Things you can do Bob Baynham Educational Psychologist Coping with bullying Things you can do Bob Baynham Educational Psychologist

Overview Recap on bullying What are your options? The middle way Principles Techniques Group work / discussion

What are your options? Just take it and do nothing It will happen again What is the effect on you? May be justifiable as a positive stance of faith, but... For conscience toward God, endure grief, suffering wrongfully – 1 Peter 2/17 “turn the other cheek” – Matthew 5/39 Love your enemies – Matthew 5/44-46

What are your options? Give as good as you get Standing up to the bully? What is the effect on you? May be justifiable as a positive stance of faith God gets angry – why can’t we? Be angry and do not sin – Ephesians 4/26-27 Be not quick ... to become angry” – Ecclesiastes 7/7-9 Leads to bad feeling – and perhaps worse

What are your options? Make a complaint A last resort – Acts 6/1 What is the effect on you? Follow the scriptural pattern – Matthew 18/15-17 Take personal responsibility Find allies Take it to your manager or HR Make sure it’s about problem-solving not retribution

The middle way Taking personal responsibility Resolution not retribution Assertiveness – the Goldilocks option Not passive Not aggressive

Passive or aggressive Video examples

Comments? What did you hear? What did you see? Tone of voice Coherence Lack of confidence What did you see? Body language Eyes Body Position

Passive Behaviour Signs Reluctant to express own opinions, and feelings Passive Often feels used by others Refrains from complaining Finds it difficult to refuse the requests of others Acquiesces in the views and desires of the majority Is submissive in the presence of aggressive behavior Frequently makes compromises for harmony

Passive Behaviour Reasons Fear of rejection Reasons Fear of upsetting others Passive Feeling responsible Inappropriate inner voices Inner voices = “Self-Talk”

Aggressive Behaviour Signs Frequently argues with others Aggressive Frequently gets angry Easily and frequently finds fault with others No difficulty in complaining when receiving poor quality Expects others to accommodate own schedules Continually works to personal agendas at others expense Rarely feels aware of the needs or feelings of others

Aggressive Behaviour Reasons Satisfying their own needs Disregard the needs of others Reasons Think as superior beings Aggressive Childhood emotional trauma Over-correction of being too passive Inappropriate dealing with anger

The middle way Work with the people next to you (twos and threes). What are the characteristics of assertiveness? Flipchart feedback Bill Rogers – Behaviour Management Resolution -> Restitution

Assertiveness is NOT… A guaranteed Way to get what you want A guaranteed way to win every argument A way to get others to feel like you feel or think like you think Telling everyone everything all the time

Need for Assertiveness Lack of assertiveness leads to Depression: feeling helpless with no control over your life Resentment: anger at others for taking advantage of you Frustration: why did I let that happen Temper: if you can't express anger appropriately it can build up to temper outbursts Relationships: when individuals can't tell each other what they want Anxiety: you may avoid certain situations which make you feel uncomfortable Stress: stress can have a negative impact on the body

Benefits of Being Assertive Makes you feel better about yourself People understand you better Assertiveness is a valuable skill in career progression Minimizes any unpleasantness Able to adapt to changing social and professional environments - transferrable Helps have better Relationships with others Doesn’t leave you with bad feelings Reduces stress

Principles of assertiveness Respect yourself Confront the situation – don’t ignore it Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand the other person’s needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it appropriately

Communication Passive Assertive Aggressive Style Not expressing needs Self-devaluing Waiting to be led Honest, open, direct Recognises own rights Listens to others’ needs Domineering, insisting Win / lose Not listening Non-verbal behaviour Small posture Quiet, hesitant voice Little eye contact Upright, balanced pose Firm, clear voice Steady eye contact Interrupting Loud Staring, pointing Language Sorry to bother you … I can’t seem to … It’s only my opinion I believe/need/I’d like No (when appropriate) Open questions That won’t work You can’t be serious Your problem / fault

Principles of assertiveness Respect yourself Confront the situation – don’t ignore it Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand the other person’s needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it appropriately

I’m okay – you’re okay You shall love your neighbour as yourself Matthew 19/19

Know Your Basic Rights And responsibilities To Assert To change mind To decide To dignity To be angry You have rights – and so do others. Eg: Right to be heard (in school)… But in turn! Right to be angry… but not a right to behave in an angry way. To make mistakes And responsibilities To say No To express To feel To be safe

Principles of assertiveness Respect yourself Confront the situation – don’t ignore it Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand the other person’s needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it appropriately

Problem-solving and negotiation Daniel 1/5, 8-16 Followed by CHB 348

Principles of assertiveness Respect yourself Confront the situation – don’t ignore it Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand the other person’s needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it appropriately Negotiation… A B Desired Point Bottom line ________________________| |__________________________ Overlap Greater than usually expected

Ecclesiastes 3 1. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 7. a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

Techniques of assertiveness Positive self-affirmation Rehearse Speak to the bully Use “I” statements Body language Don’t get side-tracked Negative enquiry Negative assertion Fogging Broken record

Affirmations for Work I am a competent and confident person I have skills and experience People listen to what I have to say At meetings I make a significant contribution Some of these affirmations may appeal, others may not. Develop a set for yourself I am independent of the approval of others I can always find opportunities in situations of change I am creating my desired future

Affirmations for Life I am what I am I am loved by God and his son, the Lord Jesus Christ I am a sweet savour of Christ to all I meet In loving myself I love others Some of these affirmations may appeal, others may not. Develop a set for yourself I am continually developing to be more like Jesus I am open to the opportunities this day brings; eg, I will look for opportunities to serve Christ In giving I achieve more I am open to the opportunities this day brings

Techniques of assertiveness Positive self-affirmation Rehearse Speak to the bully Use “I” statements Body language Don’t get side-tracked Negative enquiry Negative assertion Fogging Broken record

Speak to the bully If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. Matthew 18/15-17

I Statements 1. ‘I’ statements are among the most powerful you can make, both for yourself and others 2. In ‘I’ statements you are affirming who you are and what you want. ‘I’ statements can be used in a variety of ways: ● Situation ● Interpretation and understanding ● Feelings and emotions ● Wants and needs ● Future actions When you say…, I feel… Using them is the hallmark of assertiveness

Non Verbal Aspects of Assertiveness Eye Contact -Passive uses very little -Aggressive never drops eye contact -Assertive person uses about 50 % of the time Voice Tone -Non Assertive : Too Soft, Hard to hear -Aggressive: Too Loud -Assertive: effective tone modulation Posture -Passive: Fold in themselves and make small fidgets. -Aggressive: Confront and stand up. Assertive: Stand up tall straight. Position and Space -Respect keeping on the same level. -Sit down if the other is. -Stand up when the other is. -keep arms distance Facial Expression -Face should reflect the emotion being expressed. -“I am Angry” needs serious expression. “Delighted” needs a happy expression

Negative Enquiry Negative Enquiry Enquiry is real fun. You invite extra criticism and/or examples so that you have the benefit of additional feedback. ACCUSATION ‘You’re lazy’ ‘You’re always late’ ‘You’re stupid’ ‘You’re selfish’ REPLY ‘Oh really, in what way?’ ‘Always? How do you know that for a fact?’ ‘My understanding may be different from yours, what exactly do you mean by that?’ ‘Can you explain why this particular instance has caused you to brand me with such a label?’

Negative Assertion When people call us names, or give us negative labels, we usually wish to defend ourselves Negative Assertion 2. Aggressive or manipulative people who do this to us soon find our weak spots. 3. Negative assertion is like jujitsu where you use the power of your protagonist to turn the situation to your advantage 4. No one is perfect, so in negative assertion All you do is accept the part of the that is true, in a matter of fact way Look at the examples: ‘If you think that, you must be stupid’ You: ‘I admit I’m not the brightest person around’ ‘And you are always making mistakes’ You: ‘Yes, I do make mistakes occasionally’

Fogging Fogging Fogging involves using words that acknowledge the other person's point of view, and accepting that it might be true under some circumstances, but without necessarily accepting it is true of you. Fogging is particularly powerful if you are able to restate the other person's opinion in a way that could be true of anyone or everyone, e.g. "You're always making mistakes" “We all make mistakes."

Broken Record Repeat yourself again and again and again, until the person gives in or concedes to your demands. 2. Most people capitulate after you repeat yourself three times. Broken record is particularly useful when: Dealing with those in authority You are not getting what you are entitled to Dealing with people brighter or more fluent than you The other person is likely to use put-downs Because you just have to repeat yourself, broken record is really easy to use.

Broken record EXAMPLE You: ‘The program was not up to standard, and we did not cover all the elements said in the brochure so I want a refund.’ Reply: ‘Other people have not complained, in fact some of the evaluations are excellent.’ You: ‘They might be, but I want a refund because the work was not up to standard.’ Reply: ‘In my opinion as a course tutor the course was up to standard.’ You: ‘I can appreciate that is your opinion but I want a refund.’ Reply: ‘It is not our policy to give refunds.’ You: ‘That may be your policy but I want a refund.’

The blind man healed by Jesus John 9 I went and washed and received my sight (v11) I washed, and I see (v15) I was blind, now I see (v25) I have told you already (v27) And yet he opened my eyes (v30) Never..has it been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a man born blind (v32)

What is assertiveness? Work with the people next to you (twos and threes). Watch the scenario

What is assertiveness Revisit our earlier flipchart What would we add or take away?

What is Assertiveness ? An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your needs, feelings, opinions, and beliefs in an open and honest manner without violating the rights of others