Crucial Conversations Part 4 February 4, 2010 By: Julie Christensen Kris Ewert Stacey Phelps 1

A crucial conversation is Discussion between 2 or more people where; 1. Stakes are _____. 2. ________ run strong. 3. Opinions ____. 2

________is “The free flow of meaning between two or more people.” The key to establishing a dialogue is to have a ______ __ _______. A shared pool of meaning is accomplished by a person making it ____ for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool for the topic being discussed. 3

Start with the Heart Learn to Look Make it Safe Master My Stories 4

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Start With the Heart 1. Focus on what you really want for self, others, and the relationship. 2. How would you behave to get what you want? Learn to Look 1. Look for content and conditions a. what and why b. dual-process 2. Look for safety problems a. fear and anger b. be curious not angry or frightened 3. Look for when others are going to silence/violence 7

Make it Safe To make a conversation safe you need… a. mutual purpose b. mutual respect Mutual Purpose-others perceive you are working toward a common outcome or goal. Need to Start with the Heart- what do I want for me, others and the relationship. Mutual Respect- is a continuance condition of dialogue. Respect is like air, if you take it away its all people can think about. Learn to Look- for ways you are similar and what you have in common. 8

Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect is Achieved by: Apologize Need to experience a change of heart Motives have to change Sincere and genuine Contrast When others misinterpret either your purpose or intent Use a don’t/do statement Don’t statement addresses others concerns that you don’t respect them or have a malicious purpose Do statement confirms your respect and clarifies your purpose Don’t statement more important of two because it restores safety Contrasting is not apologizing CRIB Commit to seek Mutual Purpose Recognize the purpose behind the strategy Invent a Mutual Purpose Brainstorm new strategies 9

Master My Stories To stay in dialogue you need to stay in charge of your emotions. Telling a story is the most important step - stories are the interpretation of the facts - stories explain the why, how, and what of a situation - if we take control of our stories, they won’t control us Avoid the three “clever” stories -Victim - Villain - Helpless 10

To master your stories ask the following questions: 1. Am I in some form of silence or violence? 2. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? 3. What story is creating these emotions? 4. What evidence do I have to support this story? 5. What would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do? 6. What do I really want? 7. What would I do right now, if I really wanted these results? 11

STATE My Path How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively The more important the discussion, the less likely we are to be on our best behavior. The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others. They are both totally frank and completely respectful. 12

The best at dialogue carefully blend confidence, humility, and skill. To talk about the most sensitive of topics you need to: Start with the Heart And Master your Story 13

Once you have worked on yourself you can use the “STATE My Path” strategy. S hare your facts T ell your story A sk for others’ paths T alk tentatively E ncourage testing 14

S hare your facts Facts are:  least controversial  are most persuasive  least insulting T ell your story  It takes confidence to be honest  Don’t pile it on  Look for safety problems- use contrasting 15

A sk for others’ paths  show our humility by asking others to share their facts and stories  our goal is to learn rather than be right  be willing to abandon or reshape your story T alk tentatively  Be tentative, not wimpy Soften talk. Instead of, “The fact is” say “In my opinion” E ncourage testing  invite opposing views  mean it  play devil’s advocate 16

Let’s Practice 1. Divide into 5 groups 2. Read the scenario 3. Use the STATE strategy to create a dialogue you may have with a new teacher 4. Share with whole group 17

Next Steps Apply: Explore Others’ Paths Move to Action Putting it Together Read chapters 8, 9, and 10 Next meeting April 8 th 12:00 p.m. 18