Dating Violence & Abusive Relationships

Restraining Orders Court and Legal Help How Cornerstone Helps

What People Need Emergency Shelter & Long-Term Housing One-to-One Counseling & Support Groups & Support Groups

What Does an Abusive Person Look Like?

RESOURCES One out of four teenagers will experience abuse in his/her dating relationship by the age of 18. U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2002 Dating-Domestic Violence affects the same number of people regardless of race, class, gender, religion, sexual orientation,etc… * 36% of teens reported violence in their relationship. * Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States - more than rapes, muggings, and automobile accidents combines. (Surgeon General, United States, 1992) TEEN SERVICES Cornerstone serves South Hennepin: Bloomington, Richfield, Eden Prairie, St. Louis Park, and Edina. Tubman Family Alliance serves Minneapolis Alexandra House serves Anoka County

Using Emotional Abuse Continually puts you down and calls you names Accuses you of saying and doing things you haven’t done Makes you feel crazy Constantly manipulates conversations Feels like you’re always wrong

Economic Abuse Continually looks to you for money Makes you depend on them for money Takes money from you Prevents you from getting or keeping a job You owe your partner for every gift given

Sexual Abuse Dictates and controls what you wear Criticizes and jokes about your body Manipulates situations so you’re afraid to say no Attacks sexual parts of your body Rape

Using Threats You’re scared the abuser might spread rumors about you or destroy your reputation Abuser threatens to hurt him or herself (suicide) if you end the relationship Abuser threatens to ruin any future relationships He or she may threaten to destroy property

Using Double Standards Abuser can go out but you can’t Partner’s mood guides how the night will go Makes all the decisions and decides what’s best for you Who you are and how you act often changes when abuser is around

Using Intimidation Threatening and harassing phone calls, text messages, or s Uses physical presence to scare you Purposely destroys something that means a lot to you Gives you “that look” Has tantrums

Denying, Minimizing & Blaming Manipulates with past issues Think abusive incidents are no big deal Denies any problems Blames all arguments and problems on you Takes no responsibility for actions

Using Isolation You feel like you have to check in with abuser Disapproves of your friends and family You feel like you can’t have friends the same sex as your partner You may often give in to end or avoid arguments Always wants to know who you are with and who you talk to

Power & Control Emotional Abuse Economic Abuse Sexual Abuse Using Threats Double Standards Using Intimidation Deny, Minimize & Blame Using Isolation

The Cycle of Violence

DO’s for Helping an Abused Person Ask respectful questions that let your friend know you have suspicions. Listen and believe what they say without judgment or shock. Recognize that your friend may minimize or deny what is going on. Challenge the abusive behavior. Connect your friend with knowledgeable adults or community resources. Be there. Be patient. Support his or her strengths. Having a supportive person right now is important.

DON’T’s for Helping an Abused Person Don’t give advice Don’t be judgmental Don’t blame the abused person Don’t deny or minimize the abused person’s feelings Don’t become confrontational towards the victim

Ideas for Helping Someone in an Abusive Relationship Ask respectful questions and be sensitive to the severity of the situation. Listen and believe what they say without judgment. Be prepared for the person to rationalize or minimize the abuser’s behavior. Be patient. The abuser’s actions can create a sense of shame and embarrassment for the victim. Remember many people want the abuse to end, not necessarily the relationship.

The DON’Ts of Helping an Abusive Person DON’T condone the abuse -Abusers will often try to get others to understand their actions. DON’T get stuck in the middle -Watch getting caught up as a go-between for the couple. DON’T encourage or laugh at the abuse -Publicly abusers may tell degrading jokes, spread rumors, or use nasty names that provides justification for their actions in private.

The Do’s of Helping an Abusive Person DO talk to the abuser –if you feel safe DO listen and be there for them DO encourage them to be honest DO help them clarify their actions DO encourage them to talk to a counselor DO help them understand their actions and choices

“Causes” of Violence Model Direct Model Socialization Operant Conditioning

What Does Not Cause Violence VictimRelationshipFamilyFriends Chemical Use PsychopathologicalBiological

Two Personality Types Calculated Abusers Proactive Aggressors Reactionary Hotheads Provocative Victims

Common Behaviors of Abusers “Jekyl and Hyde” personality Charm is powerful tool and used to manipulate Minimizes & rationalizes abusive behavior Blames everything and everyone for their behavior – very little accountability Uses jealousy to justify actions Violence increases if victim asserts independence

IF YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO SMALL TO HAVE AN IMPACT, TRY GOING TO BED WITH A MOSQUITO IN THE ROOM. --Anita Koddick IF YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO SMALL TO HAVE AN IMPACT, TRY GOING TO BED WITH A MOSQUITO IN THE ROOM. --Anita Koddick