Difficult Conversations How to Discuss What Matters Most Original PowerPoint developed by Gael Donaghy, Leadership and Management Adviser, University of Waikato 2005. Compiled by Tessa Gray, CORE Education 2006

“We can’t choose who we work with but we can choose how we work with them” Tess and Daph 2007

“How we use our voice determines the quality of our relationships, who we are in the world, and how the world can be and might become. Clearly a lot is at stake here.” From The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner

Conflict: the Other Face of Community Conflict is the necessary other face of community. Its energy will be found in any genuine professional community of professionals. There is usually always a tension between self-assertion and integration, between seeing ourselves as a separate identity and inter-connected to something larger. When we use the energy of this conflict productively however, it enhances the growth and learning development of the community. (Garmston & Wellman p 186, 1999 ) Sourced from PLOT http://www.plotpd.com.au 8/2006

The Purpose of the Task: To discuss ways to address conflict The Scenario: Move to an area with one other facilitator Read the Task: to discuss a difficult moment in facilitating adult learning and leading whole school change. 15 mins Sharing Time: 10mins

The “What happened?” bit Be clear about your own reality Hold this as a hypothesis Disentangle intent from impact We each have our own perspective of reality, we think we are right and so do they.

Your Emotional Response What kind of emotions did I feel? Why? What was the impact of this on me? Identity Issues The biggies are Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love and respect?

Activity 3: Purpose Think through what your purpose is in addressing this issue See if you can frame it in terms of student learning

A difficult conversation is anything you find hard to talk about The dilemma: Avoid or confront, it seems there is no good path.

Forced Choice? Force the issue and sacrifice the relationship (non-learning conversation) 1 Progress and integrate the task & relationship (learning conversation) 4 Leave things alone (non-learning conversation) 2 Sacrifice the task (non-learning conversation) 3 High task importance Low task importance Low relationship value High relationship value Adapted from David Eddy

Decision Time Whether to have the conversation or not depends on many things. Way up the following…

Costs Benefits 2. Kids suffer, I’m not doing my job well if I don’t 1. I don’t have to face up to this person/maybe damage control 3. I might mess up and things will get worse 4. It’s not a one shot thing I can open the subject up for dialogue. I’ll feel better Not having the difficult conversation Having the difficult conversation

What Makes Learning Conversations Tough? Making progress with the issue/problem Maintaining or enhancing a relationship The following four slides are from a keynote address by Viviane Robinson, Sec Principals Conference 2004

Progressing the Problem/Issue: State your issue or concern Treat your views as fallible, not as taken for granted truth Explain how you arrived at your views Ask others to do the same

Maintaining the Relationship Move towards rather than away from scary situations Replace criticism with affirmation of the person Check that you understand each other’s points of view

Integrating Concern for the Task and Relationship: The learning conversation State your concern or issue Invite dialogue State how you reached your views Listen to the views of the others Paraphrase your point of view and check Establish common ground–what do you both want? Make a plan to get where you both want to be Follow-up!

Fertile Questions to Promote Quality Dialogue Analytical Talk Contemplative Critical Talk Decision Challenging Talk Action Examine evidence, clear purpose, protocols established, practice not person, culture of school, prior relationships, safe environment, need for expert support. What does the data and evidence show? Evaluating teacher practice (told or observe- evidence of) that effects learning, needs to be positive, direct comment on practice not person. Challenge colleague’s practice and discuss, and co-constructive, take it from pre-contemplative to contemplative, decision making, followed by action So what will we need to do next?

Focus on the Issue and not the Person to Align Norms Based Practices Principles Beliefs and Values