Week 1: Balance- What is the state of your marriage? Signs of a healthy marriage- Working towards a future together Week 2: Aerobics- Doing the hard work of fighting… and staying married Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last Week 4: Stretching- Growing (up) together- God in the middle of me- God in the middle of my marriage Week 5: Review- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some Roger & Elaine…

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some Communication is like oxygen in a marriage 1. Communicating Better

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some Studies Show: Successful & healthy marriages grow together, sharing feelings, ideas & goals; the reverse happens in unhealthy marriages- where spouses avoid conversations for fear of confrontation

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 1. Communicating Better Communication Results from Connection but Not Vice Versa Communication in love relationships is a function of emotional connection. When people feel connected, they communicate fine, and when they feel disconnected they communicate poorly, regardless of their choice of words and communication techniques.

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 1. Communicating Better Do you want to feel emotionally connected with your partner? How curious are you to learn his/her perspective? Do you care how he/she feels right now? What do you love and value about your partner? Before You Try to Communicate- Ask…

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some According to recent researches, women speak three times more than men… A woman says about 20 thousand words per day, that is 13 thousands more, than a man does. Women also speak much quicker, than men. Researchers state that inborn differences between male and female brain explain the fact that women are more talkative, than men. According to researches, the female brain contains more cells, controlling speech functions, than male. And another fact: simple speech act causes emission of hormones in a woman’s brain, giving her same sensations, which a drug addict feels after he receives a long-awaited dose. 2. How Are We Different?

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

2. How Are We Different? Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

2. How Are We Different?

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some Scientists state that the brain center, controlling man’s thoughts about sex is twice bigger. Researchers showed that while men think about sex every 52 seconds, thoughts about this visits a woman’s brain only once per day. 2. How Are We Different?

Women are more likely to talk to other women when they have a problem or need to make a decision. Men keep their problems to themselves and don’t see the point in sharing personal issues. Women are more relationship oriented, and look for commonalities and ways to connect with other women. Men tend to relate to other men on a one-up, one-down basis. Status and dominance is important. Women are more likely to talk to other women when they have a problem or need to make a decision. Men keep their problems to themselves and don’t see the point in sharing personal issues. Women are more relationship oriented, and look for commonalities and ways to connect with other women. Men tend to relate to other men on a one-up, one-down basis. Status and dominance is important. Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

Women focus on building rapport, by sharing experiences and asking questions. Men like to tell and give information rather than ask questions. They share experiences as a way of being one-up. Women get things done at work by building relationships. Men build relationships while they are working on tasks with each other. Women focus on building rapport, by sharing experiences and asking questions. Men like to tell and give information rather than ask questions. They share experiences as a way of being one-up. Women get things done at work by building relationships. Men build relationships while they are working on tasks with each other. Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

Human relationships. Women tend to communicate more effectively than men, focusing on how to create a solution that works for the group, talking through issues, and utilizes non- verbal cues such as tone, emotion, and empathy whereas men tend to be more task-oriented, less talkative, and more isolated. Left brain vs. both hemispheres. Men tend to process better in the left hemisphere of the brain while women tend to process equally well between the two hemispheres. This difference explains why men are generally stronger with left-brain activities and approach problem-solving from a task-oriented perspective while women typically solve problems more creatively and are more aware of feelings while communicating. Human relationships. Women tend to communicate more effectively than men, focusing on how to create a solution that works for the group, talking through issues, and utilizes non- verbal cues such as tone, emotion, and empathy whereas men tend to be more task-oriented, less talkative, and more isolated. Left brain vs. both hemispheres. Men tend to process better in the left hemisphere of the brain while women tend to process equally well between the two hemispheres. This difference explains why men are generally stronger with left-brain activities and approach problem-solving from a task-oriented perspective while women typically solve problems more creatively and are more aware of feelings while communicating. Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

Mathematical abilities. An area of the brain called the inferior- parietal lobe (IPL) is typically significantly larger in men, especially on the left side, than in women. This section of the brain is thought to control mental mathematical ability, and probably explains why men frequently perform higher in mathematical tasks than do women. Interestingly, this is the same area of Einstein’s brain that was discovered to be abnormally large. Reaction to stress. Men tend to have a "fight or flight" response to stress situations while women seem to approach these situations with a "tend and befriend" strategy. Mathematical abilities. An area of the brain called the inferior- parietal lobe (IPL) is typically significantly larger in men, especially on the left side, than in women. This section of the brain is thought to control mental mathematical ability, and probably explains why men frequently perform higher in mathematical tasks than do women. Interestingly, this is the same area of Einstein’s brain that was discovered to be abnormally large. Reaction to stress. Men tend to have a "fight or flight" response to stress situations while women seem to approach these situations with a "tend and befriend" strategy. Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

Language. Two sections of the brain responsible for language were found to be larger in women than in men, indicating one reason that women typically excel in language-based subjects and in language-associated thinking. Additionally, men typically only process language in their dominant hemisphere, whereas women process language in both hemispheres. Emotions. Women typically have a larger deep limbic system than men, which allows them to be more in touch with their feelings and better able to express them, which promotes bonding with others. Because of this ability to connect, more women serve as caregivers for children. Language. Two sections of the brain responsible for language were found to be larger in women than in men, indicating one reason that women typically excel in language-based subjects and in language-associated thinking. Additionally, men typically only process language in their dominant hemisphere, whereas women process language in both hemispheres. Emotions. Women typically have a larger deep limbic system than men, which allows them to be more in touch with their feelings and better able to express them, which promotes bonding with others. Because of this ability to connect, more women serve as caregivers for children. Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

“When asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible." Billy Graham Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 2. How Are We Different?

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 3. Listening Skills: Why Are We Poor Listeners? Selective Listening Too many stimuli Failure to understand Different perception of meaning of message Preoccupation, disinterest, distractions Emotional mind-reading Conflicting non-verbals Actions betray words Self-Centered Humanity- failure to turn to God to help us understand each other

3. Listening Skills: Levels of Listening “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsburger “The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsburger “The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

3. Listening Skills: Levels of Listening 10% words/30% sounds/60% body language… 80-90% is NON-VERBAL! Levels of Listening: Ignoring Ignoring Pretending Pretending Selective Selective Attentive Attentive Empathic Empathic Ignoring Ignoring Pretending Pretending Selective Selective Attentive Attentive Empathic Empathic Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

4. Talking Skills I speak because I know my needs, I speak with hesitation because I know not yours. My words come from my life’s experiences. Your understanding comes from yours. Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

The Power to Destroy (Prov. 18:21; James 3) The Power of Words to Build up (Eph. 4:29; Prov. 12:25) “I can live for 2 months on a good compliment” (Mark Twain) The Timing of Words (Prov. 18:13, 15:23) 4. Talking Skills: Words

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 4. Talking Skills: Words Communication is an art Experts believe communication can be divided into 5 levels: Level of acquaintance Sharing of information Sharing of ideas Sharing of emotions Gut level sharing

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 5. Different Languages: Love Languages “Love is not something people feel, but something people try to express no matter how they feel. ” Frank Pittman

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 5. Different Languages: Love Languages Words of Affirmation For some people hearing the words, “I love you,” is more important than the reasons behind their partners love. Genuinely meant compliments and words that affirm their commitment to you means everything. At the same time negative words can leave you drained and broken.

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 5. Different Languages: Love Languages Quality Time For you LOVE is spelled as T-I-M-E. Nothing in the world matters to you more than undivided attention of your partner. You’re day is made when your partner switches off the TV, or gets out of the kitchen, switches off their phone and spends quality time with you. Failure to do so, distractions and postponing time to be together can be very disappointing to you.

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 5. Different Languages: Love Languages Receiving Gifts Not necessary that this means that the person is materialistic. It can be a simple thoughtfully prepared greeting card. Simple everyday gestures make their day. The efforts and thoughts behind it makes them feel loved. Missing a birthday or anniversary would devastate that person.

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 5. Different Languages: Love Languages Acts of Service An act of making coffee or helping them in the kitchen can also be a language of love to some. Anything you do to help or ease their burden will be considered as great care and love. Physical Touch Not necessary that this has to be intimate bedroom actions. A person whose love language is Physical Touch may enjoy a simple hug, pat on the back, holding hands or a thoughtful touch on their arm, or face. These actions may be read as concern, care and love. Physical presence is crucial in this case. Lack of it may feel as neglect or rejection.

Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some 5. Different Languages: Love Languages Actions Speak Louder Than Words How do you identify your and your spouse’s love languages? What does your spouse do or not do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that will make you feel most loved. In what way do you most often express your love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that would also make you feel most loved.

6. Bridging the Gap: NLP Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some Visual (I See-Recall) Kinesthetic (I Feel) Auditory (I Hear) Auditory (I Hear)

6. Bridging the Gap: Listen Beyond Words Listen for what is not said Have awareness Be quiet Concentrate on hidden emotional meanings Physical gestures Facial expressions Tone of Voice Body posture Be aware of tune out words Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

Make “I” statements Make “I” statements Don’t say “always” or “never” Don’t say “always” or “never” Don’t Interrupt Don’t Interrupt Stick to the topic & the present Stick to the topic & the present Don’t try to “fix” Don’t try to “fix” Listen for sentiment & emotion Listen for sentiment & emotion Be “Jesus Safe” Be “Jesus Safe” 6. Bridging The Gap: TIPS & RULES

6. Bridging the Gap: Listen for the Love Language Listen for the love language of the other… what is it? Learn to understand the “foreign” language Appreciate the language for it’s intent Discuss the differences together Week 5: Cool Down- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

How much time do you spend together? (Do you have “Date Nite”?) How do you spend it? Can you look at your spouse & truly say he/she is your friend? Why? Why not? Communicating Better: How You Doing?