Parents and Teens: Connections With Impact Let’s Talk About It! A resource for communities from the Wisconsin Department of Public Instruction and the Department of Health and Family Services Supported by CDC Cooperative Agreement # U87/CCU

Program Purpose Explore positive parent-teen relationships Discover what characteristics tend to have the greatest positive impact Understand ways to increase positive influence Celebrate all that is right in our relationships Plan for changes that make sense

Background This program was created as a result of youth listening sessions held throughout Wisconsin which explored the conversations that parents and other trusted adults were having with teens to help them avoid risky sexual behavior. Consistent messages heard from teens were: 1.The desire for open communication with their parents and to learn from the real lives of their parents. 2.The need to feel heard as they discussed their struggle to be the person they want to be in the midst of many pressures. 3.The desire for their family life to be a safe place to talk, to learn and test healthy limits, and to find unconditional acceptance.

Resource Overview Parents and teens were interviewed to explore characteristics of their relationships that added to the success of the teen. Commonalities emerged among the diverse families. A pattern of influence emerged that included: – information parents give to their children; –examples children see; –experiences that shape their understanding; –parental attitudes; –rules/consequences; and –the ways that parents maintained the connection with their teens even during some very tough times.

Use this Resource to: Inspire conversation among parents and other adults who care for teens. Engage teens in reflecting on the parent- child relationship. Guide families in purposefully creating their communication patterns.

To Influence Someone, We Must Impact Two Things Their knowledge about the choice Information we give Examples we set Experiences that relate Their will to make the choice Attitude about their ability and character Rules & Consequences Grace – staying connected

Information What messages were the parents trying to give their teens? (Play Info, Examples Clip- be prepared to pause for discussion)

Information: Making it Real (pause) What messages were the parents giving their teens? What about how someone tells you something allows you to listen?

Example How does what the teen sees their parent do compare to what they hear them say? What examples from the parents’ lives seemed to have great influence on the teens? (play)

Example: Making it Real ( Pause ) What areas of example are a challenge for some parents? What might parents reveal more of to their teens to allow their lives to be a stronger example? What example from your parents’ lives has had a great impact on who you have become?

Experience What earlier experiences in the teens’ lives had a connection to choices they faced in the teen years? What experiences did parents “create” for their teens? (Play Experience, Attitude Clip  be prepared to pause for discussion)

Experiences: Making it Real (pause) What experiences might a child have that would teach a negative lesson for the teen years? What experiences can a parent create to teach their children some important character traits?

Attitude How did the parents express a sense of belief in their teen’s abilities to make positive choices? (Play)

Attitude: Making it Real (pause) What have you seen or heard that makes expressing belief in a teen difficult? Who expressed belief in you as you grew into adulthood? What impact did that have on your decisions?

Rules & Consequences Rules can be stated or unstated and understood or not understood. What rules did these families have? Were they stated and understood by parent and teen? What were the consequences of breaking rules? Which consequences seemed to have the greatest impact? (Play Rules/Consequences, Grace Clip  be prepared to pause for discussion)

Rules & Consequences: Making it Real (pause) How are family rules arrived at in your house? Which rules are most important to the goals you have for your family? Are they stated and understood by all? What changes in your rules and consequences might be helpful?

Grace How do these parents establish and re- establish connections with their teens during situations where limits have been tested and/or independent choices made? (Play)

Grace: Making it Real (pause) What approach have you found to be helpful to express unconditional love when your teen has made a choice that opposes your beliefs? What are examples of actions or words that cause disconnect between a parent and teen? What works for you when you want to reconnect with your teen?

Parents, Teens and Sexuality Listen to the stories of teens and parents. Look for how the areas of influence have played out in their relationships around issues of sexuality.  Information  Example  Experience  Attitude  Rules & Consequences  Grace (Play Conversations about Sexuality clip  be prepared to pause for discussion)

Discussion What did you notice influenced these teens’ understandings and behaviors regarding sexuality? Some of the teens’ choices led the parents to re-examine their approach and discover ways to maintain influence. What were some of the positive responses to teen behavior?