Time for the College Essay

coll_b_ html#s187452&title=The_CringeInducing_Metaphor Some pitfalls to avoid

First one: Change in life Introduction: is a personal introduction: – Tone is ironic Concrete details- name dropping Showing a change Style: parallel construction in first and last paragraph Tone humorous, ironic Voice: honest, strong

Parallel construction Parallel structure means using the same pattern of words to show that two or more ideas have the same level of importance. This can happen at the word, phrase, or clause level. The usual way to join parallel structures is with the use of coordinating conjunctions using and or or.

Mary likes to hike, to swim, and to ride a bicycle. OR: Mary likes to hike, swim, and ride a bicycle.

Not Parallel: Mary likes hiking, swimming, and to ride a bicycle. Parallel: Mary likes hiking, swimming, and riding a bicycle.

Not Parallel: The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and in a detailed manner.

Parallel: The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and thoroughly.

2 nd essay about someone who inspired you. Begins with a portrait Brings the person’s voice in to the essay: “Rrrroll youir R’s Strong use of verbs: stomps, wiggles, bellows and whispers Notice how he doesn’t start with: “A person who inspired me was….” Wonderful strong detail

#3 WHAT NOT TO DO Terrible lead: don’t repeat the question here. Just jump in Using passive voice Not being specific (people) – What type of traditions? – Jumps to too many topics

Brain storm List making: Failures Greatest success Five things you know A fear you conquered Favorite social activity Philosophy of life in one sentence?

Let’s write Hook. Start with a great line. Drop the reader into the heart of the story – Examples from successful essays: applying/lesson5_introductions.html

GIVE THE ADMISSION OFFICER A REASON TO KEEP READING Put a lot of time and effort into your introduction – One technique is to create mystery or intrigue in the first paragraph Do not give away the whole story right at the beginning The intro can shrink when you need to be concise – One vivid sentence might do: " My favorite science project was a complete failure."

Openings Dialogue Action Introduction Creative Introduction Overarching Societal Statements Personal Introduction

Action Introduction An action introduction takes the reader into the middle of an action sequence.

I promised God I would eat all my peas, but He didn't care. A confused eleven-year-old girl, I sat and listened to my father pace. With each heavy step echoing loudly throughout the silent house, my family's anxiety and anticipation mounted while awaiting news of my grandfather's health. My heart racing, I watched the clock, amazed that time could crawl so slowly. Finally, the telephone interrupted the house's solemn silence. I heard my father repeating the words "yes, yes, of course." He then hung up the receiver and announced my grandfather's death and cancer's victory.

Dialogue The dialogue introduction brings the reader directly into the action, only this time in the form of dialogue. If you are writing about an influential figure in your life, you can mention a quote from this person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had on your life.

"You must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I ordered my brother when he returned home last summer from the University of Indianapolis. Echoing the prejudiced, ignorant sentiment that I had grown up with, I believed it was wrong to become seriously involved with a person who does not follow the Hindu religion and is not a member of the Indian race.

Overarching Societal Statement This can be very effective if the statement is unique and gives a glimpse into how you view the world. It can be detrimental if your statement is debatable or unclear. Make sure that if you use this form of introduction, that it will not offend any admissions office.

example High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day of ninth grade.

Personal Introduction The personal introduction takes the reader directly into your mind. It says, "This is what it is like to be me. Let me take you to my little world." Since there is a little voyeur in even the most stern admissions officer, this type of introduction can be very effective. It is always in the first person and usually takes an informal, conversational tone:

example At times, I think the world around me is crumbling to the ground, but it never does. Like most people, I face the crunches of deadlines and endless demands on my time, but I have never encountered the type of adversity that can crush people, that can drive people crazy, that can drive them to suicide.

Avoid 1 Avoid using quotes or questions. Quotes from non-famous people work better. Starting with a question is lazy. Unless, of course it works. 2. Avoid restating the college application question in the first sentence. Not effective as a hook.

Your introduction Look at what you wrote last night. Do you have a hook? Can you improve it? Try another entry in…just to see if there is a better hook

Content Is your essay focused on one main event/person/belief? Do you tell a story that explains the how or why of your topic? If not…find one. Make your essay specific and not a list.

Devil in the details What are some concrete images that might help us visualize? Not too many, but enough to set the stage “sooty hands in his beat up pick-up truck.” Any sensory details that you associate with this particular person or experience? jot them down.

Be Specific Don’t write in very general terms instead of telling a specific story. – OR If you were writing about the power of music or food, there were places where concrete detail was missing. Find personal ways to connect. Or what have you learned from a specific experience. Show through detail and story, don’t get caught up in the generalities of music. How does it affect you?

Cutting out wordiness and repetition repetition repetition I have to admit that theater did not come naturally to me, and I remember that I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on the stage. The first time I was on stage was in eighth grade when my best friend talked me into auditioning for our school’s performance of Romeo and Juliet.

Step 1 1. cut out the fat – (those pretentious, snobby phrases: –“IT IS POSSIBLE-IT IS A WELL KNOWN FACT…

Step 2 Cross out repetitive words and phrases

Step 3 Now revise it on your own! YOU CAN DO IT YES YOU CAN

Theater did not come naturally to me, and I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on stage in the eighth grade. My best friend had talked me into auditioning for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Vague and Imprecise Language I like lots of things about basketball. For one, the activity allows me to develop abilities that will help me in future endeavors.

Step 1 Cut out words that take up space.

Vague and Imprecise Language

One step further Basket ball allows me to develop abilities that will help me in future endeavors. Team work, for example, is important for building success.

"Not only do I find basketball fun, but the sport has helped me develop my leadership and communication skills, as well as my ability to work with a team. As a result, my love of basketball will make me a better business major."

Friday commas! Tomorrow is picture day No hats, sunglasses, wigs etc. Homework: keep working on essay. First draft is due next Wednesday (10 pts)

Looking at first draft: tips ollege-Essay-Style-Tips.htm ollege-Essay-Style-Tips.htm

Self edit

Looking at first draft Looking at opening line: hooking the reader Did you use one of the intros we looked at in class? 1.Creative 2.Action 3.Dialogue 4.Personal introduction (I used to be cool)

Don’t use some of the following 1 Avoid using quotes or questions. Quotes from non- famous people work better. Starting with a question is lazy. 2. Avoid restating the college application question in the first sentence. Not effective as a hook.

Content Is your essay focused on one main event/person/belief? Do you tell a story that explains the how or why of your topic? If not…find one. Make your essay specific and not a list.

Don’t Digress

Reflection Did you explain why this topic is important? -How do you know this event/person/change/belief is important? -What did it/they teach you?

Add more… On back of essay: restate why this is an important story. What else did you learn that you forgot to include in the essay? –What were you like before? -How have you been changed? -What action did you or will you take to show college that you were affected by this story/person?

Concrete detail –Have you illustrated your examples? –Example: My dad helped me move. –“Seventeen years later he showed up with a U-Haul rigged to pick-up his outside my apartment in Nebraska.”

Concrete detail “I used to be a pretty deep guy. gives examples how: “I was Gary Snyder seeking enlightenment…

Circle places where you could add detail

revisions Due Friday