The marital cost to porn viewing Counseling Associates

His Detachment….. Counseling Associates

the changes in the bedroom… Counseling Associates

The broken promises…. Counseling Associates

are REAL Counseling Associates

What the wife sees….. Irritability Mood swings Provokes arguments Unexplained time or money Masturbation Computer time increases Moving the monitor so others can’t see it Detached from wife and children Wandering eyes confused Counseling Associates

What the wife feels… Emotional detachment His lack of eye contact Lack of affirmation His unwillingness to talk during sex Changes in the bedroom Avoiding sex He is defensive when asked about computer, T.V. or movie habits Distrust Counseling Associates

Her reality…. Change in intimacy Change in emotional attachment Change in the physical attachment His lying His deception His disconnection Counseling Associates

His reality… Self-soothing Dopamine Changes in the Frontal Cortex Avoidance of intimacy Connecting to fantasies Shame driven Guilt Counseling Associates

Fog of Addiction Primary Content Eye to eye Emotional Connection Relational Interactive Emotional Intimacy Secondary Content Distracted Reading newspaper, T.V., computer, movies Present but not participating In the room, but invisible Counseling Associates Counseling Associates

The problem is larger than it appears Counseling Associates

Cycles of Addiction fantasies Guilt & shame porn masturbation dopamine Counseling Associates

Isaiah 65:2 “All day long I have held out my hands to an obstinate people, who walk in ways not good, pursing their own imaginations” Counseling Associates

An addiction to people, behaviors, and things. The fallacy of trying to control people, things and events. Control is central or lack of it is central to every aspect of life. Counseling Associates

The codependent’s beliefs Personal identity enmeshed in another person Motivated by compulsion Low self-esteem Happiness hinges on others Feels inordinately responsible for others Counseling Associates

Symptoms of Codependency Begins with pain Evolves into martyrdom, denial, & rescuing the husband Rescues & enables behaviors Wife’s personal needs go unmet Depression Anger Counseling Associates

Relational Trauma Attachment injury Betrayal in a committed relationship Abandonment Unsafe relationship Relationship threatened Infidelity Neglect Abuse Counseling Associates

Post-Traumatic stress disorder PTSD is diagnosed by a mental health professional Exposure to a traumatic event Persistent re- experiencing (of the event) Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (such as difficulty falling or staying asleep) Symptoms last more than one month Significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning Counseling Associates

Relational Trauma PTSD Counseling Associates

Trauma’s Symptoms Reliving the event Helplessness Hyper vigilance Sleeplessness Anxiety Intrusive Images Panic Attacks Depression Change in appetite Mood swings Denial Confusion Rage Counseling Associates

Feel married and alone? Counseling Associates

You are not alone Isaiah 54:4-5 “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband and the Lord of hosts is His name and the holy one of Israel is your redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called.” Counseling Associates

Once you see The signs The cycle His fog Your powerlessness Break out of the silence Transition from helplessness to hopefulness Counseling Associates

Get Counseling Associates

Outside Resources Counseling With trained sexual addition counselor Supportive and Safe Friends Support Group for Partners S-Anon International Family Groups Recovering Couples Anonymous Education/Reading Pastors Counseling Associates

Set Boundaries Confront lovingly Believe behaviors – not words Take definitive action – Talk to a trusted person or counselor Join a partner’s group Physical boundaries for yourself No patrolling Pray Counseling Associates

Crisis to Stability “Impersonal Energy” moving into an aspect of one’s personality which is not bound to emotions and feelings. Step outside of emotions and view ourselves from a different perspective. Tana Slay PHD Counseling Associates

Empowerment Six ingredients of empowerment 1. Healthy boundaries 2. Maintaining solid grounding – faith 3. Self awareness, impersonal energy 4. Healthy communication skills 5. Healthy conflict management skills 6. Reframing ourselves as survivors rather than victims Marcia Chellis Counseling Associates

Freedom Kansas City An Association of Freedom Partner’s Groups New Hope Darrell Brazell Heart to Heart Counseling Doug Weiss Marsh Means Counseling Associates

“Praise be to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Cor. 1:3-4 The God of all comfort Counseling Associates

There is HOPE “Finding new hope by transforming past pain into a positive purpose” Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by: Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means Counseling Associates

Resources An Affair of the Mind by: Laurie Hall Beyond the Bedroom by: Doug Weiss Boundaries by: Henry Cloud and John Townsend Choosing Forgiveness by: Nancy DeMoss Forgiving the Unforgivable by: Beverly Flanigan Living With Your Husband’s Wars by: Marsha Means Love Must be Tough by: James Dobson Partners: Healing From His Addiction by: Doug Weiss Sex, Men, and God by: Doug Weiss The New Drug of the Millennium by: Mark Kastleman Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by: Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means Counseling Associates