Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's1 Ways to Structure Effective Sentences Use lists. Put new and important information at the end of the sentence. Choose an appropriate sentence length. Focus on the "real" subject. Focus on the "real" verb. Express parallel elements in parallel structures. Use modifiers effectively.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's2 Guidelines for Creating Effective Lists Set off each listed item with a number, a letter, or a symbol (usually a bullet). Break up long lists. Present the items in a parallel structure. Structure and punctuate the lead-in correctly. Punctuate the list correctly.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's3 Creating effective lists  Set off each item  Break up long lists:Tool kit: -hand saw- Saws -hack saw- hand saw -compass saw- hack saw -box wrench- compass saw -socket wrench-Wrenches - box wrench - socket wrench

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's4  Use parallel structure Here is the sequence we plan to follow: 1. construction of the preliminary proposal 2. do library research 3. interview with the vice president 4. first draft Here is the sequence we plan to follow: 1. write the preliminary proposal 2. do library research 3. interview the vice president 4. write the first draft

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's5  Use correct punctuation The new facility will offer three advantages: - lower leasing costs - easier commuting distance - a larger pool of potential workers The new facility will offer three advantages: - The leasing costs will be lower. - The commuting distance will be shorter. - The pool of potential workers will be larger.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's6 Put new and important info at the end of a sentence The joint could fail under special circumstances. Under special circumstances, the joint could fail.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's7 Choose Appropriate Sentence Length Avoid overly long and overly short sentences. Long sentences show relationships between ideas. Short sentences provide emphasis. Focus on the “real” subject. The use of this method would eliminate the problem. This method would eliminate the problem. There is no alternative for us except to withdraw the product. We have no alternative except to withdraw the product.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's8  Focus on the “real” verb. Each preparation of the solution is done twice. Each solution is prepared twice.  Avoid misplaced modifiers. A large number of undeposited checks were found in the file cabinets worth over $40,000.  Avoid dangling modifiers. When answering the question, his calculator fell to the floor.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's9  Avoid run-on sentences.  Run-on: two main clauses joined without proper punctuation. Wrong: I love technical communication it is a great class. Correct: I love technical communication because it is a great class. Wrong: Technical communication requires study, it can be difficult. Correct: Technical communication requires study; it can be difficult. Or: Technical communication requires study, and it can be difficult. Wrong: It is hot today, however the rain should bring cooler weather. Correct: It is hot today; however, the rain should bring cooler weather.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's10  Verb must agree with its subject. Wrong: Steve and Denise is in love. Correct: Steve and Denise are in love. Wrong: Bob or Jill are the candidate. Correct: Bob or Jill is the candidate. Wrong: Neither Steve nor Denise are in love. Correct: Neither Steve nor Denise is in love. Wrong: Each of my friends are students. Correct: Each of my friends is a student.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's11 Choosing the Right Words and Phrases Select an appropriate level of formality. Informal Moderately Formal Formal Think about: audience, subject, and purpose. Be clear and specific. Be concise. Use inoffensive language.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's12 Two Reasons to Avoid an Informal Writing Style at the Office Informal writing tends to be imprecise. Informal writing can be embarrassing.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's13 Seven Guidelines to Make Your Writing Clear and Specific Use the active voice and the passive voice appropriately. Be specific. Avoid unnecessary jargon. Use positive constructions. Avoid long noun strings. Avoid clichés. Avoid euphemisms.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's14 The Passive Voice is Acceptable in These Four Cases: When the agent is clear from the context. When the agent is unknown. When the agent is less important than the action. When a reference to the agent is embarrassing, dangerous, or in some other way inappropriate. Active: Bob drove the van. Passive: The van was driven by Bob.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's15  That all this discussion is not merely academic semantics but rather hard facts of international politics can be testified to by those who have been involved in drafting this phrasing. (Nordenstreng, Journal of Communication, spring 1979.)

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's16 Techniques for Being Specific Use precise words. Ford Taurus automobile Provide adequate detail. An engine on the plane experienced some difficulties. The left engine on the Martin 411 lost power during flight. Avoid ambiguity. Ambiguous: After stirring by hand for 10 seconds, add three drops of the iodine mixture to the solution. Better: Stir the iodine mixture by hand for 10 seconds. Then add three drops to the solution. Or: Stir the solution by hand for 10 seconds. Then add three drops of the iodine mixture.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's17  Avoid clichés. Afraid that we were between a rock and a hard place, we decided to throw caution to the winds with a grandstand play that would catch our competition with its pants down. Afraid that we were in a difficult position, we decided on a risky, aggressive move that would surprise our competition.  Avoid euphemisms. personnel surplus reductiondehiring workforce imbalance correctiondecruiting corporate downsizingindefinite idling

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's18 Four Reasons to Avoid Unnecessary Jargon It can be imprecise. It can be confusing. It is often seen as condescending. It is often intimidating.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's19 Use Positive Constructions  If this analysis is correct, copyright and patent protection of knowledge may no longer be unnecessary. (Cyberspace and the American Dream, Release 1.2 August 22, 1994.)

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's20 Five Ways to Be Concise Avoid obvious statements. The market for the sale of flash memory chips is dominated by two chip manufacturers: Intel and Advanced Micro Systems. These two chip manufacturers are responsible for 76 percent of the $1.3 billion market in flash memory chips last year. The market for flash memory chips is dominated by Intel and Advanced Micro Systems, two companies that claimed 76 percent of the $1.3 billion industry last year.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's21 Avoid filler. I think that, basically, the board felt sort of betrayed, in a sense, by the kind of behavior the president displayed. The board felt betrayed by the president’s behavior. Avoid redundancy. collaborate togethereach and every past historystill remain end resultcompletely eliminate any and allvery unique at this point in time

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's22 Avoid unnecessary prepositional phrases. Avoid wordy phrases. I am of the opinion that, in regard to profit achievement, the statistics pertaining to this month will appear to indicate an upward tendency. I think this month’s statistics will show an increase in profits. Avoid pompous words and phrases. expeditein view of the fact that proficiencyon a daily basis employprior to utilizea majority of attemptin the event that endeavorat an early date

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's23 Avoiding Sexist Language Replace the male-gender words with non-gender- specific words. Chair or chairperson vs. chairman Switch to a different form of the verb. The operator must pass a test before he is promoted. The operator must pass a test before being promoted. Switch to the plural. Operators must pass tests before they are promoted. Switch to he or she, he/she, s/he, or his or her. Address the reader directly.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's24 Five Guidelines for Writing about People with Disabilities Refer to the person first, the disability second. “People with mental retardation,” not “the mentally retarded” Don't confuse handicap with disability. A person can have a disability without being handicapped. Don't refer to victimization. “a person with AIDS,” not “AIDS victim” Don't refer to a person as "wheelchair bound" or "confined to a wheelchair." Don't refer to people with disabilities as abnormal.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's25 Writing Numbers  When beginning a sentence with a number, spell it out. Seven people were invited to the party.  Spell out one through nine, except currency. The test is six pages long.  Use numerals from 10 onward: My car gets 32 miles to the gallon.  Decades: 1960s, not 1960’s.  Currency: $43, not $43 dollars.  After the thousands (1,340): 110 thousand, four million, etc.

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's26 Confusing words  Affect, Effect  Ensure, Insure, Assure  Discrete, Discreet  It’s, Its  To, Too  Than, Then  site, sight, cite

Chapter 11. Drafting and Revising Effective Sentences © 2004 by Bedford/St. Martin's27 Techniques to Make It Easy to Translate Your Writing into Other Languages Use short sentences. Use the active voice. Use simple words. Include a glossary. Use words that have only one meaning. Use pronouns carefully. Avoid jokes, puns, and culture-bound references.