I NTERPERSONAL S KILLS Assertion Assertive People are Reasonable and Direct

P REVIEW  This chapter will take a step by step process to explore, identify, understand, learn, and apply and model three emotional intelligence (EI) skills:  Assertion  Anger Management  Anxiety Management 2

A SSERTION  Defined-the ability to clearly and honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings to others in a straightforwardness and direct manner.  Key Notes  respect the rights of others  express your thoughts and feelings  be constructive with your comments  treat others as you want to be treated

U NDERSTANDING  Three ways to respond (communication continuum):  deference-response is hurtful to you, and the person never understands your true thoughts or feelings  assertion-skill area; communication skill is essential to communicate, especially under most stressful situations  aggression-response is hurtful to the party you are communicating to

L EARNING  Three parts to an assertive message:  try to use the first-person singular pronoun; I  makes the message genuine  describes the event or situation that is connected to the thought or feeling  informs the person receiving the message what you are addressing  tells the person what you want to happen versus the current situation  don’t leave it open to interpretation  Remember it is okay to, “agree to disagree”

L EARNING ( CONT ’ D )  When the pressure and stress increase and a situation is vital to you, communication is more difficult  therefore, the level of skill required to communicate is higher  Learning to skillfully deal with the following emotionally intelligent behaviors will allow you to fully develop the EI skill of assertion:  cognitive focus: learning how and when to say what you really think and feel  emotional focus: learning how to feel better when communicating with others  action focus: choosing how you communicate when under stress

A PPLY AND M ODEL  Wisdom unites knowledge and behavior, and assertion is a key skill  Being able to communicate assertively may take some work and practice, because this may be a new way for you to interact with others

A GGRESSION AND D EFERENCE  It is imperative to manage your strong negative emotions; anger, fear, etc.  Being angry is easy, nevertheless keeping that anger in control (right person, right degree, right time, right purpose, and right way) is challenging  Knowing certain circumstances that could make you vulnerable to managing negative emotions is vital

R EFLECTIVE T HINKING AND E MOTIONAL E XPRESSION  Our initial reaction (quick responses) to an event may make a response negative  Essential to be thoughtful and skilled with your response  There is a series of interrelated sequences to an emotional experience:  the perception of an event  the automatic interpretation of the event  the interpretation of your response, and  the specific emotional outcomes of anger, fear, sadness, or joy

A NGER M ANAGEMENT  Defined-the ability to express anger constructively in relationships to Self and other.  Key Notes  aggression violates, overpowers, dominates, or discredits another person  aggression negatively affects relationships

U NDERSTANDING  Anger is a normal human emotion, and everyone experiences it  Proper identification of the anger is fundamental before you can constructively express the emotion  Not controlling you anger will shorten your life and damages its quality, and damage relationships  Exercising a choice over how you want to express anger, your life will improve and benefits will be recognized both psychologically and physically

L EARNING  Learning to control and express anger is one of the most important skills you can learn and practice in your daily life  Identifying emotions accurately is the first step in controlling anger  To do so, you must differentiate between a thought, a feeling, and a behavior  frustrations and jealousy are thoughts  psychological abuse and violence are behaviors  anger is the emotion

L EARNING ( CONT ’ D )  Three intense emotions cause problems (past, present, and future):  anguish-called sadness or depression and comes from emotional thoughts of the past  anger-occurs in he present and stems from the thoughts of what is or isn’t happening  fear-is called anxiety, tension, worry, and confusion and its origin is from worrying about what bad things can happen in the future  Remember, without proper thought, each angry thing you do or say can increase and escalate the anger to rage

A PPLY AND M ODEL  It can become impossible to think or act productively if the anger we are feeling becomes extremely high or too intense  We can become part of the anger, at which time one angry behavior leads to another  Make yourself take a self imposed “Time- Out”  Provide yourself with time and permission to reflect with the problem  BE PATIENT AND PRACTICE

A NXIETY M ANAGEMENT  Defined-is the ability to manage self-imposed anxiety (fear) and effectively communicate with others  Deference is the degree to which and individual employs a communication style that is indirect, self- inhibiting, self-denying, and ineffectual for the accurate expression of thoughts, feelings, or behaviors  Reasons why people act non-assertively:  confusing firm assertion with aggression  confusing deference with politeness  mistaking deference for being helpful  failing to accept personal rights  having a deficit in skills

U NDERSTANDING  Being assertive versus deferent with your communication style will improve your self- esteem, relationships, and stress mgt  People who use deference are kind and polite people who have sensitivity (empathy) to others  Staying true to your own feelings and thoughts and maintaining your sensitivity are by-products of communicating with assertiveness

A PPLY AND M ODEL  A few methods to help you:  dealing with my fear of making an oral presentation and asking for help in preparing for it  coming to grips with my uncertainty about a major and scheduling time for career counseling  exploring my negative feelings about the class and deciding to withdraw rather than settling for a mediocre grade  developing my computer skills at the university lab instead of remaining confused about how to do an internet search  confronting my uptight exam behavior and attending a skills training seminar on managing test anxiety  think about other topics that may help you develop the assertive skill

W HEN E MOTIONS ARE N EGATIVE  The primary human emotions are:  anger-helps us fight  fear-helps us flee  sadness-helps you let go or disengage  happiness-helps us engage and enjoy the present  Remember emotions are only negative when their intensity and duration cause damage to our or another person’s life!

L EARNING A CTIVITY Reflect on a time when you were aggressive and defensive. What was the situation? How did you handle the situation? What was your communication style during the situation?