Perfectionism A Guide for Parents of a Perfectionistic Gifted Child By Christen Timmins Southeastern Louisiana University

Think about... What does the term “perfectionism” mean to you? What are some characteristics of perfectionists? Is perfectionism good or bad? Or both?

Definition “Perfectionism is a combination of thoughts and behaviors generally associated with high standards or expectations for one’s own performance.” (Schuler, p. 71)

So is perfectionism good or bad? The truth is perfectionism can be either. Unhealthy forms of perfectionism can cause “intense frustration and paralysis.” Healthy forms of perfectionism can cause “intense satisfaction and creative contribution.” (Schuler, p. 71)

Healthy vs. Unhealthy: How can you tell the difference? Unhealthy perfectionists tie their self-worth to their ability (or inability) to perform all of life’s tasks perfectly. This kind of perfectionism is unhealthy because no one is perfect. Individuals with unhealthy perfectionism suffer from low self-esteem and low self-worth because they feel they are never good enough.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy: How can you tell the difference? Healthy perfectionists set high goals but do not tie their self-worth to their ability to constantly obtain those goals. They still work hard but are more easily able to accept a final product that is “good enough” but not perfect.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Mistakes are a learning experience Willing to take creative risks Enjoy successes and proud of past accomplishments Mistakes are failures Not willing to take risks for fear of failure Do NOT recognize and enjoy accomplishments because too worried about “the next thing”

Consequences of Unhealthy Perfectionism Mood Swings Shame Guilt Shyness Procrastination – “Why start if I can’t do it perfectly?” Minimization of past accomplishments Decreased willingness to take creative risks. The number of achievements is more important than the quality

SERIOUS Consequences of Unhealthy Perfectionism Depression Eating disorders Writer’s block Migraines Sexual dysfunction Obsessive-compulsive personality disorders Dysmorphophobia – an obsession with an imagined physical deformity Suicide Type-A coronary-prone behavior

Tip 1: Understand that perfectionism is NOT a disease that needs to be cured. Perfectionism can be good and healthy because setting high goals can lead the realization of one’s academic, creative, or emotional potential. However, perfectionism can become unhealthy when the child defines his self-worth in terms of his ability to be perfect. It is the unhealthy level of perfectionism that parents need to watch out for and help correct.

Tip 2: Watch what you say! “Just do your best” can mean “just be perfect” to an unhealthy perfectionist. Instead say something like: “I’m ok with whatever the outcome is, as long as I know you made an attempt” And Mean It!

Tip 3: Redefine “failures” as learning experiences. Help your teen recognize what can be learned from a mistake, then help him/her apply that knowledge to finishing that task or to doing a similar task. Be a role model – share your mistakes (big or small) and what you’ve learned from them.

Tip 3: Redefine “failures” as learning experiences. (continued) Suggest books or movies about famous people who viewed “failures” as learning experiences. For example, it took Thomas Edison 1,500 tries to find the right material to use as filament for the light bulb! (See links in “More Resources” to find appropriate books.)

Tip 4: Help procrastinators with time management. Help break big projects up into smaller parts Help set goals and deadlines for each part Remove distractions from study area

Tip 5: Help relieve stress. Use humor! Jokes, being silly, comic strips, funny movies, etc. can all help to break the tension. Encourage exercise! Go for a walk together, go to the park, ride bikes, whatever’s fun... just make sure it’s non-competitive!

Tip 6: Listen to your child. When your teen opens up about self-doubt or stress, Listen to and acknowledge your teen’s feelings. Don’t dismiss or minimize emotions. What your teen is feeling is very real and important to him/her. Let your teen know he/she is not alone in their feelings. Be willing to help find solutions to problems, but only if your child asks!

Tip 7: Unconditional Love Remind your teen that you love them no matter what!

Try This! 1) Click on the link below to take a perfectionism survey. You can either answer questions based your own feelings or based on how you think your teen would answer. Be sure to print or write down your results. Perfectionism Survey

2) Now ask your teen to answer the same survey. Here’s the link again. Perfectionism Survey 3) Compare and discuss your results.

More Resources... Just Click Hoagies’: Perfectionism and the Gifted Child Part of the vast Hoagies’ website, this page contains a long list of links to journal articles and books about perfectionism. (The whole Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page site is a great resource because it contains “all things gifted.”) Hoagies’ Biographies Reading List Again part of the Hoagies’ website, this page contains suggested biographies of famous people. This is a good place to start if you want to find books about gifted people and their struggles to succeed. Interviews with American Icons This link will take you to the home page of Academy of Achievement: A Museum of Living History. Scroll to the bottom of the page for links to transcripts of interviews with some of today’s living (and some now deceased) legends. This is another great resource for your teen to learn about gifted people, their struggles, and accomplishments.

About the Author Hi! My name is Christen Timmins. I am a Covington High alum and a product of the G/T programs in Jefferson and St. Tammany parishes. I have a B.S. in Secondary Mathematics Education from Northwestern State University and 6 years teaching experience in Louisiana and Texas. Currently, I am finishing up a Masters degree in Special Education – Gifted at Southeastern. This PowerPoint was created to fulfill one of the requirements of EDUC 618: Counseling the Gifted. I hope you found it informative and helpful. I would love your feedback about this PowerPoint! Please your thoughts, comments, and/or questions to: (Please “cut & paste” my address into your . My name is very easy to misspell!)

References Mackay, L. Understanding the gifted …perfectionist. Retrieved July 29, 2008,from mackayseminars.com/presentations/ Understanding_the_Gifted_Underachiever_and_ Perfectionist.ppt Schuler, P. (2002). Perfectionism in gifted children and adolescents. In Neihart, M., Reis, S., Robinson, N., & Moon, S. (Ed.), The Social and Emotional Development of Gifted Children: What do we know? (pp ). Washington D.C.: Purfrock Press Inc. Silverman, L. (1993). Counseling the Gifted and Talented. Denver: Love Publishing Company.