Supporting Families with LGBT Children Calderdale & Kirklees Women ’ s Centre and Gay and Lesbian Youth in Calderdale: a joint project

Questions: What are the issues for LGBT young people, in particular with regard to parents? How does DV team currently work with vulnerable children/young people? How can we begin to work together to develop programme that meets the needs of LGBT young people and their families?

PARENTS RESPONSES o 1. Total acceptance, find out more information, join FFLAG, provide support and understanding, challenge societal homophobia. o 2. Acceptance but not really want to find out more o 3. Total rejection, thrown out, never speak to them ever again. o 4. Initial shock, create a scene and threaten their child not to tell anyone else; eventually come round to some level of tolerance; however, they rarely talk about the ‘ issue ’ again. o 5. Try to change young person: o Some purposefully denigrate homosexuality in the hope that this will stop their child being gay. o Some go to great lengths to stop their children meeting other gay young people. o Some go to extreme lengths to try and change their child, which is impossible.

Context Coming out much younger Witnessing and experiencing homophobic bullying Witnessing and experiencing homophobic abuse on the streets US research: even slight moderation in how parents respond (more positively) reduces levels of mental health problems, substance misuse, unsafe sex

FATHER ’ S RESPONSE (2008) 62% out to their fathers 61% fully accepted (what does this mean?) 19% refused to accept 19% half accepted and half refused to accept them What about 38% who are not out?

POSITIVE “Fine” “Not bother him” “He accepts that I am what I am” “Jokes about it” “Always said got one of each, a son, a daughter and one in- between”

MIXED “Quiet to begin with” “Now ok” “Don't think he's that bothered but disappointed family name not continue” “Let mum explain but now fine”

NEGATIVE “It's wrong; I'm his youngest daughter - he doesn't want to think of me in that way” “Doesn't take any interest” “Unhappy about it” “Probably finds me disappointment” “Disown me” “Doesn't like it overt but doesn't make an issue of it” “Pretends it doesn't happen” “Take it badly” “Don't think he'd like it. Step dad” “Because I'm gay, he says that he wishes that I was never born”

MOTHER ’ S RESPONSE (2008) 76% out to their mothers 47% fully accepted (what does this mean?) 21% refused to accept them 32% half accepted and half refused to accept What about 24% who are not out?

POSITIVE “Cool from start” “Fine, doesn't mind, not one of the important things” “Wouldn't care as long as happy” “Supports me, worries it might single me out” “Think she's always known” “She's very supportive and is not bothered that I'm gay” “Fine, it's who you are, still love you, not going to change” “She's proud I'm happy with myself and meeting friends”

MIXED “Shocked at first but as long as I'm happy she's okay” “Accepts but hard to get head round it sometimes” “At first refused, wants gran kids. Ok now. Getting used to it - knowing I'm still me” “Indifferent” “She seems to be ok with it, but sometimes doesn't talk about it” “She's fine with it as long as its not in the public eye. Accepts my partner” “Love me no matter what, but I think she always imagined I'd marry my boyhood girlfriend” “Now don't think it makes any difference to her, at all” “Shocked at first but not throw me out”

NEGATIVE “Not like me being gay but I'm her daughter. Not like me talking about anything to do with gays” “Rather I wasn't but not force me to change like she tried to at first” “Not even want to think about it” “Homophobic” “Unhappy about it” “Gender homophobic” “If you are born that way it's mine and your dad's fault” “Ignore it and hope it will go away” “Thinks it's a phase and I'll grow out of it” “She won't like it” “She doesn't really accept it” “Ok with it, but doesn't want others to know” “Ok with everyone else being gay, except me” “At times supportive, but sometimes has reservations” “She would like me to meet a girl, so that she would have grandchildren”

MOTHER (Step - Mum) “She's ok with it” “At first she was in denial, she thought I would grow out of it, and still does to a certain extent. She blamed the internet for making me grow up too quickly.” ”I don't feel my mother understands fully.” ”My Carer is fine with it.” ”My mum is homophobic, she has grown up in a religious family so she believes 'gays' are wrong.” ”Said she loves it!” ”She believes I should still be open minded. I might change one day.” ”She doesn't care about sexuality.” ”She has not got a problem with it but doesn't want to know details.” ”She is fine with it.” ”She is fine with my sexuality.” ”She is positive.” ”She thinks its cool.” ”She wants somebody to go shopping with.”

FATHER ”As far as I know, it doesn't make a difference to him so long as I'm happy. But I don't talk to him, I never did really, I've not seen him since before Christmas 2009.” ”Don't know because we don't talk about it.” ”He doesn't talk about it.” ”He is fine but not vocal about it.” ”He is fine with it but doesn't want to know any details.” ”He is ok.” ”He makes snide comments for a joke sometimes.” ”He was fine.” ”My dad has been supportive of my sexuality” ”They are fine with it.” ”We talk about my relationships but not in intimate detail.”

Family Backgrounds Asian, Muslim – complicated: Abdul ’ s story Working class: Paul ’ s story

DV Unit Explain how work with families Next steps Deepen knowledge: resources Discuss with youth group Develop joint project

Resources Adopted the movie For the bible tells me so Out to the family Supportive families, healthy children Flyer? FFLAG?