Instructor: Brian Kevin

 Reflect on your experience outlining and drafting your final project essay.  What have you learned about your topic so far? What have you learned about yourself and your writing process?  What questions do you have about anything in units 1-6?

 After drafting comes revision.  But before you revise, it’s good to put your draft aside for a few days.  It’s also good to get feedback from as many people as possible, including friends, family members or co-workers, as well as your classmates.  You will give and receive peer review feedback this week in the DB.

 Peer-review is a process by which someone other than the writer reads a draft and offers helpful constructive advice on issues that the writer needs to work on.  You don’t need to be a writing expert to do this. You just need to respond honestly and helpfully.  It helps to read the paper and to imagine that you are the audience. Think about how you would react if you were someone with the problem the writer is addressing. Think about what is helpful in the paper, along with what information you might still need from this writer, in order for the paper to truly accomplish its goal.

 …avoid “agreeing.” Nothing is less useful than a comment that basically just says, “I agree. Great job.”  … are specific-don’t just say “add more” or “clarify.” Instead, indicate what specifically what you think would make the draft better and how the writer might do that.  …offer specific advice for improvement, rather than simply telling what is “wrong.”  … are honest. It may seem difficult to tell a writer that he or she needs to work on an issue, but EVERY draft could use improvement. If you can offer help and show one or two things that the writer can work on, you will help the writer very much.  … don’t worry much about grammar and punctuation issues. The writer is still focusing on thesis, development, research, and organization.

 Read the following sample student essay draft. Take notes as you do of things you think are effective and things you think need work. Then we will talk about the paper as a group.

Obesity is a growing problem in America and according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention more than one-third of adults and one sixth of children in America are obese, and it increases every year (Rose, 2011). Obesity starts with childhood. Learning the difference between what’s healthy and what’s not is very important for children. Teaching kids at an early age that what you put in your body is important and making sure that kids can feel good about making the right choices about food. It is becoming more and more normal to go through the drive-through and pick up a quick dinner. It is very convenient. This shows children that it’s ok to do so, and they will continue this behavior as they get older. Parents have to stop taking the easy way out and start teaching their children how to eat healthy. There are lots of programs that will help you teach your children and yourself how to eat healthy. There are a lot of schools in America that now have a healthier menu due to the ongoing problem of obesity. Getting kids on the right track will show them that as they get older it’s very important to keep your body healthy and fit. Obesity in America

Furthermore, there are a lot of reasons why people feel the need to overeat. Some people feel lonely, stressed, depressed; boredom or they eat because it creates a comfort for them. There are many other reasons why people overeat, and once you determine the cause of your overeating then it’s safe to set a plan in action with a life coach or a professional to get back on the right track of getting healthy. Next, finding a nutritionist or a dietitian is a great way to take control of your body. They will make a custom diet or eating plan to fit any lifestyle. A nutritionist or dietitian will get someone on an eating plan that will work for your body the best and they will assist in showing how to prepare and work it into an everyday life and schedule. Not only will they do all that but they will guiding along the way and continue to inspire to make this a daily habit (Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2011).

In addition, there are many statewide programs that are specifically for obesity, as well as professionals that can help along the way. Talking with a life coach or a nutritionist could help in making a plan to change overeating eating into healthy eating. Obesity can cause serious life time diseases and illnesses. Type 2 diabetes is commonly diagnosed because of being overweight or obese. Heart disease is a leading factor in a person that is obese and heart disease can lead to heart attack, congestive heart failure, sudden cardiac death, angina, and abnormal heart rhythm (Endocrine Society, 2012). Obesity can be a result of many different issues including an energy imbalance, eating too many calories and not getting enough physical activity (Center for Disease Control, 2011). Making sure that the correct amount of physical activity is very important in keeping a healthy body. Exercise can put anyone in a better mood and even help with sleeping better. Exercise is also known to keep your mind healthy warding off depression and increasing your self-esteem. Your body needs to burn off the calories that it intakes each day. A lot of people do not do enough activity throughout the day to burn off the calories they eat and this will lead to obesity (Why Is Exercise Important for the Human Body, 2011).

In conclusion, the goal is to stop the increase of obesity and start living a healthier lifestyle. Making better choices that will allow us to live healthier and feel better about ourselves, inspiring others as we go. Making sure everyone understands just how important it is to take care of your body from an early age. Allowing the world to see just how serious obesity is will hopefully get people moving in the right direction to take action. Motivation is a key element to getting the message across about how serious obesity really is. The more we can work together and help each other with this ongoing issue, the better off the world will be. Getting control of obesity before it gets control of us will benefit not only yourself but your future and your influence on others. We can show other people that it’s easy and fun to be healthy and stay fit while eating right.

References Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2011). Dietitians and Nutritionists. Retrieved from Rose, C. (2011) Obesity in America. Retrieved from Endocrine Society. (2012). Obesity-Related Diseases. Retrieved from cfm. Center for Disease Control. (2011). Overweight and Obesity. Retrieved from Branch, S. (2011). Why Is Exercise Important for the Human Body - retrieved from exercise-important-for-the-human-body.

 Begin by telling the author what you think is effective here.  Then, focus on 2-3 issues the writer could focus on in revision to make it stronger: Does the writer have a clear audience and thesis? Can you tell in the first paragraph what the whole paper is going to be about? Does the writer explain the problem that s/he’s trying to address? Do you see what needs “fixing” here? Does the writer give enough examples/info from research? Are they relying too much on so-called “common knowledge?” Does the writer demonstrate a recommendation/solution and convince you it will work?

 What are some ways the writer could make these areas stronger? What would you need to see if you were the audience?  How would you say this to the writer, but without sounding too harsh or without hurting the writer’s feelings? How can this advice be presented in a constructive helpful way?

 What do you do with a peer-review that you receive on your paper?  Should you “listen” and incorporate all advice?  What if two people offer different or conflicting advice?

 Remember that your grammar post-test is coming up in Unit 8. Be sure that you review the Writing Center material on issues covered in the test that gave you trouble the first time around.  Do you have questions about your rough draft?