Improving Communication Climates Types of confirming messages zrecognition zacknowledgment zendorsement

Disconfirming communication zLack of regard zDisputing zDisagreement zIgnoring

How climates develop zBoth verbal and nonverbal zAfter climate has formed it can grow into a spiral (either positive or negative) zWe tend to respond to the preceding statement in “like” zEscalatory Conflict Spirals- disconfirming messages reinforce one another

zDe-escalatory conflict spirals- can also be destructive. The parties slowly lessen their dependence on one another and withdraw and become less invested. zSpirals can go through cycles of progression and regression.

Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies zWhen others confront us with face- threatening acts (messages that challenge the image we want to project), we may become defensive. “Saving Face” zWe feel the most defensive when the criticism is on target zWe have a need for approval, and also need to protect our self image.

Types of Defensive Reactions Cognitive dissonance- inconsistency between two conflicting pieces of information. Is is uncomfortable, so communicators strive to resolve it by seeking consistency. Can change presenting self or use a defense mechanism

Defense Mechanisms zAttack the critic: -verbal aggression -sarcasm zDistorting Critical Information: -rationalization-invention of logical but untrue explanations of behavior that is unacceptable to self.

-Compensation-emphasize a strength in one area to cover a weakness in another. -Regression-play helpless. I “can’t” instead of “I won’t”

Avoiding Dissonant Information zPhysical avoidance zRepression-mentally block out dissonant information (changing the subject, acting as if you don’t understand, and pretending not to hear) zApathy- pretending that you don’t care about it

zDisplacement- vent aggressive feelings to something else. Gives the illusion that we have control and can’t be pushed around.

Preventing Defensiveness zCompetent communicators protect others’ face by supporting his or her presenting self zYou express dissatisfaction on a content level, but on a relational level, you say that you value them.

Gibbs Catagories zEvaluation vs. Description. Focus on speaker’s thoughts and feelings instead of judging. Express in “I” language with descriptors. Have to deliver with good timing and tone of voice

zControl vs. Problem Orientation: Focus is one finding a solution that satisfies needs of both parties. “Win/win” zStrategy vs. Spontaneity. Strategy is a type of manipulation with an ulterior motive. Spontaneity is more candid and honest communication.

zNeutrality vs. Empathy. Neutrality is more indifferent. Empathy shows concern for the feelings of the other party. Nonverbal is often more important than verbal. zSuperiority vs. Equality. Need to convey that although you may have more talent, etc. in a certain area, others have just as much worth.

zCertainty vs. Provisionalism. Communicators who regard their own opinions with certainty vs. those who are willing to acknowledge that they are open to other ideas.

Responding Nondefensively to Criticism zSeek more information - Ask for specifics (be sure you can hear it) - Guess about specifics (if the person criticizing won’t give specific examples) -Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas -Ask what the critic wants -Ask about the consequences of your behavior

-Ask what else is wrong -Agree with the critic - agree with the facts - agree with the critic’s perception

Managing Interpersonal Conflict zConflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

Expressed struggle zCan only exist when both parties are aware of a disagreement. It can be expressed verbally or nonverbally.

Perceived incompatible goals zDon’t see solutions- perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive.

Perceived scarce rewards zPeople believe that there isn’t enough to go around

interdependence zThe welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of the other

Interference from the other party zConflict won’t occur until the participants act in ways that prevent one another from reaching their goal

zConflict is natural. Every relationship has conflict. It is a fact of life. Feelings are a part of the process. zConflict can be beneficial. Happy couples view disagreement as healthy and recognize that conflicts need to be faced. They are constructive in solving it.

Personal Conflict Styles zNonassertive- inability or unwillingness to express thoughts or feelings in a conflict. Avoidance or accommodation. Can be useful- “choose battles carefully” or to help the other person.

Direct Aggression zCharacter attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, wishing the other ill fortune, teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, and nonverbal emblems. Significant connection between verbal aggression and physical aggression. Sets up destructive spiral.

Passive Aggression zExpresses hostility in obscure way. “Crazymaking”.

Indirect Communication zConveys message in roundabout way in order to save face for the recipient. Give “hint”. Most common way by which people make requests.

Assertion zMessage expresses the speaker’s needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly without judging or dictating to others.

Which style? zConsider: the relationship the situation the other person your goals

Assertion without Aggression zGive an objective behavioral description and your interpretation of it zExpress your feeling about it zTell what the consequence is. -what happens to you -what happens to the person you are addressing -what happens to others

zIntention z-where you stand on the issue z-requests of others z-descriptions of how you plan to act in the future

Using the clear message format zThe elements can be delivered in any order zword the message to suit your personal style zcombine two elements in a single phrase (if appropriate)

Conflict in Relational Systems zComplementary Conflict Style- fight/flight zSymmetrical zParallel (shift between the two)

Intimate/Aggressive styles zNonintimate-Aggressive. Fight, but are unsuccessful at satisfying important content and relational goals. zNonintimate-Nonaggressive. Avoid conflict and one another. zIntimate-Aggressive. Argue, but make up intensely. zIntimate-Nonaggressive. Low attacking or blaming, but confront.

Conflict Rituals zCan become a problem if inflexible and limiting

Variables in Conflict Styles Gender: zAs children, girls use more “let’s”, “why don’t we..”, etc. Boys are more demanding and direct. zWomen- less assertive. Both genders are less tolerant of assertive behavior from a woman.

zFemale students described men as being concerned with power and were more interested in content than relational issues. zIn actual conflict, women are more assertive than men about expressing their ideas and feelings, and men are more likely to withdraw from discussing issues.

zMen don’t see friendship and aggression as mutually exclusive. Many strong male relationships are built around competition. zDifferences are actually very small. More important is the nature of the relationship and the personal conflict styles.

Culture zOrientation towards individualism or collectivism. Individualistic cultures (like U.S.) the goals, rights, and need of each person are considered important. Collectivist cultures (Latin America or Asian) consider the concerns of the group to be more important than those of the individual.

zAssertiveness- zLow context (such as U.S. and Europeans) place a premium on being direct and literal. zHigh context (such as Japan) like to avoid confrontation and value self-restraint. Preserving and honoring the face of the other person are a prime goal. Indirect communication is norm.

zAlso consider ethnic background, biological makeup, self-concept, environment, parental conflict style, “culture of the situation”

Methods of Conflict Resolution zWIN/Lose one party gets what he or she wants, whereas the other doesn’t. Power is distinguishing characteristic. Justified when the other person insists on trying to defeat you, or when the other person is doing something wrong.

zLose/Lose Neither side is satisfied with the outcome. Fairly common way to handle conflict. zCompromise Gives both parties some of what they wanted, though both sacrifice part of their goals. zWin/win Find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved.

Win-Win Communication Skills zStep 1 Identify Your Problem and Unmet Needs zStep 2 Make a date. zStep 3 Describe your problem and needs. Use the clear message format.

zStep 4 Consider Your Partner’s Point of View. Find out what your partner needs to feel satisfied about the issue. zStep 5 Negotiate a solution. Develop as many potential solutions as possible and evaluate them to decide which one best meets everyone’s needs.

zStep 6 Follow up the solution. Go back and evaluate the effectiveness and make changes as necessary.

Constructive Conflict zQuestions for discussion Too good to be true? Isn’t it too elaborate? Isn’t it too rational? Is it possible to change others?