Chapter 16: Marriage Matters Most people spend most, if not all of their lives within the context of a marriage relationship—first as children, and then as husband or wife, and as a member of an extended family. Thus, our “search for the good” takes place within this context. It is shaped by it, and most often finds fulfillment within it. In this chapter we will explore marriage as a human reality, as an institution, and as a sacrament. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1A_X8VMIqU

Learning Goals In this part of the chapter, we will explore the conjugal nature of marriage. We will examine the relationship of husband and wife from the fall in Eden to contemporary society. We will see how this relationship has evolved from the Creation story. We will define the Catholic understanding of marriage and understand its implications. We will identify and understand The 7 Stages of Married Life.

Key Terms 1 Conjugal: Relating to the married state, or the couple in the married relationship. Commitment: A pledge or promise to do something in the future. In marriage, it is entering into a lifelong partnership with another until death. Consent: To agree to something, in marriage, it is an agreement to a lifelong, exclusive partnership with the spouse, and the acceptance of the marriage vows. Fidelity: Faithfulness, trustworthiness, loyalty.

Key Terms 2 Indissolubility: Permanence, the sacrament of marriage is dissolved only in death. Procreation: The bringing forth of offspring. Promise: To declare that you will do or will refrain from doing something. In marriage, the partners vow or “…promise to be true in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honour you all the days of my life.” Vocation: One’s calling from God to a particular way of life.

Key Terms 3 Sacramental covenant: The marriage bond between two baptized persons based on an unconditional promise to be faithful until death, and open to the gift of children. Social cell: The married couple is the basic “building block” of society. Stable family relations are the most important human relationship in society. Annulment: The determination by the diocesan marriage tribunal that a marriage covenant is invalid and therefore void, based on evidence that one or both of the marriage partners did not fulfill the conditions for a valid sacramental marriage.

“It is not good that the man should be alone…”(Genesis 2.18) Since the beginning of creation, God knew that man needed an equal partner God makes every creature on the earth and presents them to Adam to be named. But, as the human is naming all the creatures in the garden, he becomes aware that, in spite of all of these creatures, he has no “helper as his partner.” All is not as it should be.

“Bone of my Bones and Flesh of my Flesh” (Genesis 2.23) The Lord put Adam in a “deep sleep” and “builds” the woman from his side. He brings her to life, and brings her to the man. The sheer delight and wonder of the man is heard in his exclamation: “This at last, is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of man this one was taken.” (Genesis 2.23) What does the woman being taken out of the man’s side symbolize? What does it tell us about God’s intentions for their relationship?

Man and Woman are incomplete without each other By naming her Woman, Adam knows himself to be Man. To be a helper, the other must be alike, “bone of my bones”, but at the same time unlike (Woman and Man) Being alone, even in the midst of creation with all of its beauty and life was not perfect; something was missing. This experience of being alone indicated that the human was incomplete. Secondly, the awareness of human identity happens in and through the presence of the other who is the same, yet different. We get to know who we really are through the other person.

Male and Female Marry -Mutual presence corrects the loneliness and offers completeness to the meaning of being human. -This account explains the meaning of man and woman “become one flesh” -They join bodily, share a home, become totally attached to each other in all aspects of life—in other words, male and female marry.

The Fall from Grace -The Genesis account identifies the following effects of “the fall” on the male/female relationship: They discover their nakedness The woman is condemned forever to struggle with the “serpent” (our human vulnerability to temptation) The man’s existence is diminished by their sin as well By rejecting the state of their relationship with God, they loose their place in Eden.

So what? Despite the loss of their free and uninhibited life together, their life together still remains a blessing. The man and the woman chose to sin, were expelled from the garden and did lose their innocence. Even though they now have to struggle for a living, and have to face death, God’s gift of life and love does not abandon them. The man calls the woman Eve, which the text interprets as “the mother of all living.” To her was given the blessing of life and the transmission of human life. She is the glory of human life, the mother of all living.

Discussion 1) What insights do you think this story offers about marriage today? 2) How did “the fall” affect the relationship between the man and the woman? 3) How does the relationship between them continue to be a blessing today?

Defining Marriage Society is challenging the Catholic understanding of marriage in many different ways, and from several different points of view. The Catholic Organization for Life and Family summarizes the way society questions the traditional meaning of marriage this way: “Men and women today are seeking new expressions, and possibly new answers for their deepest aspirations concerning human love: Why should people marry today? What is so different about love in marriage? What is gained by getting married instead of just living together? In what way is being a couple a concern to others? Of concern even to God? Why should love be confined to an institution that may no longer even be considered relevant? Does it have a future? What is marriage?”

Defining Marriage We’ve all heard people say, “Marriage is just a piece of paper”…. How do you think young adults in society today view marriage? Is marriage still relevant? Why or why not? What do you think?

Defining Marriage These questions reflect some of the uncertainties and confusion in a multicultural society about marriage. So how does the Catholic Church understand marriage? Five significant elements stand out when defining marriage: 1) Marriage is an intimate partnership of life and love 2) The central trait or soul of marriage is love 3)This love is open to procreation 4) Marriage is built on the consent of the two partners 5) A valid marriage between baptized persons is by that very fact a sacrament.

1) Marriage is an intimate partnership of life and love: At the core of marriage is the interpersonal relationship between the man and the woman. It is a partnership and communion reaching every aspect of life. It is a partnership and a covenant rather than a contract. 2) The central trait or soul of marriage is love: It is a love that is to grow from eros—physical/sexual love—to agape—a selfless love totally for the other person. 3) This love is open to procreation: By its very nature, the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory. Love and new life are the gifts of marriage

4) Marriage is built on the consent of the two partners: The Church’s canon law describes this consent as, “an act of will by which a man and a woman by an irrevocable covenant mutually give and accept one another for the purpose of establishing a marriage. Wedding vows and an example of this consent. 5) A valid marriage between baptized persons is by that very fact a sacrament. (We will learn more about this in Part 2)

The 7 Stages of Married Life Life is, of course, more complex than a series of stages. The following stages, however, help us to see that the events and struggles of marriage can lead to fulfillment and maturity. These demonstrate that a husband and a wife must work together to develop their relationship. Relationships and love can mature over a lifetime in ways that are unimaginable at the beginning of marriage. With this in mind, here are 7 generalized stages of possible growth in marriage.

1) Beginnings -Every couple brings with them their family background, their past, their education, their friends and relatives, and their previous relationships. This past will have an influence on the couple’s life together. -Most expectations of a spouse and one’s marriage are based on one’s past. -Reflecting on one’s past family experiences is critically important. Otherwise, one enters into a marriage unaware of the expectations he or she brings to the marriage. -It is good right from the beginning to be aware of what family background and life experience one brings to the marriage.

2) Romantic Love -begins when a couple talks about sharing life together. -depending on cultural customs it usually begins with engagement, marriage and cohabitation. -This is usually a time of intense intimacy between a man and a woman, a sense of marvel about the other. -At this point the man and woman are each extremely attentive to the other, full of consideration for the feelings and desires of the other, etc. -This often leads to intense closeness, a feeling of being merged with the other. -The challenge of this stage is to create a deep and durable relationship based on good communication.

3) Power Struggle -Some four or five years into the couple’s life together the idealized image of the partner starts to fade: He never cleans up after himself, she is never ready on time etc. -The demands and constrains of time and energy are at times so overwhelming that one partner may not feel that the other is carrying his or her weight. -Conflicts arise and a power struggle often ensues. -Working patiently together through each conflict with respect and openness leads to new insights about oneself and new ways of relating to the other. -In this stage, each partner works toward a new identity in the marriage. This is an opportunity to grow. -This phase requires good negotiating skills and the ability to forgive. It is worth it.

-Often this is a time of deepening the relationship. 4) Stability -If the challenge for change is handled well in the previous stage, a period of stability may follow. -Often this is a time of deepening the relationship. -Each partner begins to ask him/herself how they are contributing to the marriage. -They may also ask themselves how they are the source of problems in their marriage. -Their deepening relationship often means that the couple will work to rekindle their deeper interest and love for each other. -The challenge is to remain creative, not to fall into a deadly routine or to reinvent one another.

5) Recommitment -This stage takes place around the mid- life point of the couple. -It is a time again for questioning one’s choices and commitments. -If the last stage is not completed properly, the couple may drift apart. -They may find it increasingly difficult to communicate with one another their fears and aspirations. They will live inside their own shell. -Mid-life can then lead to a real crisis in marriage and a withdrawal from the relationship. -But if they are successful, a new sense of trust and appreciation for the other may emerge. This means a new commitment to each other with a deepening appreciation of each other’s differences.

6) Fruitfulness -This recognition and appreciation of each other’s differences can have life giving repercussions. -Because each partner pursues personal interests, their individual identities grow. -At the same time couples start doing more things together, such as travel or work together in business. -Finding this balance between personal, but also mutual interests makes the couple more fruitful at the physical, psychological, affective, social and spiritual level at this time. -The challenge will be not to go under as individuals and as a couple by becoming too involved in all sorts of activities.

7) Growing Old Together -This is the last stage of the couple’s journey together. At this time they are probably retired. With today’s longevity, this may well be the longest stage. -If they have succeeded in integrating all of their life’s experiences and their married life together, they are often seen as pillars of wisdom and stability for their offspring, especially their grandchildren. -This is also a time of withdrawal from the social, political and economic sphere. The couple also experiences the loss of friends and family through death. -They are less active physically and socially. They may try to deny that they are getting older, but they can also learn to accept, to let go and remain positive and serene as they grow older.

Group Activity Get into groups of 3 or 4 Each group will be assigned a stage of married life In your groups, identify 2 significant points about that stage as well as 1 significant challenge that the couple may have to overcome. Come up with a possible solution. Share 