Writing Workshop (v4.1)1 Workshop: Writing for clarity and grace Yui-Wah (Clement) Lee, PhD

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 2 of 70 Better writing makes a big difference Compare the following two sentences: a.Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors. b.We could better evaluate how those with learning disorders respond to treatment if we could standardize an index that accurately describes how they behave.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 3 of 70 References The examples in this talk are mostly taken from these four books: 1.Joseph M. Williams, Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace 2.William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, The Elements of Style 3.Michael Swan, Practical English Usage 4.Lyn Dupre, BUGS in Writing: A Guide to Debugging Your Prose You will also need a good dictionary (with lots of examples) The slides of this talk can be downloaded from here: –

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 4 of 70 Example 1 Which of the following do you prefer? Why? a.The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. b.A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. Common structure: subject + verb ( + object) Try underlining the subject and highlighting the verb C1

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 5 of 70 Example 1: Answer In the following, the subjects are underlined, and the verbs boldfaced. a.The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. b.A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 6 of 70 Tip #1: Avoid long subjects In the following,the subjects are underlined, and the verbs boldfaced. xa. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. b. A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. Your readers parse sentences with the following grammar: subject + verb [ + object ]. The longer the subject of your sentence, the more effort they will have to put in to parse your sentence.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 7 of 70 Example 2 Compare the following two sentences a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. C2

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 8 of 70 Example 2: Step 1: Subject and Verb Underline the subjects and highlight the verbs. a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 9 of 70 Example 2: Step 1: Result a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 10 of 70 Characters and actions Every story needs characters and actions

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 11 of 70 More on characters and actions Consider these: a.Once upon a time, there was Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and Wolf. The end. b.Once upon a time, a walk through the woods happened, when a jump out from behind a tree caused fright. c.Once upon a time, a walk through the woods by Little Red Ridding Hood to Grandma’s house happened, when Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree caused fright in her. d.Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods to Grandma’s house, when Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 12 of 70 More on characters and actions: #2 Consider these: a.Once upon a time, there was Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and Wolf. The end. b.Once upon a time, a walk through the woods happened, when a jump out from behind a tree caused fright c.Once upon a time, a walk through the woods by Little Red Ridding Hood to Grandma’s house happened, when Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree caused fright in her. d.Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods to Grandma’s house, when Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 13 of 70 Example 2: Step 2a: Characters a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. Who are the characters?  Circle the characters in these sentences.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 14 of 70 Example 2: Step 2a: Result a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. c.Characters  the Federalists, fractions, popular democracy Notice that these characters are the grammatical subjects in (b) but they are not in (a)

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 15 of 70 Example 2: Step 2b: Actions a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of *fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. What are the actions of these characters?

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 16 of 70 Example 2: Step 2b: Result a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. Actions: argument, destabilization, belief, tendency, further Notice that these actions are nouns in (a) but verbs in (b)

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 17 of 70 Tip #2: Help your readers find the characters and the actions Every story needs characters and actions In general, the characters should appear as the grammatical subjects of your sentences. Their actions should be expressed as the verbs of your sentences.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 18 of 70 Nominalization Nominalization: verbs or adjectives become nouns E.g. verbs become nouns –Argue  argument –Destabilize  destabilization E.g. adjectives become nouns –Careless  carelessness –Different  difference E.g. adding –ing to a verb (gerund) –She flies  her flying –We sang  our singing E.g. notes: some nominalizations are identical to their corresponding verb: –Lack  lack –Need  need C3

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 19 of 70 Nominalization  Notice how verbs in (b) become nouns in (a) a.The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. b.The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 20 of 70 Example 3 Underline any nominalized verbs in the following: Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 21 of 70 Example 3: Answer Underline any nominalized verbs in the following: Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 22 of 70 Tip #3: Avoid unnecessary nominalization Compare: xBetter evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors. We could better evaluate how those with learning disorders respond to treatment if we could standardize an index that accurately describes how they behave.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 23 of 70 Useful nominalization Nominalization is useful if a nominalized verb: 1.is in a subject that refers to a previous sentence: These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim. 2.can replace an awkward The fact that: The fact that she acknowledged the problem impressed me Her acknowledgment of the problem impressed me. 3.saves words when it names what would be the object of the verb: I accepted what she requested. I accepted her request. 4.refers to a concept so familiar that the concept itself is almost a character Few problems have so divided us as abortion on demand. The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections. Taxation without representation was not central to the Revolution.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 24 of 70 Example 4 Compare the following two sentences. Which one do you prefer? Why? a.Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method, while now the laboratory method is employed. b.Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method; while now it is taught by the laboratory method. C4

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 25 of 70 Tip #4: Express coordinate ideas in similar form a.Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method, while now the laboratory method is employed. b.Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method; while now it is taught by the laboratory method. In (b), the author chose one form (“science was/is taught by …”) and held to it. In (a), the author gave the impression that he is undecided or timid.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 26 of 70 Example 5 Can you see why the following is problematic? xThe ball bounced off the pavement and through the window; it was cracked already. (Hint: the problem is with the “it”.) C5

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 27 of 70 Tip #5: Be careful with pronouns Pronouns: he, she, it, they, this, that, etc A pronoun refers back to something that has already been mentioned. Make sure that your pronoun refers to the right thing! Make sure that your pronoun is not dangling The problem of dangling pronoun is very common.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 28 of 70 Tip #5: Be careful with pronouns (cont’d) If a pronoun matches the subject of the previous sentence, then it denotes that subject. (In (a), the word “it” denotes “the ball”.) xa. The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window; it was cracked already. b. The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window; the window was cracked already. c. The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window, which was cracked already.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 29 of 70 Tip #5: Be careful with pronouns (cont’d) xa. A web client sends an HTTP request to a web server. It typically specifies the method GET or POST. ?b. A web client sends an HTTP request to a web server, which typically specifies the method GET or POST. c. A web client sends an HTTP request to a web server. The request typically specifies the method GET or POST. d. A web client sends to a web server an HTTP request, which typically specifies the method GET or POST. X

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 30 of 70 Pronouns: more examples Which one is problematic? a.John has broken his leg. He’ll be in hospital for a few days. b.John has got a new girl-friend. She works in a garage. c.John met Peter last year. He was a student at that time. John was a student when he met Peter last year. Peter was a student when John met him last year.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 31 of 70 Revisiting Tip #4: Express coordinate ideas in similar form: Example 4b Try rewriting the following a.My objections are, first, the injustice of the measure; second, that it is unconstitutional. b.My objections are, first, the injustice of the measure; second, the unconstitutionality of the measure.  (However, the word “measure” is repeated twice) c.My objections are, first, the injustice of the measure; second, the unconstitutionality of it.  (Now, the pronoun “it” is problematic.) d.My objections are, first, that the measure is unjust; second, that it is unconstitutional.  (Good)

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 32 of 70 Example 6 What is the problem of the following sentence? xa. The XYZ module was built. C6

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 33 of 70 Missing agents The problem of (a) is that the agent of the action is missing. xa. The XYZ module was built. b. The XYZ module was built by us. But then, why not write in the active voice? c. We built the XYZ module.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 34 of 70 Active vs passive: more examples Sir John Latton built this house in This house was built in 1486 (by Sir John Latton). A friend of ours is repairing the roof. The roof is being repaired (by a friend of ours). This book will change your life. Your life will be changed by this book. We designed and implemented an extension to the ABC system. An extension to the ABC system was designed and implemented (by us).

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 35 of 70 Tip #6: Prefer the active voice The active voice is usually more direct and vigorous than the passive voice. It also discourages the problem of missing agents (But there are notable exceptions)

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 36 of 70 Sometimes, however, the passive voice is preferred You purposely omit the agent. E.g.: The president was rumored to have considered resigning. Too many books have been written about the Second World War. An extension to the ABC system was designed and implemented (by students of last year -- we just took it and used it.). You want to keep the subject short. E.g.: A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. (c.f. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. )

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 37 of 70 Sometimes the passive voice is preferred (cont’d) Sometimes you choose the voice according to the character (the subject) you choose –‘Nice picture.’ ‘Yes, it was painted by my grandmother.’ –‘Nice picture.’ ‘Yes, my grandmother painted it.’ The dramatists of the Restoration are little esteemed today. Modern readers have little esteem for the dramatists of the Restoration.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 38 of 70 Example 7 What is the problem with the following? xDo not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more. C7

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 39 of 70 Example 7: Redundancy Exercise: In the following, when you find a word A that is redundant in the presence of another word B, underline B and highlight A. E.g. anticipate in advance xDo not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 40 of 70 Example 7: Redundancy Result: xDo not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.  Try rewriting it!

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 41 of 70 Eg 7: Removing redundancy xDo not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more. Do not try to anticipate revolutionary events because history shows that the outcome of minor events surprises us more.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 42 of 70 Tip #7: Omit needless words Omit words that mean little, that repeat other words, or that can be replaced by a phrase. Omit words whose meaning your reader can infer from other words.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 43 of 70 Example 8 Compare the following two paragraphs. Which one do you prefer? Why? a.Macbeth was very ambitious. This led him to wish to become king of Scotland. The witches told him that this wish of his would come true. The king of Scotland at this time was Duncan. Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth murdered Duncan. He was thus enable to succeed Duncan as king. b.Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth achieved his ambition and realized the prediction of the witches by murdering Duncan and becoming king of Scotland in his place. C8

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 44 of 70 Tip #8: Be clear, not be simple-minded (a) uses too many simple sentences; (b) uses a slightly more complex sentence structure, but overall it is more elegant. a.Macbeth was very ambitious. This led him to wish to become king of Scotland. The witches told him that this wish of his would come true. The king of Scotland at this time was Duncan. Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth murdered Duncan. He was thus enable to succeed Duncan as king. b.Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth achieved his ambition and realized the prediction of the witches by murdering Duncan and becoming king of Scotland in his place.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 45 of 70 Example 9a What is the problem of this sentence? a.You can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner for just sixty cents.  What costs sixty cents? The dinner or the call? How would you rewrite the sentence? C9

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 46 of 70 Example 9a: Suggested Answer Rewriting (a) into (b) a.You can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner for just sixty cents. b.For just sixty cents you can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 47 of 70 Tip #9: Keep related words together Keep related words together: a.You can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner for just sixty cents. b.For just sixty cents you can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 48 of 70 Keep related words together: Eg 9b What is the problem of this sentence? How would you rewrite it? a.New York’s first commercial human-sperm bank opened Friday with semen samples from 18 men frozen in a stainless steel tank.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 49 of 70 Eg 9b: Suggested Answer Rewriting (a) into (b) a.New York’s first commercial human-sperm bank opened Friday with semen samples from 18 men frozen in a stainless steel tank. b.New York’s first commercial human-sperm bank opened Friday when semen samples were taken from 18 men. The samples were then frozen and stored in a stainless steel tank.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 50 of 70 Editing your own prose It is very important that you re-read and re-write your own prose. However, you may be your worse editor. Why? Because you know your material too well ! You may forget that you know something that your readers don’t know. Solution: sidestep your own understanding; use a formulaic approach to diagnose your own prose C10

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 51 of 70 Tip #10: Use a formulaic approach to diagnose your own prose Formulaic diagnoses -- some possibilities: 1.Underline the first 7 or 8 words of every sentence. If you don’t see a character as the subject, rewrite your prose 2.Underline every occurrence nominalization and see if it should be changed into a verb 3.Check all pronouns 4.Check if related words have been kept together

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 52 of 70 Example 10 Underline the subjects and highlight all nominalized verbs:  Our analysis of the results of the experiment did not provide an explanation of its failure, because our data collection lacked the precision needed.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 53 of 70 Example 10: Step 1 Result: Our analysis of the results of the experiment did not provide an explanation of its failure, because our data collection lacked the precision needed. Now try rewriting it When we analyzed the results of the experiment, we could not explain why it failed, because we did not collect data precisely.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 54 of 70 Principles of Composition vs. Rules of Usage So far we discussed some principles of composition. However, to write well, you also need to know many rules of usage. Example: Rule: Use the proper articles (a/an/the): xWe live in small house. We live in a small house. xThe life is complicated. Life is complicated. Part II

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 55 of 70 Principles of Composition vs. Rules of Usage (Cont’d) Principles of Composition: –Main concerns: Clarity and Grace –You make explicit choices for better effects. Rules of Usage: –Main concern: Correctness –You need to develop an ability to know whether a given word order, sentence, or term is correct. –There are many rules of usage. Strunk and White has 11 rules, Dupre has 150 chapters, and Swan has over 600 articles. –Sometimes you can write correctly without knowing the exact rules  develop your “ears”

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 56 of 70 Rules of Usage: Example U1: Articles (a/an/the) Can you rewrite this?  Please can you lend me pound of butter till end of week? U1

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 57 of 70 Articles (a/an/the): the answer  Please can you lend me pound of butter till end of week? Please can you lend me a pound of butter till the end of the week? Articles: –a/an (indefinite article) –the (definite article) (= ‘we know which one(s)) –some/any (plural form of a/an) –no article For more information, please read [Swan] Articles 62-69

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 58 of 70 Rules of Usage: Example U2 Can you rewrite this? xThe best way to see a country, unless you are pressed for time is to travel on foot. U2

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 59 of 70 Rules of Usage: Example U2 (cont’d) Parenthetic expressions: xThe best way to see a country, unless you are pressed for time is to travel on foot. The best way to see a country, unless you are pressed for time, is to travel on foot.  Enclose a parenthetic expression between a pair of commas. For more information, please read [Strunk and White] Chapter I.3

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 60 of 70 Rules of Usage: Example U3 Do these two sentences mean the same? a.The ABC computer that has the most bells and whistles will sell fastest. b.The ABC computer, which has the most bells and whistles, will sell fastest. U3

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 61 of 70 “Which” versus “That” “That” identifies the objects about which you are speaking, whereas “which” merely provides further information about those objects. (“That”  restrictive clause; “which”  nonrestrictive clause) a.The ABC computer that has the most bells and whistles will sell fastest. (There are several types of ABC computers. Among them the one that will sell fastest is the one with the most features.) b.The ABC computer, which has the most bells and whistles, will sell fastest. (There is only one ABC computer. It has the most features, and it will sell fastest.) C.f. [Dupre] Chapter 17 Note that you should enclose a “which” clause by a pair of commas.

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 62 of 70 Summary #1 Principles of composition (some examples) 1.Avoid long subjects 2.Help your readers find the characters and the actions 3.Avoid unnecessary nominalization 4.Express coordinate ideas in similar form 5.Be careful with pronouns 6.Prefer the active voice 7.Omit needless words 8.Be clear, not be simple-minded 9.Keep related words together 10.Use a formulaic approach to diagnose your own prose

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 63 of 70 Summary #2 Rules of usage (some examples) 1.Articles: a/an/the 2.Parenthetic expression 3.“Which” versus “That” 4.…

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 64 of 70 References The examples in this talk are mostly taken from these four books: 1.Joseph M. Williams, Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace 2.William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, The Elements of Style 3.Michael Swan, Practical English Usage 4.Lyn Dupre, BUGS in Writing: A Guide to Debugging Your Prose You will also need a good dictionary (with lots of examples) The slides of this talk can be downloaded from here: –

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 65 of 70 Related topic: Learning English by Immersion R1

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 66 of 70 The four cornerstones of any language studies Read ListenSpeak Write

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 67 of 70 Learning Real English Large amount of input –Listen to some English everyday Repetition –Listen again and again Ear-eye multimodal learning –See the words when you listen –Make good use of subtitle/close-captioning in DVD or TV How can we fit language studies into our busy schedule? –Podcasting

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 68 of 70 Some useful technologies Subtitle (aka close captioning) in DVD or TV –You have to turn it on to see it Podcasting –Subscribe to various (audio) program series, and get new episodes by simply say “ refresh ” –Once you get the programs, you can sync them to your portable MP3 player (such as iPod)

Writing Workshop (v4.1)Page 69 of 70 What programs ? Textbook English Special English 慢速英語 –(e.g. VOA ) Single voice, normal speed –TV/Radio News –Talk shows (e.g. Fresh Air ) –Audio Books Round table (multiple voices, may overlap) –(e.g. this WEEK in TECH ) Movies More difficult

Writing Workshop (v4.1)70 The End