Rethinking Parenting: How To Bridge The Gap Between What We Want And What We Do Derek Selander & Ron Fast International School Manila

Why rethinking parenting?

OUTLINE Purpose & Rationale Purpose & Rationale Where We’ve Come From Where We’ve Come From What Have We Learned What Have We Learned Limitations Limitations Where We Are Now Where We Are Now What We Do What We Do Why We Do It Why We Do It How We Do It (Tools To Facilitate the Process) How We Do It (Tools To Facilitate the Process) Where We Are Going Where We Are Going Discussion Discussion

Purpose To offer a new perspective regarding parenting To offer a new perspective regarding parenting To provide a theoretical framework based on current research To provide a theoretical framework based on current research To provide information To provide information To provide tools for running parenting groups To provide tools for running parenting groups To model techniques that can be utilized with parents To model techniques that can be utilized with parents To create a counseling network of individuals interested in the topic of parenting To create a counseling network of individuals interested in the topic of parenting

Rationale We believe that what we are doing is working based on consistent feedback from parents in our groups.

Where We’ve Come From Systematic Training For Effective Parenting (STEP) Systematic Training For Effective Parenting (STEP) Skills-Based Approaches Skills-Based Approaches What is Useful and What is Limiting What is Useful and What is Limiting Provides a Structure Provides a Structure Simplified/Scripted Simplified/Scripted Age Specific Age Specific Cultural Considerations Cultural Considerations Experiential Considerations Experiential Considerations

“What we see is the most important determiner of what we do…Our interaction will only be as effective as our perceptions are insightful.” Gordon Neufeld

Where We Are Now What We Want To Do Offer different ways of thinking about parenting Offer different ways of thinking about parenting Empower parents Empower parents Raise level of confidence Raise level of confidence Facilitate meaningful discussion Facilitate meaningful discussion Exam feelings and beliefs Exam feelings and beliefs Encourage reflection Encourage reflection Provide information Provide information Provide opportunities for healing Provide opportunities for healing Provide support Provide support

Where We Are Now How We Do It Community Building and Creating Safe Space Community Building and Creating Safe Space Providing Information (see Biblio. & Book Groups) Providing Information (see Biblio. & Book Groups) Reflection Exercises Reflection Exercises Activity (Consider “Rethinking Parenting”) Activity (Consider “Rethinking Parenting”) Clarifying Long-term Goals for our Children Clarifying Long-term Goals for our Children What informs our parenting? What informs our parenting? Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B) Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B) Examining Communication & Relationships Examining Communication & Relationships Marshall Rosenberg (See Appendix C & D) Marshall Rosenberg (See Appendix C & D) Daniel Siegel: Attachment and Attunement Daniel Siegel: Attachment and Attunement

Where We Are Now How We Do It (Cont.) Examining Beliefs Examining Beliefs STEP Parenting Exercise STEP Parenting Exercise Agree/Disagree Statements (See Appendix A) Agree/Disagree Statements (See Appendix A) Where do our beliefs come from? Where do our beliefs come from? Examining Needs (Marshall Rosenberg—See Appendix C & D) Examining Needs (Marshall Rosenberg—See Appendix C & D) Examining Fears Examining Fears Healing Exercises Healing Exercises Small Group Discussions Small Group Discussions Life Map Life Map Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B) Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B) Meditation Meditation

Where We Are Now Is there a disconnect between what parents ‘want’ and what they ‘do’? Alfie Kohn

Clarifying What We Want What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like your children to turn out; what you want them to be like once they’re grown?

Happy Happy Balanced Balanced Independent Independent Fulfilled Fulfilled Productive Productive Self-reliant Self-reliant Responsible Responsible Functioning Functioning Kind Kind Thoughtful Thoughtful Loving Loving Inquisitive Inquisitive Confident Confident

Where We Are Going Challenges Challenges Multi-Cultural Considerations? Multi-Cultural Considerations? Others? Others?

Appendix A: Agree/Disagree Statements Using reinforcement is necessary to control a child’s behavior. Using reinforcement is necessary to control a child’s behavior. Parenting styles are learned and or evolve from the ways we were parented ourselves. Parenting styles are learned and or evolve from the ways we were parented ourselves. With regard to learning, both in and out of the classroom, experiencing failure is just as important as experiencing success. With regard to learning, both in and out of the classroom, experiencing failure is just as important as experiencing success. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Spare the rod, spoil the child. I was spanked by my parents and it didn’t seem to affect me at all. I was spanked by my parents and it didn’t seem to affect me at all. Parents should not be afraid to exercise their authority. Parents should not be afraid to exercise their authority. A child should be taught to obey and yield to parental leadership. A child should be taught to obey and yield to parental leadership. A parent should respect a child the same way they respect a friend. A parent should respect a child the same way they respect a friend. Punishment can prove to children that their parents love them. Punishment can prove to children that their parents love them.

Appendix B: Daniel Siegel— Parenting from the Inside Out Basic Principles Basic Principles Activities/Discussion Questions Activities/Discussion Questions Do you see any part of you in your child? Do you see any part of you in your child? Think of 3 words that describe your relationship with your child? Are they words you might use to describe memories with your own parents? Think of 3 words that describe your relationship with your child? Are they words you might use to describe memories with your own parents? What are some of your common reactions with your child? What are some of your common reactions with your child? Think of a time when you had a different reaction to the same experience. Consider the experience from their perspective. Think of a time when you had a different reaction to the same experience. Consider the experience from their perspective. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did you feel? Think of an experience from your own childhood where your reality was denied. How did you feel? Create a one paragraph narrative about your childhood. Create a one paragraph narrative about your childhood. What impact do you think your childhood has had on your adult life in general, including the ways you think of yourself and relate to your children? What would you like to change? What impact do you think your childhood has had on your adult life in general, including the ways you think of yourself and relate to your children? What would you like to change? Without thinking too much “A good mother/father is….” Without thinking too much “A good mother/father is….” How do we connect emotionally with our kids? How do we connect emotionally with our kids? How did your family experience ruptures during your childhood? How about now? How do you deal with a “wall”? How did your family experience ruptures during your childhood? How about now? How do you deal with a “wall”?

Appendix C: Marshall Rosenberg Needs/Non-violent Communication (NVC) Basic Principles Basic Principles Human actions are motivated by attempts to meet needs. Human actions are motivated by attempts to meet needs. Trusting relationships develop through attentiveness to those needs. Trusting relationships develop through attentiveness to those needs. Shifts attention away from judgment focusing towards feelings and needs. Shifts attention away from judgment focusing towards feelings and needs. Empathy for others’ feelings and needs and an expression of ones own Empathy for others’ feelings and needs and an expression of ones own

Appendix D: Activities to Exam Needs Think of something you did/said to enrich someone’s life in the past 24hours. How did it enrich their life? What needs were met? How do you feel now? Think of something you did/said to enrich someone’s life in the past 24hours. How did it enrich their life? What needs were met? How do you feel now? What are your personal needs? Make a list. Discuss in groups. What are your personal needs? Make a list. Discuss in groups. Do they change depending on situation, person, place? Do they change depending on situation, person, place? Why is it important to reflect on our own needs? Why is it important to reflect on our own needs? What are your child’s needs? Go home and ask them. What are your child’s needs? Go home and ask them. Think of a conflict with your child. What were their needs? Your needs? Think of a conflict with your child. What were their needs? Your needs? In general, what do you believe are your children’s needs? (Work independently and then come together) In general, what do you believe are your children’s needs? (Work independently and then come together) Think of the last conflict you had with your child. Whose needs were met in the end? How were those needs met? (Work independently and then in small groups). Think of the last conflict you had with your child. Whose needs were met in the end? How were those needs met? (Work independently and then in small groups).

Bibliography (Psychology Today, 2004) A Nation of Wimps by Hara Estroff Marano (Psychology Today, 2004)Hara Estroff Marano "Good" Children - at What Price? The Secret Cost of Shame by Robin Grille and Beth Macgregor How Children Really React to Control—taken from Discipline That Works: Promoting Self- discipline in Children by Thomas Gordon (1989) When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’ by Alfie Kohn Compassionate Connection: Attachment Parenting and Nonviolent Communication by Inbal Kashtan The Child Trap: The Rise of Overparenting by Joan Acocella (2008)Joan Acocella Children Full of Life (See YOUTUBE) Power Struggles by Shirley King Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Book Groups Parenting from the Inside Out—Daniel Siegel& Mary Hartzell Parenting from the Inside Out—Daniel Siegel& Mary Hartzell Unconditional Parenting—Alfie Kohn (or on DVD) Unconditional Parenting—Alfie Kohn (or on DVD) Hold On to Your Kids—Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate Hold On to Your Kids—Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate Parent Effectiveness Training—Thomas Gordon Parent Effectiveness Training—Thomas Gordon Freeing Your Child from Anxiety—Tamar Chansky Freeing Your Child from Anxiety—Tamar Chansky Between Parent and Child—Haim Ginott Between Parent and Child—Haim Ginott Children: The Challenge—Rudolf Dreikurs Children: The Challenge—Rudolf Dreikurs How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk—Adele Faber How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk—Adele Faber Third Culture Kids—David Pollock & Ruth Van Reken Third Culture Kids—David Pollock & Ruth Van Reken

Discussion