Marriage Preparation the Foundation of Marriage! Title page / Day four

“When marrying, one should ask oneself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this man/woman into your old age?

Activity, “Love at First Sight”, Which jobs from the list look like they are male or female jobs? What Criteria did you use in your group to decide if the character was a male or a female? Why do we assume some jobs are male or female? Are any of the jobs listed definitely male or female?

“Jacobsen Martial Roles Scale” Instructions: Give yourself one point each time your answer matches the response listed by the corresponding number below. Example - on question number 1, if you responded A, give yourself one point. If you responded SD, do not give yourself a point. Total your score and circle your rating at the bottom. 1. S.A, A. 7. S.D. 13. S.D.,D., U. 2. S.A., A. 8. S.D. 14. S.D.,D., U. 3. S.A., A. 9. S.D., D. 15. S.D.,D., U. 4. S.A., A., U. 10. S.D., D.,U. 16. S.A.,A. 5. S.D., D 11. S.D., D. 17. S.D.,D. 6. S.D., D. 12. S.D., D. 18. S.D.,D., U. METHOD OF RATING 15-18 = extremely egalitarian 11-14 = egalitarian 6-10 = traditional 1- 5 = extremely traditional

Building IN-LAW Relationships Develop a relationship with your in-laws Establish parent/child relationship with new parents. What will you call you in-laws? Will you knock on the door when you go to their home? Do not interpret interest as interference. If they give advice…. Remember, the decision is between you and your spouse, but mature enough to recognize when advice is good and follow it. If you decide not to follow it, decline with respect.

Building IN-LAW Relationships Look for positive characteristics. Everyone has good points. You will be much happier if you look for the positive instead of the negative, and expect to get along. Accept them for what they are. Treat your in-laws with respect and courtesy. Avoid causing resentment by saying to doing things that can never be taken back. These people will be a permanent part of your life. If conflict is unavoidable, keep visits short, thus allowing less time for problems to arise. Give them (and you) time to adjust.

Building IN-LAW Relationships Grow into a new relationship with your own parents. (This will greatly help your spouse with his/her in-law adjustment.) Withdraw closeness (not love) from parents and siblings. Re-adjust your relationship; they are not your primary family now. This can be hard for parents, but wise parents will help you do this. Make your spouse your first priority (come home to him/her first, give news to first, etc.)

Building IN-LAW Relationships Build your relationship with your mate. Do not discuss your mates’ faults with friends and family. This builds resentment against your mate, and can even help to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. If you must complain to someone, talk it out with your wife/husband. Continually build your marriage, making it the number one priority in your life.

C. The first week of marriage can be a real eye-opening experience C. The first week of marriage can be a real eye-opening experience. The daily idiosyncrasies your mate displays may humor you, or annoy you. Just remember, he/she is feeling the same about you. Do you brush your teeth before breakfast? Is daily religion a part of your life? Do you eat meals at specific times as an entire family? Do you iron your clothes, or just “wash and wear”? It is often helpful to spend time in the home of your in-laws and observe the way they live. (It gives immediate insight into some of those strange things your mate does.)

We always do it this way… Do not hold your own family up as a model to follow their habits, traditions, and rituals. “My mother’s cookies are a lot softer than yours.” “Opening Christmas presents on Christmas Eve is what my family did.” Some of the most exciting rituals and patterns will be the new and creative ones you and your mate invent on your own.

Adjusting to DUAL CAREERS

What Children Can Do Older children can help take responsibility at home to ease the work load and to become more independent and responsible members of the family. 13

What Men Can Do Successful role sharing includes sharing the workload more equally in both the work place and at home. More than anything else, the husband's attitude toward the wife's working becomes the deciding factor in whether the roles are successfully shared. With so many women in the work force, men have accepted that they need to help more with housework, but they have been slower to accept the household-family role than women have been to accept the employment role.

Spouse Sharing Roles Successfully: Whether women work outside the home or not, they still do most of the housework, meal preparation, organize doctor appointments, etc. And the mom’s attitude and feelings of content toward her job determines the overall happiness of the family.

Strategies that have helped families balance the juggling act of dual careers Define the situation and accept that there will be stress involved. Establish priorities between the needs of the family and the needs of the career. Compartmentalize work and family roles. Have your mind on work while you are work and have your mind on your family when you are at home. Leave the work at work. Compromise careers in order to maintain necessary family quality. Reorganize the family schedule and delegate responsibilities.

Get Organized. Have a schedule and stick to it. Strengthen the marriage. A strong happy marriage relationship is the major source of strength and success in making a dual career family work. Buy time to relieve the workload at home. Time saving devices like microwaves or hired help like housecleaners and child care. Establish friendships with couples like yourself. Form a support system with other dual working couples who have similar pressures, limitations, concerns, and needs. Negotiate work arrangements that fit your family.

History of Traditional families: How did traditional get to be a tradition? Before the industrial revolution in the early part of this century, men and women worked side by side. It was not until work was moved to the factories that women's work place became the home and labor was rigidly divided by sex. The division became especially strong after World War II. But currently, the number of women in the work force has dramatically increased with more than half of all married women and mothers working outside the home. The biggest increase in women moving into the work force in the last few years has been women with preschoolers and infants. 18

1. Economic Factors influencing women in the work force: Most women use their income on necessary goods and services for their families. Almost 20% of families are headed and supported by single-parent mothers. For many families where the husband is the major wage earner, the wife's earnings often raise a family above the poverty level. 19

Economic Factors The economic reasons throughout the life cycle: Young couple stage: to save for buying a home and starting a family. Young children stage: to help make house and car payments. Older children stage: to support children in college. Children fully launched: to save for retirement. 20

2. Changing Gender Roles of women in the work force Although men have traditionally found their identity through work outside the home while women found their identity through work inside the home, the pattern began to change in the 1960s with the women's movement. Many women now seek to be involved in the occupational world as an important avenue for personal fulfillment as it has always been for men.

3. Family Life Cycle Changes In early America, the difficulties of childbirth and the large number of children born to most women meant that few women lived to see all of their children fully grown. But today, women have longer lives, fewer children, and more time left over from raising children to work. For those women who choose to remain home while their children are young, there remains an average of 25 years for employment outside the home.

Main problems encountered by two-income families COMPETING DEMANDS OF CAREER AND FAMILY LIFE. Many dual-career couples have not had family role models to help them know how to manage careers and families together, so their expectations may not be very realistic. There is less time to spend with children and often even less time with the spouse.

Main problems encountered by two-income families WORKING WOMEN OFTEN SUFFER FROM HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, HEADACHES, TENSION, AND DEPRESSION CAUSED BY STRESS. However, it is not the question of whether or not they work that determines the amount of stress, but whether they enjoy the work and what kind of support they get from their husbands.

Other conflicts may include Work hours may be opposite each other, not allowing the couple to see each other very often. Shift work causes multiple problems with transportation and arranging for child care. If one person has a higher paying or more prestigious job, there may be jealousy from the other partner. One parent may feel ownership for specific roles. Dual-working couples may feel threatened in these areas.

Sexual Adjustment in Marriage Marital Adjustments 26

Importance of Sex in Marriage Sexual intimacy gives couples a level of closeness and loving intimacy they may not reach any other way. For the most part, the quality of a marriage is reflected in the quality of the sexual relationship. Although there is a strong relationship between the sexual side of a marriage and the overall happiness of the marriage, sex is not the most important thing in marriage. However, sexual frustration makes sympathetic understanding difficult.

Variety of Needs One partner usually has a stronger sex drive than the other Desired frequency may be different for men than for women Social conditioning affects the sex drive Early in marriage, men may feel uncertainty, awkwardness, excessive sexual tension One partner may feel that sex is appropriate anytime once they are married, while the other partner may have a list of inappropriate times

SEX IS COMMUNICATION Unexpressed resentment in any part of a marriage often shows up in the sexual relationship. The best solution is to express feelings to each other as quickly as problems arise. Do not let problems build walls between you and your partner

SUCCESSFUL ADJUSTMENT Men and women are not the same in what they find pleasurable. Since no one can read minds, if one wants to be understood, it is his/her responsibility to communicate with his/her partner. Compromise and negotiation are usually needed. Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a caring, enduring relationship. Affection, respect, and trust are the most important parts of a good sexual relationship

Some reasons newly married couples may find it difficult to enjoy sex after marriage The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to be uncomfortable for a short period of time. The couple has different ideas on what romance is and the effect it has on their intimate relationships. The couple is uncomfortable talking about sexuality and assume that the other person is equipped with mind-reading abilities and knows what the other one likes or wants.

. The transition from abstinence to activity may be eased by: 1. Seeing physicians and have complete physicals before marriage. 2. Discussing intimacy with your parents, religious leaders, or a counselor. 3. Know your religious beliefs concerning intimacy. 4. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and expectations.

Summary Your sexual relationship is just like other relationships—sometimes it will be good and sometimes it will be bad. The key to success is good communication and a desire to resolve problems. If you and your spouse are unable to resolve problems on your own, it may be appropriate to seek a good marriage counselor. Discussing private details of your marriage with parents, family, or friends can cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your spouse.

Summary… The key to a happy and healthy intimate relationship in marriage is open and honest communication that focuses on the good and assists the relationship to move forward into a more positive situation for both partners.

Marriage Roles Title page / Day four 35

“Equalitarian and Traditional” Being an equalitarian couple does not mean that the couple does everything together or at the same time. The equalitarian philosophy means that the division of labor is equal but is not necessarily traditional. TRADITIONAL For many years, roles in marriage were defined as “masculine” or “feminine”. That division of labor is what we will call traditional. In today’s society this means that the division of labor is most often NOT equal. 36

Couple “O” Susan and Mike had been married for nearly 45 years. They were proud to have been married that long. They never really talked about who did what; that was just understood. Susan did all the cooking and cleaning, unless they were in the canyon, and then Mike took over. He made a delicious stew and Dutch oven cooking had become his specialty. The children loved their dad's Dutch oven potatoes. The children had been mostly Susan's responsibility. Mike had not done much with babies except beam when he announced, "Wow, we have got us another son. Think we will name this one after my brother, Jason." It was not until Jason Jr. turned about six that Mike's fathering really began. Now Jason Jr. could play all those games that Mike had always dreamed of playing with his son. They would play catch and wrestle on the lawn. Mike took care of the cars and all the bills. In fact, Susan had never put gas in the car or paid one bill in all those years. Mike always bought her flowers on Mother's Day and Susan always made fresh apple pie on Father's Day.

Couple “18” Ryan and Monica have been married seven years and have three children. Jamie is five, Kevin is three, and Amy is one and a half years-old. Monica is an accountant and Ryan is an advertising agent. At the end of a long day there is no therapy like kids to take your mind off your work. Ryan and Monica decided before they got married that they would both work. They always knew they wanted children but they were not quite prepared for the changes three little ones brought into their lives. Monica had to reserve all of her sick leave to use when Amy was born in case her short maternity leave was not enough. This meant that Ryan was usually the one to stay home when Jamie or Kevin got sick. However, he really did not mind—he enjoyed his kids and spent lots of time with them. Ryan spent most evenings giving baths to the children and straightening the house. Every other night was his night to fix dinner and he often included Jamie in the planning and preparation to give Monica more time with the two little ones. Monica often joked about how good he was at doing the laundry or changing the baby's diaper. "I sure married a wonderful wife," she teased.

Discussion of Case Studies: How do you think these two couples would rank on the Jacobson Marital Roles Scale? Couple O Extremely Traditional Couple 18 Extremely Equalitarian Do you think these couples could have happy marriages? Do you see any advantages or disadvantages in these two marriages?

Is the Division of Roles More Equal Today? At the University of California, Berkley, a study found that the women in senior class had clear-cut expectations for the future. 80% thought a career was very important 97% expected to be marry Most expected to interrupt their careers for a few years to have children What they did not seem to have thought out or discussed with boyfriends was how they would divide the work at home.

What men think on this subject 13% male seniors expected to be the one who would miss an important meeting at work for a sick child. Only, 38% expected to share laundry work equally, while 38% expected to share cooking. Twice as many women senior expected the man they married to share responsibilities.

Another study done by Berkeley studied 50 couples in their late 20’s and early 30’s. There finds included: Husbands did 1/3 of the household chores, working wives did 2/3 of all the daily jobs. Men have more control over when they make their contributions. (example, women make dinner, men change the oil; dinner needs to be made every night, where as the oil only needs to be changed every 6 months).

Discussion Questions Do you think roles and responsibilities are divided equally in today’s marriages? Do you think a wife should be able to work if she wants to? What might happen in a marriage between an extremely egalitarian female and an extremely traditional male? What happens to family roles when a traditional wife begins to work full-time?

Discussion Questions What might happen in a marriage where the opposite is true? What marital roles do you see in the marriage of your family and friends? Do you think they see their marriage in the same way you do or do they sometimes have a distorted view?

Angela and Justin had been married for two years Angela and Justin had been married for two years. They both worked full-time and owned their home. They had settled into a regular routine each night. Justin loved to cook and Angela was grateful because she was never really very good at it. Each night Justin would fix dinner while Angela started a batch of wash and then went outside to work in the yard. The out-of-doors was her haven. Pulling weeds, watering, edging and mowing the lawn, and picking fruit from their trees were things she really enjoyed. After supper Justin cleaned up the kitchen while Angela vacuumed and straightened the house. Then they both folded laundry while watching a favorite TV show.

-How do you think this couple decided who would do the different jobs? -Is this marriage equalitarian or traditional? -How do you think this couple decided who would do the different jobs? -How do you feel about dividing roles in this manner rather than in the traditional masculine/feminine manner? -Is there anything wrong with dividing roles this way? -Do you think Justin and Angela had to compromise and do jobs they did not like? -Do you know young couples today who have a very traditional marriage role division? -Do you think egalitarian or traditional marriages are stronger? -Which do you think will last the longer?

“Roles in a Relationship” What does your future mate feel about roles? Why is it important to know before marriage?

The Good Wife’s Guide

History of Women’s Roles 1700-1800 Men: Income, Farming,Craftsmen Support and defend family, Strong Independent Self Reliant Women: Have and Care for children and husband Running a Household under supervision of husband Children:Male: Farm and Provide, School and Careers Female: Household chores. Minimal Education 1837 Higher ed Available to girls limited basis

1800-1900 Men:New Careers, Westward Movement, Breadwinners, Assertive, aggressive domineering Government Women: Homemaker, More physical and emotional strength, courage, adventure. Work together to develop west. First time to acknowledge equal rights Some working women in factories, sewing etc. Children:Learn roles from parents, help with expansion                                                                                         

1900-1930 Men work outside the home in businesses and trades etc. Women vote. Slowly move into work force, Nursing, Teaching, Secretarial Children: Learn Roles from parents

Great Depression1930’s More men did work at home, slowly because of unemployment Women:Survival on limited income Children:Learn roles from Parents

1940’s WW II Children: Some more independent as mothers away at work. More Men in Military More Women in outside work, run the country, Many stayed in jobs after war Children: Some more independent as mothers away at work.

1960-1970-s 1960-s Feminist Movement 1963 Equal Pay act More women work outside of the house, Medicine and Politics, Allowed to join armed services.

1980-Today 1980 ERA Not Passed More professional women Pre School, Child Care, Nanny, Job Sharing Etc Some more men “House husbands” Highest growth of working women is with young children