Rev. LoraKim Joyner, DVM UU Metro NY Right Relations Consultant Certified Trainer Nonviolent Communication

We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self- discipline, and effort. Jesse Owens

Turn to person next to you and share a horror story of conflict or drama in your congregation, and if possible, how the dream of living compassionately shone through in that situation.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself. Social intelligence is when you can do it with others. 4

Healthy communities and human flourishing works best when there is free expression and flow of emotion, and when we tell others how their actions impacted us. Hiding our “hurt under a bushel” is not healthy, it “will come out.”

Healthy communities work well when we do things with people, and not for them, or to them So in any conflict, we have to involve the effected parties and tell them what’s going on for us, and listen to what is going on for them We seek to change ourselves, not others

This kind of learning is implicit (not the thinking brain) Happens in the limbic brain which is a slow learner – need practice, time, repetition Skills include self confidence, EI, empathy, persuasion The greater EI we have, the smarter and more effective the group is Learning takes commitment and practice

“ Hardwired” for collaboration as well as competition

Attention to emotions/status of others results in greater care delivered more quickly in more ambiguous situations

Empathy a Prime Tool in Emotional Intelligence Produces positive emotions which result in higher commitment to organization

Judgment undermines volunteer/staff performance Blaming people makes it harder to understand issues All labels, judgments, analyses are tragic expressions of unmet needs

Medical staffs perform better in organizations that operate with a high level of social intelligence Shift from producing results to producing growth of people who produce great results

Reduces stress, burnout, and compassion fatigue Leaders who “walk the talk” have greater influence

All, and especially leaders, see their covenants, faith, and work as inviting them to work on emotional, social, and transspecies intelligence, and engage in faith development and spiritual practices

Claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else in the process Fostering self awareness and staying present among difference Being willing to change Hard work and takes practice A mindfulness practice

Translating Complaints into Needs/Values Translating Judgments into Needs/Values Translating Gratitude into Needs/Values

There are true and precious needs behind the complaints People who complain often want empathy Empathizing with those who complain nurtures relationships and fosters connection

What is the complaint? What are the needs behind the complaint? Translate the complaint into needs for others, make a guess, and then check with them. The services are so boring! Stimulation? Meaning? Learning? I’m guessing you might value meaningful experiences, is that right?

Get in groups of three Choose a common complaint Make a list of the needs behind the complaint Role play – have one person voice the complaint, and another person guess the needs Follow naturally the conversation, guessing and sharing the needs Practice empathy, not this:

What judgments are explicitly or implicitly expressed? What needs, values, or dreams are behind these judgments? How can you reframe the practices in the congregation or in the conversation?

Imagine any persons with whom you might be having judgment What might they be feeling and needing? Imagine being them. What are they thinking and feeling?

Gratitude is a choice Training the unconscious brain to see that the tally of gifts outweighs exchanges Happiness comes 50% from genes, 10% from circumstances, and 40% from intentional activity

Think of three things for which you are grateful What are the universal needs met by these things? Share this with a partner

If you want to spread compassion in your organization, demonstrate compassion. If you want to be healthy, practice compassion. Set up intentional compassionate practices in your organization.

Share the common vision and shared needs Translate complaints and judgments into needs Leaders model empathy, kindness, and compassion (it’s catching) Be honest Share gratitude and affirmations

We practice the components to shift our consciousness Meet regularly Lots of formats

Any learnings? Any aha moments? Celebrations of needs met? Mourning of needs unmet?