain intimacy.

Maintenance Behaviors in Online Relationships Wright (2004)—openness and positivity most frequently used Types of relationships (Rabby, 2007) Virtual relationships Pinocchio relationship Cyber emigrant relationships Real world relationships Virtual-only group least maintenance behavior unless highly committed How do we end a relationship in a social networking site?

Maintenance Behaviors in Romantic Relationships Openness, assurances, and positivity seem to be most common However, patterns change overtime: As become more committed, may provide more assurances, share more tasks, and integrate social networks Dating, more mediated communication Openness and positivity may peak before full commitment (marriage) Once married, maintenance may be curvilinear

Maintenance in Same-Sex Friendships Girls value communication—talking (35% of 10-17 year- old girls said giving up telephone most difficult). Boys value engaging in activity—doing (only 6.5% said giving up telephone would be most difficult) The “doing” versus “talking” distinction extends to adult friendships of men and women. However, differences in men’s & women’s friendships not that dramatic; more similarity than difference.

Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Sex Friendships Emotional Bond Challenge People are socialized to see members of the opposite sex as romantic partners Feelings of closeness can be confused with romance Sexual Challenge Sexual attraction One or both may desire a sexual relationship Public Presentation Challenge Having to “explain” the friendship Jealousy from romantic partners

Maintenance in Cross-Sex Friendships with Romantic Intent Strictly Platonic Less joint activity & flirtation, but more talk about outside relationships Mutual Romance Most maintenance behavior Desires Romance (Partner doesn’t want romance) High level of maintenance but least likely to talk about the relationship Rejects Romance (Partner wants romance)

Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Sex Friendship Platonic safeguarding the relationship most common not attracted network disapproval third party relationship risk aversion time out

Maintaining “Friends with Benefits” Relationship 48%-68% of college students have had at least one friends-with-benefits relationship. Advantages: sex with trusted other but no commitment Disadvantages: fear of romantic feelings (or hurt) Maintaining FWB relationships includes rules to regulate: emotional attachment no jealousy sexual activity communication secrecy permanence/sex temporary value of the friendship Women value friends, men value benefits

Maintenance in Long-Distance Relationships Between 25% to 40% of college students’ romantic relationships are long-distance (2001). Despite less face-to-face communication, many LDRs are satisfying (and partners report strong love), in part because: Idealization partners can control the communication partners often on their “best behavior” when together prepare for time together

The Dialectical Perspective Relationships are dynamic rather than static entities. In healthy relationships people adapt to one another’s changing needs by managing dialectical tensions.

Dialectical Tensions People experience dialectical tension when they want to fulfill seemingly contradictory needs Dialectical tensions have both internal and external manifestations Internal: interaction within the relational dyad External: how the couple interacts with people outside of the dyad

Baxter’s Typology of Dialectical Tensions Integration- Stability- Expression- Separation Change Privacy Internal Connection- Autonomy Predictability-Novelty Openness- Closedness External Inclusion- Seclusion Conventionality- Uniqueness Revelation- Concealment

Dialectic of Integration-Separation Connection-Autonomy: Individuals want to be close to their partners, but they also want personal freedom Inclusion-Seclusion: Couples want to spend time with their social network but they also want time alone

Dialectic of Stability-Change Predictability-Novelty: Individuals want routine and consistency in their relationships/partners, but also want spontaneity and novelty. Conventionality-Uniqueness: Couples want to adhere to social norms to fit in with others, but they also want to see themselves as special and unique.

Dialectic of Expression-Privacy Openness-Closedness: Individuals want to feel free to self-disclose but also to keep some secrets. Revelation-Concealment: Couples want to talk about their relationships with their social networks, but they also want to keep some aspects of their relationships private.

Managing Dialectical Tensions Selection: Deciding to value one side of the dialectic more than the other Separation: Favoring different sides of the dialectic at different times Cyclic Alternation: cycling back and forth between the two sides Topical Segmentation: emphasizing different sides of the dialectic based on topic or context

Managing Dialectical Tensions, cont. Neutralization: avoiding full engagement of either side of the dialectic Moderation: striving to reach a midpoint Disqualification: striving to be ambiguous so neither side of the dialectic is engaged Reframing: adjusting perceptions so that the dialectics are viewed as complementary rather than contradictory Probably the best strategy overall

Rawlins’ Dialectical Tensions in Friendships independent-dependent expressive-protection judgment-acceptance affection-instrumentality public-private ideal-real