Death and Grief: Helping in Congregations Helen Harris, LCSW, DCSW Center for Family and Community Ministries: May 21, 2009.

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Presentation transcript:

Death and Grief: Helping in Congregations Helen Harris, LCSW, DCSW Center for Family and Community Ministries: May 21, 2009

Loss and Grief…everyone is an expert Kinds of losses Own experiences Theory Practice Take Aways for Today

Some Definitions Loss Bereavement Grief Mourning

Challenges: Societal Attitudes…. Medicine should have an answer for every problem….especially the enemy of death If it doesn’t involve death of a person, it isn’t loss. Dependence on others is a burden………

Supported by church processes…. The Prayer List Food in crisis Celebration and Pollyanna Out of sight, out of mind Defining needs

For example….Loss of Health and Independence…Needs of the Dying… Presence Honesty Hope Symptom Management Value Opportunity to complete unfinished business

Sometimes, it happens badly When we judge When we prescribe When we “celebrate”only When we excuse When we abandon When we think we know just how someone feels

We know…………. Each person’s grief is unique. Each person’s experience is his or hers alone. Each experience is unlike any other. So, I can never know exactly how someone else feels.

“Though united in that we are grieving, we grieve differently. As each death has its own character, so each grief over a death has its own character, its own inscape.” Nick Wolterstorff Lament for a Son

We also know…. There are some commonalities in loss and grief It helps not to walk the path alone Plethora of books of person’s experiences The development of theory –Kubler-Ross –Worden

First: Grief is Normative Consider the age of the bereaved Consider the relationship with the lost person or object Consider the circumstances of the loss Consider the degree of change in day to day life experienced by the bereaved Consider the support available Consider the bereaved’s history with crisis

EK Ross Model and Keys Shock/Denial Anger Bargaining Despair Acceptance

Grief impacts us holistically…

Grief Takes Time Whole first year is one loss after another Beware of special occasions and holidays all year Uncomplicated mourning is normally 2-3 years Complicated mourning may be a 5-7 year process. Grief continues for a lifetime through major life milestones.

Grief is Work: Worden’s Four Tasks Experience the reality of the loss Experience the pain of the loss Adjust to an environment without the deceased Withdraw emotional energy from the deceased and invest it in new relationship(s)

We CAN help…………

Tangibles Be present Mark your calendar for the entire year of difficult days Call and send cards Do concrete tasks….lawn, meals, errands Assess and refer when needed Memorialize Don’t be afraid of tears

Self Care for Ministers The Jesus Model: Get away The Jesus Model: Say No The Jesus Model: Name it The Jesus Model: Cry The Jesus Model: Spend time with friends The Jesus Model: Pray

Why do this work? Calling…. The blessing of being invited into people’s lives when they are most vulnerable The opportunity to see courage and strength The richness of life intersecting with eternity

The beginning…. This is the church. This is the steeple. Open it up… And see all the people.