A Snapshot of the Hot Topic Presented on: How to Manage Difficult and Toxic Working Relationships Facilitated by Jill Nemiro, Ph.D. Associate Professor of Psychology Sponsored by ADVANCE

How Does it Make You Feel? Recall the most difficult or toxic situation or person you encounter at work. Think of one word that describes how you feel (physically, emotionally, or mentally) when you think about this situation or person. Let’s share our words! Today we will learn about a 4-step process that can help you manage these difficult and toxic situations and people.

Sample Difficult Situation/Person Consider this situation - You are at a faculty meeting discussing new ways to redesign curriculum in your department. You begin to present an idea that you truly believe is a good one! A senior colleague quickly interrupts you and openly discounts your idea before you finish. Further, while you were talking, you saw that same colleague “rolls his/her eyes” in disapproval and exchange glances with another colleague in the room. Suddenly, you feel yourself get hot inside. Your face gets red, and your heart begins to race. You stop taking and sit silently for the rest of the meeting, not participating but seething with anger inside. You are hooked!

It’s Normal but … Your reaction is normal. However, your anger doesn’t help the situation. And your lack of further participation in the meeting may indicate you lack enthusiasm for the very idea you believe in. There is a way out! You can move forward to unhook from this situation!

Change your Reaction, Change Your Work Life The workplace is a volatile environment with people who are bound to “rub you the wrong way!” You can develop the ability to identify and handle work relationships that are holding you back. In essence, by changing your own reactions, you can change your life at work. To do this, you can learn how to unhook from emotional traps at work and manage difficult or toxic relationships.

The 4-Step Unhooking Process Unhooking helps you to change your reaction to an emotionally upsetting situation at work. Step 1: Unhooking physically – Calms the body and releases negative energy.  Breathing (count to six), physical activity (5 minute walk). Step 2: Unhook mentally – Allows you to see the situation from another perspective. Ask yourself:  What’s actually happening ?  What’s their part?  What’s my part? (toughest one)  What are my options? Source: Crowley & Elster, 2006

The 4-Step Unhooking Process Step 3: Unhook verbally – Find the words to protect yourself and get out of the workplace trap. Focus on the overall goal. Step 4: Unhook with a business tool – Use a standard procedure or written document to depersonalize and document the situation. Common business tools:  Performance expectations  Performance reviews  Policies and procedures  Disciplinary action forms  Memos, s, letters  Meeting agendas/minutes Source: Crowley & Elster, 2006

Revisiting the Sample Difficult Situation/Person Unhook physically – Disengage from the meeting momentarily to breathe deeply to calm down. Unhook mentally – Internally, tell yourself not to be intimidated, that you can find an effective and calm way to be heard. Unhook verbally – Once calm mentally, re-enter the meeting, and state, “I respect your right to disagree with my idea. However, I need you to let me finish presenting my idea fully without being cut short. Then, I will welcome discussion and feedback on my idea.” Unhook with a business tool – After the meeting, develop your idea further in written form. Send an to the department chair to ask that your idea be put on the next meeting agenda. Then, send an to all department colleagues asking them to review what you have written for the next meeting.

Take Away – Personal Unhooking Assessment Tool