CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE By Becky Bailey Parent Study Club Month #4: Choices Fall - Spring 2010-2011 Presented By

Chapter #3 Review ASSERTIVENESS How are you doing? Are you… Focusing on what you WANT? Pivoting when you are upset Breathing deeply and affirm the principle Are you being Assertive? Saying what you want/need and keeping your power? Teaching your child HOW to be Assertive? Are you focusing on what you DO want or what you DON’T want? The choice is yours. Focusing on what you want is probably the most important technique you can learn for finding success and joy in life.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower NOTE: Though this is about giving children choices, later in the chapter, it is VERY much about the TEACHER here at first. This will be pertinent for educators to understand… having a classroom of “trying to get people to do things” is a classroom of CONTROL, and the very opposite of what we’re trying to accomplish. Life is filled with choices! Think about how often we believe it is our job to make others act in a certain way.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! One of the most fundamental choices is whether to actively change ourselves, our attitudes and our actions or whether to spend energy trying to make others change. THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN MAKE CHANGE IS YOURSELF! Helping children learn to choose – giving them the ability to do so – also teaches them empowerment. Choices also change the brain’s chemistry, and, in the emotional realm, provide impulse control.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! Value: Empowerment

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! Value: Empowerment Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! Value: Empowerment Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits. Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry so that learning is optimized

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! Value: Empowerment Purpose: Empowers children while you set limits. Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry So that learning is optimized Emotional Development: Builds self-esteem & willpower; Impulse Control – reduces impulsivity

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: The only person you can make change is yourself.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: The only person you can make change is yourself. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: The only person you can make change is yourself. Giving your power away sets you up to blame. Ask yourself: “How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,” rather than, “How can I get my child to _______.” SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices.

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: The only person you can make change is yours elf. Giving your power away sets you up to blame. Ask yourself, “How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,” rather than “How can I get my child to _______.” SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices. Making choices builds willpower and self-esteem. SKILL #2: Think Aloud SKILL #3: The parroting technique

PRINCIPLE #1 Practice your NEW motto The only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me. ELEVATOR ROAD RAGE SPOUSE? THROWING STICKS EXAMPLE Practice: REPEAT the new motto with me (say together several times) LET ME PROVIDE SOME EXAMPLES: Have you ever ridden in an elevator with someone who was so upset that it kept stopping to pick up people? This is a Becky example, but let’s take the book a bit further. Why might a woman act and be angry at the elevator and the people getting on the elevator every time it stopped at another floor. Heaven forbid they have a baby carriage or luggage they need to fit on the elevator. -Was this poor choices THEY MADE? YES – otherwise they wouldn’t be in a hurry. But assigning blame to others is much easier than learning to change ourselves. Ever seen a person raging in a car? Same thing – if they weren’t in such a hurry – and chose to take their time no anger would be present. -some people said that having a “choice” at that moment is “bunk.” But let’s face it - there must be a choice, because not everyone is RAGING! Accept responsibility for poor planning, choose to handle differently in the future and get on with your happy life. Anyone ever feel like their SPOUSE MADE THEM ANGRY? Ha! We need to learn to be responsible for our own needs and desires. In other words, if we want something a CERTAIN WAY, than it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to work with our partners to gain ALIGNMENT as to the IMPORTANCE of it. WE NEED TO pursue ALIGNMENT! That takes loads of communication and assertiveness and empathy and joy! Bullying does not work in the long run – only the short run – similar to with children. Counseling is a wonderful source to help open these lines of communication. Child throws sticks in classroom: “We need to be safe. If you choose to throw your sticks, I will take them away. You can tap them or roll them. What will you choose to do?”

PRINCIPLE #1 Becky says this the principle that is most challenging to her. If you believe that others can make you act or feel a certain way, then it is reasonable to assume that you can make others act in a certain way. BOTH BELIEFS ARE FALSE!!!! If we try to MAKE others do things, we prime ourselves to rely on force = FEAR! NO BONDING, NO CHOICE, NO LASTING EFFECT!

PRINCIPLE #1 STILL, these beliefs are widely held, causing great trouble in relationships and profoundly shaping how we handle discipline situations. If we try to MAKE others do things, we prime ourselves to rely on force = FEAR! NO BONDING, NO CHOICE, NO LASTING EFFECT

PRINCIPLE #1 Practice the Power of Free Will by consciously becoming aware of how often you think others are making you do or feel things. Move from operating in a victim position into operating in an empowered state! Let’s Practice your NEW motto The only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me. I will TAKE CHARGE OF ME! If we try to MAKE others do things, we prime ourselves to rely on force = FEAR! NO BONDING, NO CHOICE, NO LASTING EFFECT!

PRINCIPLE #2 THE BLAME GAME Giving your power away to children/anyone means you have put them in charge of your behavior. IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

PRINCIPLE #2 Giving your power away to children or anyone sets them up to be “pleasers” or “controllers.” It also sets you up to BLAME! IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

PRINCIPLE #2 Pleasers: Don’t want to abuse their reign as King. Controllers: Will take the power and run with it! Again setting you up to BLAME!

PRINCIPLE #2 What happens when your child fails after you’ve given them the power? Feelings of inadequacy LOW Self-Esteem Again setting you up to BLAME! Pleaser: I didn’t make you happy – I’m not good enough. Controller: You gave me the power and now you won’t let me finish what I’m doing when you gave me power. Let me try physical force or screaming! Still I don’t get what I want? Now What? I’m totally confused and feel lost and inadequate. . . .

Which of these statements is EMPOWERING? I have to balance my checkbook today. Don’t make me have to speak to you again. Let me finish reading the story and I will help you, OK? You should sit in your car seat honey. You are making us late to pick up daddy, please put on your coat. When you are quiet I will begin… Look at how you made your sister sad. I should get the dinner started. You make me so angry when you do that! Using “When I, or let me, or should, or ok” gives your power away to the children. Likewise power phrases like “Don’t make me” rely on control, NOT choice, and the REAL Power (Ie learning) comes from CHOICE, Not force.

NONE. Ineffective Communication Underline words that give power away p I have to balance my checkbook today. Don’t make me have to speak to you again. Let me finish reading the story and I will help you, OK? You should sit in your car seat honey. You are making us late to pick up daddy, please put on your coat. When you are quiet I will begin… Look at how you made your sister sad. I should get the dinner started. You make me so angry when you do that! Using “When I, or let me, or should, or ok” gives your power away to the children. Likewise power phrases like “Don’t make me” rely on control, NOT choice, and the REAL Power (Ie learning) comes from CHOICE, Not force.

RECLAIM YOUR POWER Model Empowerment vs RECLAIM YOUR POWER Model Empowerment vs. Entitlement ACTIVITY: Let’s rewrite from entitlement to empowerment I have to balance my checkbook today. Don’t make me have to speak to you again. Let me finish reading the story and I will help you, OK? You should sit in your car seat honey. You are making us late to pick up daddy, please put on your coat. When you are quiet I will begin… Look at how you made your sister sad. I should get the dinner started. You make me so angry when you do that! Using “When I, or let me, or should, or ok” gives your power away to the children. Likewise power phrases like “Don’t make me” rely on control, NOT choice, and the REAL Power (Ie learning) comes from CHOICE, Not force.

Remember the Passive teacher from Chapter 3? “Don’t make me call your mother.” You have given your power to the child. How about offering this CHOICE instead? “You can tap your sticks or roll your sticks on the floor – what will you choose? I see you chose to tap your sticks.” (parrot if needed)

CHOICES PRINCIPLE #3 IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

PRINCIPLE #3 “How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?” Rather than “How can I get my child to ______?” IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

REFRAMING BLAME p.139 1. ________ (Name) made me do it! Response: Is ____ the boss of you? NO! What could you do differently if you were the boss of you?

REFRAMING BLAME 2. ________ (Name) made me do it! Response: Is ____ the boss of you? YES! How sad! That must be hard for you with ______ bossing you all the time? Using “When I, or let me, or should, or ok” gives your power away to the children. Likewise power phrases like “Don’t make me” rely on control, NOT choice, and the REAL Power (Ie learning) comes from CHOICE, Not force.

Now we are ready to offer 2 positive choices PRINCIPLE #3 Now we are ready to offer 2 positive choices “How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?” Rather than “How can I get my child to ______?” IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

CHOICES FOR CHILDREN For children to begin making good choices the fear of punishment must be minimal Focus should be on solutions Give two POSITIVE choices so they feel empowered. NOTE: We often give ONE positive and one negative, which is NOT a choice but a manipulation!(Developmental Opposition) 2 POSITIVE Choices vs. 1 POSITIVE & 1 NEGATIVE 1 POSITIVE – 1 NEGATIVE: Child not wanting to transition: “You either put your instrument away we are leaving.” Child tearing off clothes: “YOU can choose to put on your clothes yourself or we will not stop at McDonalds for a treat (you will not get your sticker for good behavior).” -Think about the mindset of a toddler. If you give him an command that has only 1 acceptable outcome, he may dig in his heels. INSTEAD OFFER 2 POSITIVE OUTCOMES: When you offer 2 acceptable outcomes for the toddler, then he has the last word-empowered- and a productive outcome is achieved. So to the child who is pulling off his clothes while the mom is trying to leave class for the week, what could say? “You have a choice; you can put on your pants by yourself or mommy can help. Which would you choose. The child is empowered to take action. He channels his will AND curbs his impulse to strip! Ah I see you chose to put your pants on by yourself.” EXTRA INFO And What if a child decides NOT to choose either one? That produces anxiety and resistance which is the enemy of learning. Don’t obsess about what could go wrong (remember, what you focus on you get more of!) Some children have trouble making choices. Some outside-the-box thinkers resist the choice of A or B – they want C. Some just change their minds. And some don’t developmentally understand what a choice is. Becky goes into the reasons for this: stress, overload, temperament, learned opposition developmental opposition: Developmental Opposition: In OT we talk about hopping away and back (Kangaroo) It’s a journey towards self hood. It’s the time when children understand they are a separate entity from Mom… The “terrible twos” is part of this process. Often during this time, any assertive stance from an adult prompts the child to react with the opposite behavior. These children are “testing” to try and figure out their uniqueness, NOT trying to make you angry or to be bad. If you allow yourself to be dragged into a power struggle, you become part of the problem. Take a deep breath, be conscious of your thoughts and focus on what you WANT the child to do. If you slip into the opposite (“Stop crying, don’t hit) you will be IN the power struggle! Realize that coercion is the problem, NOT the answer. Recognize the child will or will not choose to operate within your framework. Rely on the power of free will! Use Parroting: Joseph, it’s time to put the instruments away. You have a choice. You can put them in the large bin or the small one. What is your choice? “NO!” He begins throwing the instruments. Joseph, it’s time to put the instruments away. Small bin or large one. What is your choice? “You can’t make me. I hate you.” Small bin or large one. What is your choice? If it escalates… calming… “You are right, Joseph, I can’t make you put the instruments away. I hope you choose to be a part of this group.” Turn and walk away. If he DOES comply, be SURE to celebrate his accomplishments with him! Recognize that it took a LOT of willpower and energy to transform his negative response…this is close to a MIRACLE. Celebrate it! (Becky has a tape entitled: Preventing Power Struggles.)

5 Step Process for Giving Choices Breathe deeply Think about what you want the child TO do!

5 Step Process for Giving Choices Breathe deeply Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! -Your attitude will lighten up the situation.

5 Step Process for Giving Choices Breathe deeply Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! State the two POSITIVE choices -Not to be confused with “do it” & “or else?” -Either 2 positive options or 2 options that are both acceptable to you.

5 Step Process for Giving Choices Breathe deeply Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! State the two POSITIVE choices Ask for a commitment –“What is your choice?” What happens if you think “WHAT IF?” This fear yields resistance

5 Step Process for Giving Choices Breathe deeply Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! State the two POSITIVE choices Ask for a commitment – i.e. “What is your choice?” Notice the choice and state with love “You chose…”

Activity to Give 2 Positive Choices Provide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios SCENE: Playing with Food p.143 SCENE: Listening SCENE: Finishing work

HOW DID YOU DO? Discussion P. 156 Activity to Give 2 Positive Choices Provide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios HOW DID YOU DO? Discussion P. 156 What was CHALLENGING?

Making Choices Builds Willpower And Self-Esteem PRINCIPLE #4 IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

Think about that statement for a moment . . . PRINCIPLE #4 A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem. Think about that statement for a moment . . . IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

Think about that statement for a moment . . . PRINCIPLE #4 A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem. Think about that statement for a moment . . . To really make a choice, you must make a decision and accept the consequences of that decision! IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

It is IMPOSSIBLE to make your own choices PRINCIPLE #4 p.144 It is IMPOSSIBLE to make your own choices and simultaneously try to please others. Women – BEWARE Women are socialized to please others! Becky’s “lunch location” conversation example IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

PRINCIPLE #4 As a PARENT You cannot set limits and take care of your child’s feelings at the same time. IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

Children who have trouble making choices are: PRINCIPLE #4 Children who have trouble making choices are: Those who refuse to make a choice a) Point out to the child the many choices they are always making (Examples) b) Offer the child small choices that involve closeness with you. (Ease child toward independence, but still create autonomy) c) Model acceptance of mistakes, theirs and ours. SKILL #2

THINK ALOUD SKILL Read Page 146 Bottom PRINCIPLE #4 THINK ALOUD SKILL Read Page 146 Bottom Shows children how to handle mistakes while helping to eliminate the behavior for the future.

Children who have trouble making choices are: PRINCIPLE #4 Children who have trouble making choices are: Those who Refuse to make a choice Those who Resist the Structure (Give A or B – they pick C) Power Struggle: Developmental or Learned Opposition? Has learned resistance as a way to get needs met. Children learn resistance in 3 Basic ways. Parenting that fails to meet the child’s needs (Infancy baby needs met – hunger, warmth, comfort) Permissive parenting (Child learns that you don’t mean what you say, and sadly that includes the words “I love you” to be doubted as well. Serious Family Troubles (divorce, alcoholic parent, etc)

Developmental Opposition Researchers call this natural process PRINCIPLE #4 Power Struggle Developmental Opposition Researchers call this natural process “individuation separation” This process transforms a hepless, dependant infant into a person with a unique identity.

To Help with Developmental Opposition PRINCIPLE #4 To Help with Developmental Opposition Resist Power Struggle Stay with what you WANT Use the Parroting Technique - Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148 - CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles” 4. This process transforms a helpless, dependant infant into a person with a unique identity.

THE PARROTING TECHNIQUE p. 148 PRINCIPLE #4 THE PARROTING TECHNIQUE p. 148 - Let’s Practice: How Many Times? - CD’s entitled: “Preventing Power Struggles” This process transforms a helpless, dependant infant into a person with a unique identity.

To Help with Developmental Opposition PRINCIPLE #4 To Help with Developmental Opposition Resist Power Struggle Stay with what you WANT Use the Parroting Technique - Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148 - CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles” 4. Recognize WILLPOWER if your child chooses to cooperate with you. This process transforms a helpless, dependant infant into a person with a unique identity.

Parenting not meeting needs PRINCIPLE #4 Power Struggle Learned Opposition This type of child has learned resistance as a way to get needs met. Children learn resistance in three basic ways. Parenting not meeting needs Permissive Parenting (Dance Around or Cave-in) Family Troubles Read P. 150 for more . . . This process transforms a hepless, dependant infant into a person with a unique identity.

Children who have trouble making choices are: PRINCIPLE #4 Children who have trouble making choices are: Those who refuse to make a choice Those who resist the structure (Give A or B – they pick C) Those who change their minds (They Pick A, then switch to B, then back) Frequent (chronic): “Attention – Hurry up world” or Infrequent: “Stress” Regress Developmentally We wouldn’t expect to teach decision-making to a 6-month old – that would be silly. Same is true of STRESSED CHILDRED – regress developmentally under stress.

Children who have trouble making choices are: PRINCIPLE #4 Children who have trouble making choices are: Those who refuse to make a choice Those who resist the structure (Give A or B – they pick C) Those who change their minds (They Pick A, then switch to B, then back) Those who developmentally do not understand what a choice is? P. 145-152 IN YOUR MIND IT ALSO ALLOWS YOU THEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY OWE YOU! YOU ARE ENTITLED!

No time like the present SKILL #4 SUMMARY CHOICES No time like the present Focus on EMPOWERMENT vs. Entitlement Change should to could then make a choice! Catch yourself thinking: “How can I get Johnny to...” and STOP Follow 5-steps to Provide Choices Use “Parroting” instead of “Power Struggles” “Think Aloud” to teach your child how to handle mistakes.