African American Faith Based Bereavement Initiative

Module 5 What Families Need

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Listen and reflect Listen to these interactions between a family who has experienced loss and their pastor. Reflect on how well it fits their needs. This vignette was developed from the real-life experiences of families—it may seem extreme, but it unfortunately reflects what they have encountered.

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Vignette with bereaved parents

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Guidelines to support families Understand how to support the tasks of grief Know principles of bereavement support Know principles of active listening Know what to say Know what to do Look at the family unit

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Alan Wolfelt, PhD 5 Tasks of Grief Permission to grieve and mourn - Experience and express outside of oneself the reality of the death Nurture self - Experience the pain while nurturing oneself Reminisce - Convert relationship with deceased from present to memory OK to still identify self as mother/father - Develop new self identity without the deceased Reconciliation - Relate experience of loss to context of meaning Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Principles of Bereavement Support  Follow the family’s lead.  Use 1st or 3rd person suggestions.  Guide the family toward independence.  Provide alternatives when discussing decisions.  Respect confidentiality.  Remember responsibility to refer. Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Principles of Active Listening  Acknowledge what you hear.  Repeat major words or phrases.  Listen for emotional content.  Avoid premature interruption.  Work with voids. Don’t fill them.  Ask questions about feelings.  Strive to be sympathetic, neutral and non- judgmental. Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Speaking From the Heart  Call child by name  Listen  Share your sorrow & helplessness  Provide subtle, unobtrusive support  Remember siblings  “I am so sorry.”  “I can’t imagine how you must feel.”  “I know it’s hard to think clearly right now.”  “I need to explain what will happen next.”  “Let me explain why this is important.” Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC What Do We Say to Grievers?  “You’re young, You’ll have others.”  “God never gives you more than you can handle.”  “Be thankful you have other children who need you.”  “You’re strong. You’ll be OK.”  “Everything happens for a reason.”  “God needed another angel.”  “He’s in a better place now.”  “Time heals all wounds.” Are these helpful? Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC A Family Voice Nicole Alston, Founder & Executive Director, The Skye Foundation, Inc. interviews mother who lost her baby.

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Effectively Comforting Grieving Parents Things Not to Do:  Not reaching out because you feel uncomfortable.  Avoiding the family members or friends.  Not using the baby's name.  Changing the subject.  Saying “I know how you feel.” Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC Effectively Comforting Grieving Parents Things Not to Do:  Saying "You ought to.”  Giving advice on how they should feel.  Offering platitudes such as “It was God’s will,” or “Time will heal.”  Saying that they can have other children or can have more children later.  Implying that the baby did not have good care. Source: Health Care Professionals’ Guide to Bereavement Support; NSIDSPSC

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC A Family Voice Paul Alston. Co-Founder, The Skye Foundation, Inc.

Module 5 AAFBBI Curriculum ©2011 NCCC As a Couple  Recognize Different: Styles Timetables Meaning  Expectations of Sole Support  Privacy vs. Communication  Recommitment to Marriage