Child Training: Biblical Control

God’s Goal: independent godliness Hb 12:9-11 Objectives: wisdom, responsibility, self-control Method: train the will of the child Need the heart of a child to listen (God’s design) Instructing, giving chances to apply, confirming good behavior, responsibility Parental discipline needed until godly self- discipline rules the child Not “because I said so” but “God says so”

The Need for Biblical Control Control implies authority to a standard Ef. 6:1 Child’s obedience implies authority of parents Can’t respect, love, honor while disobeying We think: fix internal problem, then the actions will follow However, we should do right even if the heart is right. Then we will feel better after we do it. Hard part is willingness to do what is right when difficult

The Need for Biblical Control Training is external till it becomes internal Unnatural becomes natural Eph. 2:1-3; 4:17-31 Not enough to remove negative things Satan will fill the vacuum Mt 12:43-45 Hard work is replacing them with good things Need for external control to develop the pattern 1 Sam. 2:12-17,22-25,29-30; 3:13-14 What about training without authority? Suggestions instead of commands Commands ending in, “okay?”

The Need for Biblical Control Convinced only after debate & negotiation It is not obedience Submission is to logic and not to authority Testing without control reinforces self-will & self-indulgence Remember that training involves the child’s heart If we betray that by dictatorial or manipulated parental control, it won’t work Ef. 6:4; Col 3:21 Negligence, no boundaries has same effect!

Symptoms of a Child-Controlled Home “My kids just won’t eat that” “We can’t go there, the kids will be bored” “We can’t stay long, the kids can’t sit still that long” “The kids refuse to sit in their car seats” “The kids won’t put up with…” “We can’t get the kids to…” Everything revolves around the child, how the child feels, what the child wants or doesn’t want

Why Parents Abdicate Their Authority Worldly philosophy Col. 2:8; 1 Pt. 5:5 Democratic parenting (better have only 1 child) Falsely assumes child is equally wise as parents Or they’re just as clueless about as he is Misguided goals To be happy (short-term) vs. respectful Ef. 6:1 No discipline or guidance results in unhappiness Indulged child is ungrateful, impatient, unhappy Happiness is result of doing right John 13:17

Why Parents Abdicate Their Authority Lack of Confidence Unsure of what to do Usually reactive only when child affects parent Afraid of looking like a bad parent, or disturbed All negative attention better than no attention Most training should be positive How to teach behavior in public, or church? Positive or negative? Never a convenient season to train children

Why Parents Abdicate Their Authority Emotional Insecurity Parent craves the child’s affection, approval Results are the opposite effect—no respect, despised Signs of intimated parents “Please don’t hate me” Asks for child’s agreement on instructions “…okay?” Uses logical arguments over parental authority Fears rejection of child after discipline Allows child to express criticism Bribes child

What God Expects of Parents & Children The child must obey. Period. Authority must be taken back – not back and forth – make it permanently Do not allow the child to argue Do not misuse authority (i.e. bully them) Do not try to be a “friend” in a way that lacks authority Aim for child’s respect, not affection The child performs instruction the first time The child responds to calm instruction, not only when screaming The child acts immediately upon instruction