Author: “Stalling For Time: My Life As An FBI Hostage Negotiator” Moving From Confrontation to Cooperation National Council of State Boards of Nursing Alexandria, Virginia October 5, 2011 Gary Noesner Author: “Stalling For Time: My Life As An FBI Hostage Negotiator” www.garynoesner.com Copyright: Noesner Consulting, LLC

Noesner Consulting, LLC 2010

Underlying Premise Cooperation Confrontation All human interaction boils down to one of two categories: Cooperation or Confrontation Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Cooperation A situation in which people work together to achieve a result that will benefit all of them Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Confrontation Conflict between ideas, beliefs, or opinions, or between the people who hold them Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Communication Challenge There is no guarantee that we can satisfactorily resolve all conflict, since human behavior when driven by strong emotions is often unpredictable and can be counter- productive (Antioch) Our goal is to promote cooperation by avoiding arguments, defusing high emotion, and promoting a respectful exchange by using our verbal skills (Montana) Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

The Essential Truths The prognosis for a positive outcome is highly unlikely while we are engaged in a confrontational interaction (San Antonio) Therefore, our first goal is to de-escalate any confrontation in order to create an atmosphere conducive to cooperation (Vieques) Securing cooperation (at some level) is the most likely path through which we will achieve a positive outcome (Lucasville) Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Personal causes of confrontation Anger and frustration over life challenges Rage in response to a real or perceived injustice (Mobile) Blame projected on others for problems Lack of good coping skills (Sperryville) Absence of family and/or friend support Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Continued… Loss of relationship, status, or self-esteem A sense of being victimized by others or “the system” (Talladega) Feeling unappreciated and/or disrespected (Yorktown) A sense that things are hopeless and there is no possible help for them (Edison) Manifesting anger/rage/frustration rather than having a specific goal is the most likely behavioral motivation (Waco) Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

25 Keys To Successful Negotiations Attempt to de-escalate the scene Avoid demonstrations of aggressive intent (Waco) Open up a direct line of communications as soon as possible (Peru) Project a calm and controlled demeanor Always be respectful Avoid threats and arguments Voice peaceful intent State a desire to help not hurt Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Keys continued… Remain genuine and sincere Acknowledge their point of view Articulate understanding of their concerns (Vieques) Restate the emotional feelings they express Patiently create a trusting relationship Earn the right to exert a positive influence (Sperryville) Point out the alternatives to violence Continually project care and concern Remember: how you say something is as important as what you say Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Keys continued… Remain patient throughout Be open to different approaches and remain flexible Be creative in problem solving Identify their true needs versus their stated wants Continually encourage good behavior Don’t allow others actions to undercut yours Be persuasive about the benefits of cooperation Project a positive vision of a desired outcome If at first you don’t succeed – keep trying – again and again Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Summary Non-threatening dialogue has been proven to be the most effective means of defusing confrontations of all types and achieving positive outcomes Being patient, empathic, respectful, and genuine creates trust and promotes cooperation Assessing motivation and behavior, and understanding underlying needs is the key issue We cannot always stop angry, inappropriate, or potentially violent/self-destructive behavior but we should always try Our constant goal is to forge a working relationship that moves us away from confrontation toward cooperation Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC

Active Listening: The Key to Effective Communications

A distressed state affects the way a person thinks, feels and behaves Emotions, not reason, are controlling the person's behavior If a person feels he has a problem, he does

The person may be under the influence of one or more of the following emotions: Anger Fear Frustration Depression

The challenge is to restore the person's equilibrium. EMOTIONALITY NORMAL FUNCTIONING LEVEL RATIONALITY The challenge is to restore the person's equilibrium.

Self Control The only aspect of an interaction that we have absolute control over is our own emotions.

Overall Approach Give the person "a hearing" - Let him ventilate! People want most to be listened to and understood Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession you can make

Overall Approach continued… Show respect (Pretend the person before you is a friend or co-worker) Give the person your undivided attention; eliminate interruptions and distractions

Seek first to understand, then to be understood This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication - Stephen Covey

Empathy To see through the eyes of the other Empathy absorbs tension "I can understand how you would be upset over ...“ "You feel as though I don’t care about what’s happening to you” “I would like you to understand that I want to help you resolve this problem and come out of there safely”

Empathy continued… Being right is not the issue; making the attempt to get it right is! Your tone indicates your attitude This speaks louder than your words A calm / controlled demeanor may be more effective than a brilliant argument

Process Listen to the person (let them tell you their concerns) Acknowledge their point of view Does not equate to agreement Agree wherever you can, without conceding Try to find some common ground Create a positive atmosphere for problem solving

Behavioral Change Stairway (leading to cooperation) INFLUENCE RAPPORT EMPATHY ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

"The desire to be understood is as powerful as the need to have one's way."

People communicate on two levels: Content (the story) Emotion (the feelings)

FEELINGS STORY

Remember Although people may not always achieve their objective they need to be allowed to save face and maintain some level of dignity.

Communication Success = Controlling our emotions Using Active Listening Skills Be genuine Be non-threatening Demonstrate understanding

"Successful communicators are good listeners" Remember to be: Creative Flexible Patient "Successful communicators are good listeners"

"The sincere and genuine demonstration Reminder! "The sincere and genuine demonstration of your interest and understanding of a person’s perspective is far more important than your ability to provide a quick solution to resolving the problem"

Questions? Copyright Noesner Consulting LLC