Emotional Intelligence & Emotion Coaching Acknowledgements: ‘Tuning in to Kids’ – Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley ‘Bringing Up Great Kids’ – Australian Childhood Foundation Dr John Gottman - ‘Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child’ Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson - ‘The Whole-Brain Child’ Presented by Maria Hutchings (NECAMHS)

What is Emotional Intelligence? The ability to: identify and understand your own emotions successfully use emotions during social interactions use your emotional awareness to guide you when solving problems deal with frustration and be able to wait to get what you want keep distress from overwhelming your ability to think be in control of how and when you express feelings Emotions are a fundamental part of being human and are central for our communication and connection. Emotional intelligence is about understanding your own emotions and being able to communicate with other about how you feel. It’s also about understanding other people’s emotions and using this knowledge during social interactions, in particular when one or both people are emotional. Another important part of emotional intelligence relates to the ability to regulate emotions, including controlling, expressing and modulating emotion. And if we think about children this regulation of emotion becomes a critical goal – all children are going to experience a range of emotions and we want them to not be overwhelmed to the point of not functioning.

Emotional Intelligence

Why is emotional intelligence important? It allows you to have awareness and control over what you do Results in lower levels of stress, which is associated with better health & stronger immune systems Enables more satisfying friendships and lasting intimate relationships You can soothe yourself, and are therefore able to calmly focus, concentrate and think when faced with a challenging situation Makes you more resilient – change and stress are easier to deal with It’s been shown that these skills are associated with better life outcomes.

How emotional intelligence develops Influenced by environment and socialisation including parents, sibling relationships, teacher influences, peer relationships and others such as grandparents, carers and childcare workers. Some children born with more difficult reactive emotional styles. These children may need more input from parents/carers to teach them to regulate and manage emotional styles People’s connections with emotions are learned during their early years, building on their own innate style. The direct and indirect messages that children get from parents and caregivers will have a significant impact on their emotional development.

Brain Basics - horizontal Left side Logical thinking Organising thoughts into sentences Right side Experience emotions Reading non-verbal cues Understanding a few basics about the brain helps us better understand children, respond more effectively to difficult situations and build a foundation for social, emotional and mental health.

Left and Right Brain Chapter 2. The message centre Bringing Up Great Kids 7

Lateral Brain Development This diagram is showing the steps in lateral brain development. So when we think about babies, obviously they are very right brained and emotion focussed and it’s not until around 2 yrs that the left side of the brain comes on line. Chapter 2. The message centre Bringing Up Great Kids 8

Bottom-up Brain Development Now consider the vertical structure of the brain. Starting at the base of the brain is the brain stem which performs the basic survival functions and is the first part of the brain to develop. Then the cerebellum and the limbic system and finally the cortex which is the part of the brain that’s all about being reasonable, learning from past experiences and planning. As the diagram shows this part doesn’t really even come on line until children are 3 yrs old. Chapter 2. The message centre Bringing Up Great Kids 9

Brain basics – vertical ‘reptile brain’ – ‘downstairs brain’ Acts instinctually Makes split second survival decisions Brain stem and limbic region Amygdala – allows us to act before we think ‘mammal brain’ – ‘upstairs brain’ Leads us toward connection and relationships Allows us to think before we act Dan Siegel has a lovely way of referring to the upstairs and downstairs brain. The reptile brain is the ‘downstairs brain’ – brain stem and limbic region located in lower parts of the brain. More primitive parts because responsible for basic functions like breathing and blinking and impulses like fight and flight and for strong emotions like anger and fear. This is where the Amygdala is found and can this little almond shaped structure can hijack upstairs brain. Mammal brain is ‘upstairs brain’ –cerebral cortex and prefrontal cortex where more intricate mental processes take place, like thinking, imagining and planning and importantly allows us to think before we act.

Dan Seigel – hand model of brain https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk

Integration Different parts working together in a coordinated, balanced way Horizontal integration Left brain logic with right brain emotion Vertical integration Higher thoughtful parts with lower gut reaction and survival parts

Brain plasticity Brain physically changes throughout our lives Experiences change the physical structure of the brain 100 billion nerve cells with ten thousand connections

Emotional management styles Dismissive Disapproving Laissez-Faire Emotion coaching * John Gottman DVD – parenting styles.

Five Key Steps to Emotion Coaching Become aware of the child’s emotion and especially notice lower intensity emotions such as sadness, disappointment or frustration. View these emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching and try not to be impatient with expression of negative emotions Communicate your understanding and acceptance of these emotions Help child use words to describe what they feel. Help set limits or help problem solve. You may also communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable but some behaviours are not.

Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 1. Emotion coaching is about responding to children when their feelings are still at a low level of intensity, which reduces the need for children to escalate their emotions and behaviour and provides a more optimal time to teach children about emotions. 2. If children are emotion coached from an early age they become well-practiced at self-soothing. They are more likely to stay calm, even when they are experiencing strong emotions.

Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 3. Emotion coaching does not involve disapproval of children’s emotions so there are fewer points of conflict. At the same time, there are clear limits about inappropriate behaviour – children know the rules and the consequences for breaking them. 4. Emotion coaching creates a strong bond between parents/carers/teachers and children, so children are more responsive to their requests and feel respected and valued.

Emotion tuning – part of emotion coaching Notice the emotion Clarify with a question Reflect the emotion Locate the emotion in the body Empathise Explore Eg Were you scared when you couldn’t find me? When Anita ignored you how did you feel? I wonder if you were frustrated when I asked you to share?

Discuss Thinking about your own parents or reflecting on conversations with friends … What are some of the ways people can be dismissive of emotions? Eg Telling you not to worry.

Ways of dismissing emotions Offer advice Ask why a child did or said what they did Tell a child not to worry Talk only about yourself Jump straight into problem solving Take the side of the other person instead of listening to the child’s perspective Offer distractions

Emotion coaching communication When you emotion coach you attend to the emotions the child experiences. This involves: Thinking about how the child is probably feeling Possibly considering a comparable situation for yourself Helping the child put a verbal label on the feeling.

Emotion detective activity

Emotion coaching communication You may respond by asking: Did that make you feel _____ when ______? Were you feeling ______ when _______? It sounds like that made you feel _________? You may also respond by reflecting how you would feel in a similar situation That would make me feel ______ too. It makes me feel ______ when ______ happens also.

Reflecting Feelings Statements It looks like you’re very happy. You seem a bit sad. I can see you are very frustrated. Are you feeling annoyed? It sounds like you were really scared. How did you feel when your toy was taken? I wonder if you’re a bit annoyed? I bet that made you pretty grumpy.

Emotion Coaching Empathic Name the Validate the Statements = Feeling + Feeling

Emotion Coaching Can pair comments about negative feelings with positive coping statements Eg. “I can see you’re getting really frustrated when the tower keeps falling over but you keep on trying and hopefully it will stay up eventually.”

Avoid asking “Why?” Avoid asking a child why they are feeling a certain way because they will often have no idea or not have the words to describe the reason.

Tantrums Upstairs tantrum Child decides to throw a fit Could stop if they wanted to Able to control emotions and make decisions May look out of control Needs firm boundaries and clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour Downstairs tantrum No longer able to use upstairs brain because so upset ‘flipped their lid’ – amygdala has hijacked higher parts of brain Needs nurturing, comforting and soothing No sense talking consequences or appropriate behaviour Going back to the concept of upstairs/downstairs brain Dan Siegel talks about the differences between an upstairs tantrum and a downstairs tantrum. What’s critical here as is the case in many situations where children are fully in their downstairs brain and have ‘flipped their lids’ what needs to happen first is the nurturing, comforting and soothing because until that happens the thinking and reasoning ‘upstairs brain’ is totally offline. There does need to be some discussion and repair around what has happened but there is no point is attempting this until the upstairs brain is back and functioning.

Emotion coaching scenarios You observe Braydon deliberately drawing on Jordan’s picture. Jordan gets angry and hits Braydon. Harry comes in from playing outside crying and saying that he’s lost his jumper Sally suddenly scribbles all over her drawing and says ‘ I can’t draw I’m so stupid’.

Emotional Intelligence

Brain Structures

Resources Tuning in to Kids – emotionally intelligent parenting program by Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley (University of Melbourne, 2010) Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman with Joan Declaire (Fireside Press 1997) The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (Delacorte Press 2011) Bringing Up Great Kids Parenting Program – Australian Childhood Foundation (2011)