Abusive Relationships Recognizing unhealthy relationships and sexual con games

Some numbers…….. At least 1 in 5 girls will experience an abusive relationship before they graduate from high school. Many professionals consider this a very conservative number……….At least 1 in 5 girls will experience an abusive relationship before they graduate from high school. Many professionals consider this a very conservative number………. 1 in 5 girls who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner (less than 1 in 4 report the abuse to anyone)1 in 5 girls who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner (less than 1 in 4 report the abuse to anyone) 40% of girls between the ages of 14 & 17 report knowing someone who has been beaten in a relationship40% of girls between the ages of 14 & 17 report knowing someone who has been beaten in a relationship 60% of girls and 40% of boys report having a personal experience with relational abuse, either as a target or an abuser60% of girls and 40% of boys report having a personal experience with relational abuse, either as a target or an abuser

WHO ARE THE VICTIMS AND ABUSERS? ANYONEANYONE MALE OR FEMALEMALE OR FEMALE PRE-TEEN TO ADULTPRE-TEEN TO ADULT COLLEGE GRADUATE OR HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT!COLLEGE GRADUATE OR HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT!

A Definition of Abuse The University of Michigan Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center in Ann Arbor defines dating violence as “the intentional use of abusive tactics and physical force to maintain power and control over an intimate partner.”The University of Michigan Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center in Ann Arbor defines dating violence as “the intentional use of abusive tactics and physical force to maintain power and control over an intimate partner.”

Take the quiz Does something about the relationship you are in scare you? These descriptions also apply to a relationship you see a friend, student, acquaintance or son/daughter involved in…..Does something about the relationship you are in scare you? These descriptions also apply to a relationship you see a friend, student, acquaintance or son/daughter involved in…..

DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: Look at you or act in ways that scare you?Look at you or act in ways that scare you? Act jealous or possessive?Act jealous or possessive? Put you down or criticize you?Put you down or criticize you? Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?

more questions Text, call or IM you excessively? Expect an immediate response?Text, call or IM you excessively? Expect an immediate response? Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do? Threaten to kill or hurt themselves if you leave them?Threaten to kill or hurt themselves if you leave them? Try to stop you from talking to friends and family?Try to stop you from talking to friends and family?

more questions Try to force (physically or emotionally) you to have sex before you’re ready?Try to force (physically or emotionally) you to have sex before you’re ready? Do they hit, slap, push or kick you? Keep you from leaving a car, hallway or room when you want to?Do they hit, slap, push or kick you? Keep you from leaving a car, hallway or room when you want to? If you answered even one question with a “yes” you may be in an abusive relationship.If you answered even one question with a “yes” you may be in an abusive relationship.

Why are teens so vulnerable to dating violence? Intense need for peer approvalIntense need for peer approval Gender role expectations : male domination and female passivity. Also, girls believe they need to be relationship to achieve social status.Gender role expectations : male domination and female passivity. Also, girls believe they need to be relationship to achieve social status. Lack of experience in dating and relationships – they may not understand what is and is not okLack of experience in dating and relationships – they may not understand what is and is not ok Little contact with adult resourcesLittle contact with adult resources Less access to societal resourcesLess access to societal resources

Emotional grooming – Step 1 – a false sense of trust Emotional groomers work very hard to create a false sense of trust by saying such things as “You’re all I think about” “You’re everything to me” “You are the only one who really understands me” “I will always be there for you – I will always protect you” “This is what real love is all about” “Just trust me………..”

Emotional grooming continued….. In grooming relationships, the trust issue is rushed. In healthy relationships, trust develops over time.In grooming relationships, the trust issue is rushed. In healthy relationships, trust develops over time. Emotional groomers make it a point to tell the victim that others cannot be trustedEmotional groomers make it a point to tell the victim that others cannot be trusted “We’ll never let anyone break us apart – other people can’t be trusted…nobody understands you like I do…”“We’ll never let anyone break us apart – other people can’t be trusted…nobody understands you like I do…” “Trust me, I would never hurt you.”“Trust me, I would never hurt you.”

Emotional grooming continued….. If the target resists an act or comment that doesn’t feel right, the groomer will say something like ‘don’t you trust me? “If you loved me you would understand…”If the target resists an act or comment that doesn’t feel right, the groomer will say something like ‘don’t you trust me? “If you loved me you would understand…” These statements, or statements like them, are repeated over and over and over. The next step is to engage the victim in some kind of sexual activity or some other illegal or secre t activity.These statements, or statements like them, are repeated over and over and over. The next step is to engage the victim in some kind of sexual activity or some other illegal or secre t activity.

Step 2 - Secrecy The emotional groomers persuade their targets to keep “their little secret”The emotional groomers persuade their targets to keep “their little secret” Such statements as “No one can know about what we do, I’ll get in trouble and I’ll have to move”Such statements as “No one can know about what we do, I’ll get in trouble and I’ll have to move” “We won’t be able to see each other again if you tell anyone”“We won’t be able to see each other again if you tell anyone” “Nobody understands how special our love is and how deeply we love each other. Why spoil it by trying to tell them how we feel?”“Nobody understands how special our love is and how deeply we love each other. Why spoil it by trying to tell them how we feel?”

Step 2 - Secrecy The language of the con game may include such things as: “It’s Ok, don’t worry” “Just this once. Trust me.” “It’s Ok, don’t worry” “Just this once. Trust me.” “You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you” “This is normal and natural, this is the way it’s supposed to be” “If you love me, prove it” “This is normal and natural, this is the way it’s supposed to be” “If you love me, prove it” By this time, the web of control has been woven.

REMEMBER - Love is RESPECT LOVE is not:LOVE is not: Calling your partner names or putting them downCalling your partner names or putting them down Hitting, slapping, pushing or restrainingHitting, slapping, pushing or restraining Making threats of any kindMaking threats of any kind Monitoring their or text messages or texting them excessivelyMonitoring their or text messages or texting them excessively Forcing or guilting them into doing thingsForcing or guilting them into doing things Trying to keep them away from familyTrying to keep them away from family

HELPING RESOURCES Voices of Hope crises line Voices of Hope crises line (formerly the Rape-Spouse Abuse Center) (formerly the Rape-Spouse Abuse Center) Nebraska Domestic Violence Sexual Assault Coalition Domestic Violence Sexual Assault Coalition National Center for the Victims of Crime Center for the Victims of Crime LPD Victim-witness unit – LPD Victim-witness unit – Girl’s and Boy’s Town National HotlineGirl’s and Boy’s Town National Hotline National Teen Dating Abuse –National Teen Dating Abuse –