August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Support from family, friends and care providers is essential. Being effectively supported will help you feel better. You will benefit from having at least five good friends or supporters you can call on when you need or want:  Someone to talk to  Companionship  To have a good time  Help in figuring things out and making decisions  Someone to take over for you and keep you safe when you can’t do it for yourself

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT  Care about you  Empathize with you  Affirm and validate you and your experience  Accept you as you are  Listen to you and share with you  Advocate for you  Enjoy sharing fun and interesting activities with you  Can make decisions and take action for you when you can’t do this for yourself  Are willing to follow your predetermined plans

The most valuable thing a supporter can do for you (or you can do for them) is to A good supporter knows that unasked for advice, criticism and judgments won’t help and will probably make the other person feel worse!

To change this you may need to make some changes in the way you feel and the way you do things.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT One reason that you may feel isolated and lonely is low self-esteem. This may make you feel that others won't like you. It can affect your ability to make and keep friends. You can work on raising your self-esteem by understanding that you are a wonderful, unique, very special person who has a great deal of value. In this program there are sections on self- esteem and changing negative thoughts about yourself to positive ones. There are sections suggesting activities to help you to feel better about yourself. Self-help books, counseling, peer counseling, support groups, using a Wellness Recovery Action Plan and taking steps toward your goals are also recommended.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Another reason that you may feel isolated and lonely is because others choose to stay away from you because they feel that you are unreliable and unpredictable. They are more likely to remain supportive if you are taking good care of yourself and doing those things you know you need to do to keep yourself well.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT If you sometimes behave in ways that are uncomfortable or embarrassing to others, they may choose to stay away from you, worsening your feelings of loneliness. You may want to take a risk and ask your supporters if they notice things you do that may be “turning off” possible supporters. Then you can work on doing things differently. Counseling, peer counseling and self- help books can help you change your habits so that others will be more comfortable spending time with you.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT You may feel isolated and lonely because others feel that you are too needy and dependent. This could be “wearing them down” or making them feel overwhelmed. It may be keeping them from doing the things they want to do. They may decide to stay away from you. It really hurts when this happens. It will help if you have several friends, rather than just one or two people you depend on. Then avoid asking too much of any one person, taking up too much of their time, calling them too often or insisting they spend time with you. Respect their “boundaries”. If you have five supporters, no one gets worn out. Be sure you are supportive of your friends and supporters, giving them plenty of your help, time and attention. Be there for them as much as they are there for you.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Become an active member of a support group. Support groups provide an opportunity to be with people who have similar problems—people who understand and can be mutually supportive. They are a wonderful place to make new and lasting friendships. They counteract social isolation.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT The most common ones are:  No criticism or judging  Sharing is optional. It is neither encouraged or discouraged  What a person talks about is not limited in any way  Everything discussed and who attends the meetings is strictly confidential  Attendance is optional  Groups often develop other rules that help people in the group feel comfortable and safe

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Participate in community activities, special interest groups or church groups. The hardest part is going the first time. Give yourself a “pat on the back” or some reward for getting there. If you see the same person several times, you might suggest an activity of interest to both of you. If you enjoy being with this person, and they are willing, you could get together again. It may become a friendship. Check your newspaper and listen to the radio for announcements of activities and events which interest you.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Volunteer! 3. Volunteer! Find a worthy organization that needs help and lend a hand. It’s an excellent way to meet new people while doing something nice for someone else—and building your self- esteem. Many communities have an organization that coordinates volunteer opportunities.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Keep in touch with friends and acquaintances. Get together for fun activities—like movies, walks and ball games. Make regular phone calls, send notes and cards. Help them out whenever you can. Always have a time scheduled for your next “get together.”

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Make mutual support a high priority! 5. Make mutual support a high priority! Be there for others as much as they are there for you. If your supporters are not asking as much of you as you are asking of them, treat them to lunch or some other fun activity, or do them a needed favor.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Make a commitment to establish and keep regular contact with members of your support team, even when things are going well.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Everyone wants understanding, communication, listening, encouragement, love, concern, patience, availability and attention from family members. Some family members may be able to provide support while others cannot. You may be able to improve your relationships with family members by:  Being supportive of them  Encouraging open discussion of family problems and issues  Planning activities and get-togethers with family members, sharing good times as well as bad  Holding family meetings to discuss the kind of support you would like from family members. See how they feel about giving you the kind of support you feel you need. Perhaps there are some things they would be willing to do and some things they would prefer not to.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Most people want care providers who:  Emphasize self-care and personal responsibility  Are willing to explore and try new approaches and use less invasive options  Are willing to use a team approach  Consider individual needs and preferences  Have good listening and communication skills

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT And who:  Care about you and have compassion for you  Accept you as you are  Are friendly, positive, respectful and supportive  Understand you and encourage you  Are willing to admit and remedy mistakes  Are firm and protective when necessary  Are available and have back-up service  Are up-to-date

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT  Educate yourself  Ask health care organizations, friends, and current care providers for referrals  Interview providers before making long term commitments  Explore a variety of approaches, including safe, less invasive options This is a very personal task. Don't get talked into working with someone you're not comfortable with.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Your team of care Providers might include: Providers might include: medical doctors psychiatrists Psycho pharmacologists allergists endocrinologists pharmacists therapists counselors social workers osteopaths chiropractors naturopaths homeopathic physicians movement, art, occupational or massage therapists Cost and health care plans can limit your choices. We need to work together for health care reform.

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Do:  Take good care of yourself  Make sure you have plenty of support  Listen, but be realistic about the time you have available  Be supportive, whether or not the person you are supporting is able to take your advice

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Don’t:  Try to rescue us  Do things for us that we can easily do  Assume you know what we want or need. Ask us!  Avoid telling us about some- thing because you assume we won't be able to handle it  Do for us things that you don't really want to do  Overwhelm us with comments, ideas, and suggestions  Allow yourself to be abused

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT  Low/high functioning  Decompensation manipulation  Compliance/non-compliance  Denial, as in “You are in denial”  Control  Deviant  Crazy  Lunatic  Maniac  Psycho  Demented  Nuts....

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT “You are the most depressed person I ever saw!” “Oh, we all get depressed.” “Why are you depressed?” “You don't have anything to be depressed about!” “But you are so competent. How can you put yourself in a position of such powerlessness?” “Maybe there's someone you haven't forgiven or a sin you haven't confessed.” “You should just take a vacation – get away from it all.” “Just go take a hot bath and you'll feel better!” “I don't believe in suicide. It's a cowardly act.” “What's the matter? Isn't your life exciting enough?” “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get going!”

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT “I’m sorry you are having such a hard time.” “What can I do to help?” “Tell me how you feel.” “I’m here to listen.” “I care about you. I love you.” “You are very special to me. Please get well.” “You will feel better. You will get well.”

August, 2002 Developed by Mary Ellen Copeland PO Box 301, West Dummerston, VT Make lists of your supporters with their phone numbers. Keep them in convenient places where you can easily find them.