Steps to Revising 1.Content/Audience 2.Organization 3.Sentence Structure and Word Choice 4.Grammar and Voice

1. Content/ Audience Title “Eating Eyeballs”—a little informal but catchy Uses a light example to demonstrate a larger personal trait—willingness to try something new Highlights travel Demonstrates personality

2. Organization Too long Cut a little in each paragraph

3. Sentence Structure/ Word Choice I first became aware of food when I was about six years old. /Yes, I already knew that you put food in your mouth, chewed and swallowed, and that it tasted either good or bad. /But I wasn't really aware of food until I noted that while my friends had dinner like macaroni and cheese, my parents were making chicken cacciatore. /I was crushed; I wanted to be normal./ So I retaliated by refusing to taste the wonderful meals my parents would make./ I would only agree to try the dishes if my parents would let me eat peanut butter afterwards. /My fall back plan was a little odd, as I didn't like peanut butter, so I would usually eat the dinner my parents had prepared after acting dismayed at the foreign sounding name of the dish. Key: first words- green; verbs- blue; slash between sentences

What can we tell about the first paragraph… 1.Lora does not repeat any sentence start: that’s good; however, transitions such as “But” sentence 3 and “So” sentence 5 are not the best but do help make the tone light. 2.3 long sentences followed by a short one: “I was crushed; I wanted to be normal” adds emphasis to the short one.

What can we tell about the first paragraph cont… 3.Lots of was verbs- tend to be passive and wordy. Instead of “I first became aware of food when I was about six”: “I first became aware of food at age six”

Now you try with paragraph 2…. Draw slashes between sentences Circle verbs Underline first words What would you change?

Your Turn Choose one paragraph in your college essay to look at the way we looked at Lora’s: Draw slashes between sentences Circle verbs Underline first words What would you change?

4. Grammar and Voice Read aloud to check for voice. It should all SOUND like the same writer. Read backward sentence by sentence to check grammar. Because they smelled like a particular savory pasta sauce my parents would make, I decided they must be mushrooms, and that even though I didn’t like mushrooms, at least they weren’t eyeballs.

4. Grammar and Voice Sophisticated grammar –Proper use of colon [I forged my way through three of those little fish: eyes, tongue, bones, imagines brains, and all.] in a list –Proper use of parentheses [the four books that my mother had allowed me to take 9I had wanted more).] to insert aside –Proper use of dash [Patrice explained the best way to eat these sardines was to eat the whole thing— bones, skin, eyes, and all.] to emphasize a comment/phrase that could use commas –Use of a list and bold for emphasis

Lora's Application Results CollegeAdmission - Decision Bard College - Accepted w/merit scholarship Brandeis University - Accepted Gettysburg College - Accepted w/merit scholarship Hamilton College - Waitlisted Haverford College - Waitlisted Kenyon College - Waitlisted

Top 5 College Essay Pointers from the POINT: 1. Show, Don’t Tell: Tips on showing: Give examples of the telling statement Use sensory details: sight, sound, smell, etc... Write a simile or analogy

2. Keep to the Main Point: Ways to revise focus: Don’t tell every detail of the story, keep focus on how the even changed you Keep focus on paragraph’s topic sentences

3. Avoid Padded Sentences: Ways to correct a padded sentence: Use active verbs (not am, is, are, was, were) Avoid phrases starting with “this” and “that” Avoid redundancies like “next” and “upcoming”

4. Avoid the Weak Passive: Ways to make verbs active: Circle all verbs in your essay; be sure to use a variety Put the subject first then the verb Keep verbs present, not progressive

5. Avoid Shifts in Person or in Tense Keep verbs all preset or all past Match pronouns: one or “a person”= he/she and him/her you=you (avoid this one) I= we or me Make lists parallel

Homework Don’t turn in this draft….Take it home, review it, use the rubric and the goals list, and write 1 specific skill you plan to work on and 1 question for me to answer. Turn that in on Tuesday.