Contract Negotiations Communication

Tonight’s Objectives Recognize quality conversation with your child Understand the difference between communicating feelings and ideas as opposed to facts and information Learn to encourage expression of feelings Learn how communication styles influence family members

Can you remember when your children were very small and you could tell what they wanted or needed just from the sound of their cry?

Parents instinctively know their young children’s needs, but communication becomes a problem as children grow older.

“I know something is bothering my son, but he just shrugs his shoulders and says nothing’s wrong.”

“It seems like every conversation we have ends up in an argument or fight.”

“My daughter seems so depressed and angry, but she won’t open up.”

Why is this happening?  Parents fall into the trap of maintenance talk…questioning, talking facts and giving information.  Parents often control the conversation with their young child.  Children’s communication skills are not fully developed.  Our demanding responsibilities and schedules interfere.

Webster’s definition of communication, “the act of getting a message from point A to point B to convey thoughts, information or ideas.” Thoughts, information, ideas

What are some things parents say to children to convey information or exert power?

Where are your shoes? What time is your game? Go finish your homework. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.

Types of Parental Communication 1. Messages said in anger, commands, threats 2. Talking down to the child 3. Endless talking, lecturing, nagging 4. Firm communication that feels safe and nonjudgmental 5. Messages that lack firmness 6. Using vocabulary child does not understand 7. Avoiding issues 8. Communication without eye contact 9. Too many words or ideas at a time 10. Criticism, put downs, teasing about sensitive subjects, messages that hurt

To have a close relationship, families must be able to communicate on a deeper level, the level of feelings and emotions.

This type of communication develops close, trusting relationships in families. It enables families to get through stressful and difficult times.

Which color shows: Tone of Voice? Spoken Words? Body Language and Facial Features?

What patterns of parents’ communication discourage true communication with children? Examples: Excessive talking No eye contact Interrogation Commanding Criticizing Advising Too busy to listen Nagging Lecturing Preaching

Remember the 4 Family Atmospheres? Each of those parenting styles affects family communication.

Authoritarian One way communication; sacrifices true communication

Permissive Open style of communication with few rules and guidelines creating inconsistency

Uninvolved Little or no communication

Authoritative Open, two way communication

The Four Basic Emotions: JOY ANGER SADNESS FEAR all are in place before a child’s first birthday

When Feelings Arrive Birth 6 – 8 Weeks 3 – 4 Months 8 – 9 Months 12 – 18 Months 18 Months 2 Years 3 – 4 Years 5 – 6 Years Adolescence Pleasure, distress, surprise Joy Anger Sadness, fear Tenderness, affection Shame Pride Guilt Social emotions, envy, confidence Romantic passion, brooding, philosophical thinking

Children generally express most of their emotions through play, art, writing, or behavior. Their facial expressions are also good indicators of how they might be feeling. How do children express their emotions?

Dealing with Emotions 3 Ways Suppression – We can only hold in our emotions in for so long before they emerge in one way or another Verbalization – Children do not always understand their feelings or communicate well enough to express them Acting out – Children usually show emotions behaviorally, many times in behaviors not related to the source of the problem

Which technique is the most dangerous? Suppression, because we have to be extremely intuitive to figure out what is wrong. When children’s feelings are suppressed, they eventually come out, most often in unhealthy ways. Children do not always understand how they feel, or can not express it verbally Adults must help children channel their behaviors into healthy responses

How can parents help children handle their feelings?

First, understand and identify your own emotions and feelings See Feelings Faces Handouts

Second, Model Healthy Ways of Expressing Emotions

How do you show: Anger? Fear? Anxiety? Stress?

Parents must refrain from: Type of response Denying Minimizing Talking out of Rescuing Example “No, you don’t dislike your teacher.” “Oh, don’t worry. You will have forgotten all about it tomorrow.” “There isn’t such a thing as a monster.” “Well that party wouldn’t have been any fun anyway. We will just go to McDonalds and have our own party.”

Help children identify, understand, and express their feelings For example, if a child says he is “mad”, help him talk through the real emotions he is feeling about the situation or occurrence…such as disappointment, embarrassment, jealousy, etc.

Tools to help children deal with emotions Be a role model Be available Express your own feelings and deal with them in healthy ways Spend one-on-one time with each child, use eye contact, send messages that you care how they feel, listen and watch for subtle messages

Listen reflectively Identify how you think the child feels, give the feeling a name, and use statements, not questions