Sex in the Forbidden Zone MORAL LEADERSHIP TRAINING Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED

Outline of Brief Introduction Definitions Relationships of Value The Lure for Men The Lure for Women Wounds of Women Wounds of Men Women in the Forbidden Zone Men in the Forbidden Zone A Guide to Help us Out Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED

SEX IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE is: “Sexual behavior between a man and a woman who have a professional relationship based on TRUST, specifically when the man is the woman’s doctor, therapist, pastor, lawyer, teacher, or workplace mentor.” --Dr. P. Rutter Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Definitions

Boundaries Sexual Behavior Sexual Invasion Sexual Fantasy Abuse Power Trust Psyche Wounds Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Definitions (cont.)

Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Relationships of Value: THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HEART OF THE FORBIDDEN ZONE Why do otherwise healthy men and women in a professional relationship cross the boundary into the sexual Forbidden Zone? Trying to heal wounds; meet unmet needs Based on upbringing and life experiences Different for women and men Expecting too much from the relationship

Trying to Heal a Wounded Self-Esteem Masculine myth of the feminine -- Women should defer to men in all things (practical or intimate) -- Women have irresistible, seductive powers (therefore, it’s not my fault) -- Women are dark and destructive (so they deserve whatever they get) The Lure of the Forbidden Zone for Men: Sexual Healing Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED

Feelings of hope for healing past hurts Feelings of hope for better tomorrow where true self is awakened & acknowledged The nonsexual relationship meant so much that breaking it off (by saying no to sex) was unthinkable (p. 59) Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED The Lure of the Forbidden Zone for Women: Hope

Boundary Invasion--feeling of no control over their own boundaries Profound Childhood Aloneness-- crave attention; will use sex to get that attention Exploited Compassion-- emotional healer of family; feels need to heal all men Devalued Outer Potential-- women are to be at home; mentors offer them an “out” The Wounds of Women Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED

WHO ME? WOUNDED? (see p. 105) The Wounds of Men Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Wounds from the Culture - Men can’t be weak / vulnerable - Denial leads to quest for healing - Most men search for healing sexually Wounds from the Father--lack of intimacy Wounds from the Mother - Smothering -> disrespect of boundaries - Distant -> emotionally starved - Victims -> this is how men treat women

“There can be no such thing in the adult sense as consenting to a sexual act by a woman with a man who has power over her,” (p. 101, Rutter). Violations of the boundaries between a professional man and his female protogee are, psychologically speaking, like acts of rape and incest! “But she said ‘yes’....” The Results of Betrayal Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED

Stages of Men in the Forbidden Zone Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED I’m looking her over Is she interested in me? What would she be like to touch? I can’t stop fantasizing about her. I’ll ask her about her sex life. I’ll ask her if she fantasizes about me. I’ll close the physical space between us. I’ll become more overtly suggestive to her. I think she’s being seductive towards me. I’m fantasizing about exactly how it will happen.

Stages of Men in the Forbidden Zone (cont.) Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Considerations: -- Can I get away with it? -- If it feels right, it can’t be wrong. -- Deep inner voice of conscience. Restraint gone--decision to move ahead Dual Relationship--arranging a meeting Do we talk about it first? The aftermath--love and marriage

Stages of Men in the Forbidden Zone (cont.) Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Holding Back -- A Positive Response 4 Holding back out of responsibility to protect the woman 4 Holding back out of moral choice 4 Holding back out of fear 4 Holding back out of service to inner self

A Guide for Men Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED If you’re already on the edge: -- Stop and get help -- Don’t act on the impulse -- Relinquish her as a potential partner -- Terminate the relationship

A Guide for Men (cont.) Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED We’re ALL vulnerable -- Recognize the importance of your own fantasy -- Acknowledge sexual abuse of trust is WRONG -- Take stock of your own problems -- Realize the damage done to women -- Help your co-workers -- Uphold laws and the ethical codes of conduct -- Get help from someone -- Don’t be a silent bystander

A Guide for Men (cont.) Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED Practical things we can do in Center Brigade -- Never counsel alone -- Recognize and admit your own weaknesses -- Talk to someone you trust -- Keep relationships on a professional level -- Be open to the warning signs -- Ask to be moved -- Develop healthy relationships away from work Other suggestions????

Your Comments? Office of the Center Brigade Chaplain UNCLASSIFIED