Gender & Close Friendships

Gender Lives Gender dynamics on close relationships: “MARK” “Sometimes I just don’t know what goes on in Ellen’s head, we can have a minor problem, like an issue between us, and it’s really not serious stuff. But, can we let it go? No way with Ellen. She want to talk about it. And I mean talk and talk and talk. There’s no end to how long she can talk about stuff that really doesn’t matter. I tell her that’s she’s analyzing the relationship to death, and don’t want to do that. She insists that we need to talk things through. Why can’t we just have a relationship instead of always having to talk about it? For most people socialized with masculinity- communicating is important when you need to address an issue or solve a problem, but to Paige, it’s incomprehensible that Ed want to work on his paper.

Gender Lives Personal Relationships- are relationships that those in which partners depend on each other for various things from affection to material assistance. Models of Personal Relationships The male deficit model The alternate Paths model

Two Theoretical Models of Gendered Relationship Styles Male Deficit Model Many men are not socialized to express emotions verbally Many men are unskilled at disclosure, support, and verbal expressions of feeling This makes men deficient at intimacy Alternate Paths Model Many men are not socialized to express emotions verbally Men express feelings and closeness in alternate ways--doing things with/for others Men have their own ways of experiencing & expressing closeness

Gender style friendships Gendered Style friendships Feminine friendships- closeness in dialogue Masculine friendships- closeness in doing

“Closeness in Dialogue” Women’s Friendships “Closeness in Dialogue” Face to face interaction Talk is the focus of friendship (confidants) Personal, disclosive conversation fuels feelings of closeness Support = listen, empathize, express feeling Breadth of topics discussed with intimates Friendship itself may be discussed explicitly

“Closeness in the Doing” Men’s Friendships “Closeness in the Doing” Side by side interaction Activity is the focus (companions) Doing things with and for each other fuels closeness Support = give advice, divert attention Narrower scope of knowledge & interaction Friendship seldom explicitly discussed

Friendships Between Women & Men Close friendships between women & men are increasing Research shows that in cross-sex friendships men talk more and receive more support than women Women report enjoying “less emotional intensity” in friendships with men Men report enjoying the greater emotional intensity, empathy, and verbal support in friendships with women Women report friendships with men are less close than those with women; men report the reverse (GL 205) Sexual tension is often a perceived problem

Gender Lives The Man Date Friendships between men & women

Gendered Dynamics in Romantic Relationships

Gender Lives  Developing romantic intimacy  Gender Patterns in intimate relationships  Gendered models expressing affection

Different speech communities have different vocabularies intimacy for women, it involves communicating deeply and closely for men, it’s doing things with and for others love men fall sooner, harder. for men, love is “more active, impulsive, sexualized, and game-playing” for women, “pragmatic and friendship-focused.” * In romance, feminine qualities are valued

Gender Lives  Gendered preferences for autonomy and connection  Gendered responsibility for rational health  Gendered power dynamics

Relationship work “Responsibility for Relational Health” Women generally take more responsibility for monitoring a relationship’s health Women take more responsibility for the “maintenance” work of keeping interaction going and including others

The Second Shift Women who work outside of the home often return home to a “second shift” of work-- child care and housework Approximately 20% of men in dual-worker families assume half of the responsibilities for home and children On average, men in dual-worker families today do 10% more “homework” than they did 3 decades ago-- from 20% in the 1960s to 30% today Home tasks that women typically do tend to be repetitive, simultaneous, and time bound

Psychological Responsibility The responsibility to plan, remember, coordinate, and follow-up on matters involving home and family Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Remembering medical check-ups Remembering when chores are to be done Planning meals and making sure ingredients are available Etc, etc, etc…...

Gender Lives How important s communication and joint activities in creating and sustaining intimacy?

Gender Lives Do women or men typically fall in love faster? What are we, as a society, searching for in close relationships? Are we receiving this? Why or why not? Do you think each gender has different requirements in feeling safe in a relationship? How can we change to better address the needs of both people in a relationship (either change as individuals or change some aspects of society)?