Exploring Wisdom from King Solomon on sexual communication & intimacy Jonathan Impellizzeri PhD, LPC, NCC jximpell@geneva.edu Sexual Flourishing in Marriage: Exploring Wisdom from King Solomon on sexual communication & intimacy

What is our culture’s script about sexuality What is our culture’s script about sexuality? What does the Bible have to say about healthy sexuality & how does it connect to the larger drama of redemptive history?

The Song of Solomon Part of the OT Wisdom literature Not intended as a sex manual per se but as love poetry Some debate among OT Scholars over authorship and intended interpretive framework The text encourages & validates their lovemaking: “Eat, friends; Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” (SOS 5:1).

The Song of Solomon: Chapter 7:1-6 7 How beautiful are your feet in sandals,     O noble daughter! Your rounded thighs are like jewels,     the work of a master hand. 2 Your navel is a rounded bowl     that never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat,     encircled with lilies. 3 Your two breasts are like two fawns,     twins of a gazelle. 4 Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are pools in Heshbon,     by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon,     which looks toward Damascus. 5 Your head crowns you like Carmel,     and your flowing locks are like purple;     a king is held captive in the tresses. 6 How beautiful and pleasant you are,     O loved one, with all your delights!

The Song of Solomon: Chapter 7:7-13 7  Your stature is like a palm tree,     and your breasts are like its clusters. 8 I say I will climb the palm tree     and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,     and the scent of your breath like apples, 9 and your mouth like the best wine. She It goes down smoothly for my beloved,     gliding over lips and teeth. 10 I am my beloved's,     and his desire is for me. The Bride Gives Her Love 11 Come, my beloved,     let us go out into the fields     and lodge in the villages; 12 let us go out early to the vineyards     and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened     and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love. 13 The mandrakes give forth fragrance,     and beside our doors are all choice fruits, new as well as old,     which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.

Takeaways He notices her personhood He TALKS!!! & Affirms her character He talks to her about his longing for her She is responsive & playful She is assertive She is creative Great sex is far more about the character traits of each partner & the quality of the relationship rather than mastery of sexual techniques!

WHAT DOES THIS ALL HAVE TO DO WITH GOD’S STORY OF REDEMPTION? It tells us something about: Who God is as a Trinity Who we are as image bearers The nature of Christ’s relationship with His church

Sexual Communication “Research has consistently found that sexual communication is important to sexual satisfaction and sexual well being. That is, individuals who self disclose more about their sexual likes and dislikes to their partner report having greater sexual wellbeing.” Byers, E. S. (2011). Beyond the Birds and the Bees and Was It Good for You?: Thirty Years of Research on Sexual Communication. Canadian Psychology, 52(1), 20-28. doi: 10.1037/a0022048

Barriers to an Open Dialogue Complexity of gender, bodies, & desire Family/cultural confusion & myths Unresolved sexual hurts & wounds Inadequate language (Rosenau & Sytsma, 2014)

Debunking Common Myths Making love comes natural when you love someone Good sex must be spontaneous I shouldn’t have to ask, we both should “want it” What feels good to me will feel good to my partner Sex is serious business Sex is neat Routine sex will loose it’s enjoyment

Discussing Initiation Who initiates? How often? How they initiate? What is initiated? When the answer is “no”

Great Starter Exercise Pick a book on Christian marital sexuality to read out loud to each other. Highly recommend When Two Become One by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey. Easy to read and accurate information. Pick a time where you won’t be interrupted. Settle down on your bed and take turns reading the book out loud. Pause often to discuss what you are reading. Do you agree with the author? Does what the author describes fit you, your spouse, or your marriage? Use the book’s language and subject as a spring board to start your own discussion.  (Rosenau & Sytsma, 2014)

Excellent Resources on Sexual Intimacy Hart, A., Hart-Webber, C., & Thomas, D. T. (2004). The secrets of eve. Thomas Nelson Publishers. A study of 2000 Christian women talking about their sex lives.. It’s a good reference for husbands to understand their wives. McCluskey, C., & McCluskey, R. (2004). When two become one: Achieving sexual intimacy in marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell. An easy to read book that focuses on the spirit of the act. Penner, C., & Penner J. (2003). The gift of sex: A guide to sexual fulfillment. Nashville, TN: W. Publishers. Another great manual by two of the leading writers and sex therapists. Filled with wisdom and practical guidance. Penner, C., & Penner J. (2007). The way to love your wife: creating greater love and passion in the bedroom. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers. A great book on the subject of sexuality from a Christian perspective. While targeted toward men, this is a great choice for a couple to read together. Rosenau, D. (2002). Celebration of sex. Nashville: Nelson. A great manual for Christian couples. The first few chapters focus on the heart of sex and being a great lover. The rest of the book addresses typical problem areas. Read through the first section and then pick and choose what you think applies to your marriage.