Teens and tweens What’s up with them?

Memories of being a teen… You yourself were a teenager not long ago! You probably felt similar to how many teenagers feel today: introspective and worried, but hopeful and adventurous You probably complained that too much school work impeded your life and began wondering who you were and where you fit (which you’ve since learned takes a lot of practice but we all get good at it sooner or later!)

What’s up with teens and tweens?

Teens are concerned about image - know that time in front of mirror is normal! Teens are feeling conflicted already - avoid too much conflict (chose your battles)! Teens don’t like too many questions - balance being interested but not intrusive! Teens want to separate - encourage /embrace greater independence!

Developmental changes in teen years physical changes brought on by puberty are accompanied by emotional changes unique social needs develop hopes and expectations for future pressures and worries that are often focused on how they fit in and interact with peers the importance of the peers group is one of the first moves towards independence

Development of own sense of self develop their own sense of self individuate – becoming their own person seek out information from parents and peers that will help them further define themselves identify own interests express themselves through their activities self-esteem is developing and fragile sense of self is highly affected by peers

Parents can support growing independence Adolescents should rely less on their parents Understand and encourage the urge to separate Although parental support is important, parents should guard against over-involvement Encourage teens to seek assistance directly from staff and to view teachers as an ally and ask for help

Parents “Cutting the cord” Source: Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J., and co-author of Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers: Guiding the Way to Committed, Courageous, Compassionate Adults (Three Rivers Press, 2002)Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers: Guiding the Way to Committed, Courageous, Compassionate Adults It is important for parents to be clear about their own emotions: “Our own feelings of hesitation or trepidation need not be transmitted onto our children. Ideally, we want them leaving with a sense of confidence, excitement and enthusiasm." “It is important for teenagers to know that Mom and Dad are interested in what they are doing, that they share in their accomplishments, but …. they will need to find their own way”.

Children “Cutting the cord” Cutting the cord can go both ways! Stressful for teens to learn what is expected of them. Some are hesitant to make decisions without parents. Parents be careful not to dismiss feelings of apprehension - listen and understand, then offer adult perspective, information, support and guidance. Provide an environment that allows them to express their concerns without fear of rejection or disapproval. Allow for learning through trial and error. Be patient as they stumble through their new responsibilities.

Cut the cord...but continue to “be there”

Concluding thoughts…. What we must realize from the start is that the ultimate goal of parenting is to raise responsible, empowered adults. If they don't need you as much when they become teens, you have accomplished just that and equipped them with the tools to succeed. Remember, they do still need you (and your love), they just don’t want to be seen with you!

Love your teen when they least deserve it because that is when they really need it

Additional Resources Tips for kids going to middle school: Getting organised Tips for kids going to middle school: Social security Helping your preteen cope with feeling left out Getting our boys to talk: teach the language of feelings Learning life skills is critical for tween success

Key characteristics of modern day teens participative * enjoy things that are fun and interactive connected * lifelong use of internet, cell phones *interact with technology flawlessly *see electronic devices as extension of selves achievement oriented = feel stress/pressure *coming from selves, peers and parents * Stress factors – marks, friends/fitting in/ popularity / looks AND (sometimes) pleasing parents social time is highly valued

Create fun learning opportunities at home Leadership and Teamwork skills Enhance child's sense of responsibility & build confidence to guide others Collaborate on household projects; participation in clubs; reflect on learning. Communication skills Teach telephone manners, greeting professionals, please/thanks, "netiquette“ Keep vocabulary growing by introducing a "word of the day“ Conflict Resolution Articulate a problem and discover solutions by offering problem-solving choices; Introduce concepts like compromise and respect; paraphrase what the other is saying Goal Setting Set small goals that lead to a larger overall goal; Create action steps required to achieve goal; discuss time needed for each step; encourage persistence and follow-through, and celebrate a job well done!