The DNA of Relationships Welcome Sept. 12, 2011

Definition of a successful marriage: Ephesians 5:20-25 Mutual submission Metaphor: long road trip

Myths of Marriage Both people are in love 24/7. Loneliness is alleviated by marriage. The advent of children is pleasurable. Happy couples do not fight. Love is enough. Money will make us happy.

Myths of Marriage... continued Things “ get better ” as kids get older. Blaming helps... finding fault helps. Once communication is established, it will always exist. Marriage helps us know one another without talking about it.

Stages of Family Life Family Life CycleEmotional Process Second Order Changes in Stageof Transition: Key Family Status Required to Principles Proceed Developmentally 1. Between Families:Accepting parent a. Differentiation of self in The Unattached offspring separation relation of family of origin. Young Adult b. Development of intimate peer relationships. c. Establishment of self in work. 2. The Joining of Commitment to new a. Formation of marital system. Families Throughsystem b. Realignment of relationships Marriage: The with extended families Newly Married Couple and friends to include spouse.

Stages of Family Life Family Life Cycle Emotional Process Second Order Changes in Stage of Transition: Key Family Status Required to Principles Proceed Developmentally 3. The Family with Accepting new a. Adjusting marital system to make Young Children members into the space for children. system b. Taking on parenting roles. c. Realignment of relationships with extended family to include parenting and grand-parenting roles.

Stages of Family Life Family Life CycleEmotional Process Second Order Changes in Stageof Transition: Key Family Status Required to Principles Proceed Developmentally 4. The Family withIncreasing a. Shifting of parent-child relation- Adolescents flexibility of ships to permit adolescent to family boundaries move in and out of system. to include children ’ s b. Refocus on mid-life marital and career issues. c. Beginning shift toward concerns for older generation.

Stages of Family Life Family Life Cycle Emotional Process Second Order Changes in Stage of Transition: Key Family Status Required to Principles Proceed Developmentally 5. Launching Children Accepting a multitudea. Renegotiation of marital system as a and Moving On of exits from and dyad. entries into the b. Development of adult to adult relation- family system ships between grown children and their parents. c. Realignment of relationships to include in-laws and grandchildren. d. Dealing with disabilities and death of parents (grandparents).

Stages of Family Life Family Life Cycle Emotional Process Second Order Changes in Stage of Transition: Key Family Status Required to Principles Proceed Developmentally 6. The Family in Accepting the a. Maintaining own and/or couple Later Life shifting of functioning and interests in face of generational roles physiological decline: exploration of new familial and social role options. b. Support for a more central role for middle generation. c. Making room in the system for the wisdom and experience of the elderly; supporting the older generation without over functioning for them. d. Dealing with loss of spouse, siblings and other peers and preparation for own death. Life review and integration.

Details of the Six Stages First stage = differentiation of self is critical, how we leave home is so important. Second stage = parents welcoming a new person into their family, receiving their blessing. Third stage = family with young children. Marks a fundamental shift in family life. Fourth stage = often the most difficult, in terms of family stress (sandwich generation). Fifth stage = the marriage often falls apart, why? Sixth stage = family in later life, hopefully a very content time.

Myth # 4 Happy couples do not fight. Nuclear disaster hovers over the heads of couples who do not fight. Primary chapter in Dr. Smalley ’ s book = adopt a no losers policy.

Six Essential Key Phrases –I was wrong. –I ’ m sorry. –I need you. –Thank you. –I ’ m proud of you. –I love you.