Assertive Communication Tools for Talking When Stakes are High Debra Disney, MSEd, LCPC Counselor (309) 671-5177 ddisney@methodistcol.edu Office 606

Objectives Participants will be able to: Compare and contrast pros and cons of 4 different styles of communication (Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive) Identify Non-Violent Communication as a form of assertive communication Create assertive responses to various case studies Define and give examples of “Crucial Conversations” Formulate a plan to prepare for a Crucial Conversation (Before a CC; During a CC; After a CC)

Manipulative-Aggressive Assertive Four Communication Styles Passive Hostile-Aggressive Manipulative-Aggressive Assertive

Do the Feelings and Needs of Others Matter? Communication Styles Communication Style Do My Feelings and Needs Matter? Do the Feelings and Needs of Others Matter? I am/ I have Passive No, not Much Yes, more than mine Powerless Hostile Aggressive YES, more than yours No, not much Overpowering Manipulative-Aggressive Yes, but I won’t say it outright No, not much, but I won’t say it outright A hidden agenda Assertive YES Earned Power

Communication Styles Case Study At 4:00, you are approached by a coworker who asks you to finish a project he has started. He needs to leave early. You realize that the project can’t possibly get finished by 5:00, the time you usually leave work. You have already made plans to meet an old friend for dinner.

Communication Styles Possible Responses: Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive “Sure, I’ll finish it for you.” And you do, even though you have to stay until 7:00. Why would a person respond passively? Scared to say “no” or has no practice saying “no.” Doesn’t think their needs are as important as others’ needs. Doesn’t want anyone to be mad at them. Maybe has been raised to believe you always have to help others.

Communication Styles Consequences to responding passively? You have ignored your own needs to satisfy the needs of another. You miss your dinner date and let down your friend. You might feel frustrated, bitter, annoyed, or victimized. You don’t feel great about the situation, but you keep telling yourself you have done the “right thing.” Maybe another “brick” has been added to the wall of resentment.

Communication Styles Possible Responses: Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive “Why should I help YOU out? I have my own plans for the evening.” And you walk away. Why would a person respond in a hostile-aggressive manner? Maybe you think your needs are more important than the needs of others Maybe you already have a bad relationship with the other person. Maybe you are already feeling a great deal of stress.

Communication Styles Consequences to responding in a hostile-aggressive manner? You get your needs met, but you have been a bully, implying that the needs of others are not important. The other person feels uncomfortable, angry, or embarrassed. The relationship is damaged. That person may never ask you for a favor again, but you also will probably never be able to ask him for a favor either. Maybe another “brick” has been added to the wall of resentment.

Communication Styles Possible Responses: Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive “Sure, I’ll finish it for you.” And you work on his project until 5:00 and then leave to meet your friend. Your coworker’s project isn’t finished, but then that’s not YOUR problem. You’ll just explain to him tomorrow that you did all you possibly could. He could get into trouble, but it WAS his ultimate responsibility. Why would a person respond in a manipulative-aggressive manner? You are afraid to say no, but you still think your needs are more important.

Communication Styles Consequences to a manipulative-aggressive response? You appeared to be passive and compliant, but you end up being the aggressor. You have not helped your coworker. In fact, he might get into trouble. You have not been honest about your own needs. You will be viewed as a wolf in sheep’s clothing – not trustworthy.

Communication Styles Possible Responses: Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive 4) “I have a previous engagement. I’m sorry I can’t help. I need to honor my previous commitment. In the future, if you ask me with some advance warning, I’d be more able to help. Why would a person respond in an assertive manner? You respect that the feelings/needs of the other are important, yet you also honor your own feelings/needs.

Communication Styles Consequences of an assertive response? You have established clear boundaries between yourself and others. You feel good about yourself because you have been honest and direct. You made your needs known in a respectful way. You have maintained a positive relationship with your coworker. You seem trustworthy to those around you.

Communication Styles Advantages to Assertive Communication: Generates mutual respect and trust Facilitates collaboration Maintains the relationship and feelings of SAFETY Contributes to self-esteem Possible Disadvantages: Takes time Requires risk Requires skill and practice

“Communicating with Compassion” This is one model of ASSERTIVE communication www.cnvc.org Center for Non-violent Communication

Communicating with Compassion www.cnvc.org A Brief History Marshall Rosenberg, PhD Witnessed a need for better communication Jewish boy raised in a Catholic neighborhood in the 60’s Racial equality Women’s rights Developed this model and taught it To nations who were at war to Fortune 500 companies to school districts to families

Empathetically listening: observations feelings needs requests 2 parts and 4 components to this model Empathetically listening: observations feelings needs requests Honestly expressing: observations feelings needs requests (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication Website: www.cnvc.org

NVC – a form of assertive communication Observation: I have a previous engagement. Feeling: I’m sorry I can’t help. Need: I need to honor my previous commitment. Request: In the future, if you ask me with some advance warning, I’d be more able to help.

NVC – a form of assertive communication Practice Scenarios Word has gotten back to you that someone you work with has been gossiping about you to others. This is not the first time this has happened. However, you have never raised the issue directly with this person in the past. You have finally decided to address the situation. Give examples of a response for each of the 4 communication styles: Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive Assertive might include: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request

Some “Feeling” Words Some “Needs” Afraid Angry Respect Annoyed Confused Frustrated Hurt Betrayed Tired Disconnected Devastated Miserable Sad Guilty Tense Nervous Respect Acceptance Communication Inclusion Contribution Understanding Trust

NVC – a form of assertive communication Practice Scenarios Observation: I have heard that you said _____ about me. Feeling: I feel ____ (hurt, betrayed, angry) Need: I need to know that I can trust the people I work with. Request: I’m asking you to treat me the way you would want to be treated - with respect.

NVC – a form of assertive communication Practice Scenarios You are working on a group project with 3 of your peers. You have found out that the other 3 have been meeting without you. In addition, they have been submitting parts of the project to the supervisor without your approval. Give examples of a response for each of the 4 communication styles: Passive; Hostile-Aggressive; Manipulative-Aggressive; Assertive Assertive might include: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request

Some “Feeling” Words Some “Needs” Afraid Angry Respect Annoyed Confused Frustrated Hurt Betrayed Tired Disconnected Devastated Miserable Sad Guilty Tense Respect Acceptance Communication Inclusion Contribution Understanding Trust

NVC – a form of assertive communication Practice Scenarios Observation: The group met without me in attendance yesterday. Feeling: I feel ____ (hurt, betrayed, angry, confused) Need: I need to be a contributing member. Request: I would consider it a sign of respect if you would include me in future meetings.

NVC – a form of assertive communication Attending to Both Sides of the Conversation There are times where you may need to attend to both sides of the conversation, first in listening mode, and then in expressing mode. Once the other person knows that you understand his/her feelings/needs/requests they might be more ready to hear YOUR feelings/needs/requests.

NVC – a form of assertive communication Attending to Both Sides of the Conversation After being in LISTENING MODE, be sure to check in and make sure you got it right . “Am I understanding correctly?” Then move into the mode of “honestly expressing” your own feelings/needs/requests.

What is a Crucial Conversation? A discussion between two or more people stakes are high opinions vary emotions run strong Can you think of everyday situations (at home, school, hospital) that could become crucial conversations?

Crucial Conversations Topics that could easily turn into crucial conversations: Ending a relationship Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior Approaching a boss who is breaking his/her own safety or quality policies Critiquing a colleague’s work Asking a roommate to move out Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex-spouse Dealing with a rebellious teen Talking to a team member who is not keeping commitments Discussing problems with sexual intimacy Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources Giving an unfavorable performance review Asking in-laws to quit interfering Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem

Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson

Crucial Conversations When we face Crucial Conversations what can we do? 1. Face the crucial conversations and handle them well Potential to enhance careers, communities, relationships, personal health 2. Violence/Silence (Fight/Flight) It would be nice if we felt skilled enough to face the crucial conversations and handle them well. Doing so has the potential to enhance our connections with other people, which would certainly lower our stress, boosting our immune systems, so we could enjoy better personal health. But it would also create calmer, safer communities, with fewer riots, fewer school shootings, maybe even politicians who could discuss the issues instead of demonize one another! Sometimes we can actually accomplish facing the CC and handle them well. But perhaps more often what do we do? Face them poorly or Avoid them   ®   We’re designed for fight or flight! Our blood pressure rises, posture stiffens, and adrenaline pumps.    ®   We start reacting with the emotional part of the brain instead of the thinking part of the brain. ®   We start saying and doing things that do not get us any good thing that we want. Why do we care? Why do we care enough to become skilled at facing the CC and handling them well? Violence (Fight) Silence (Flight) Face the CC, but not well Attack the others’ ideas and feelings Not face the CC

Crucial Conversations handout Briefly describe a situation (current, past, or future) that meets the description for a Crucial Conversation. (This is for your eyes only.)

the Crucial Conversation Groundwork Before the Crucial Conversation 1. Start with the Heart

Groundwork Before Starting 1a. KNOW YOURSELF Be aware of possible signs within yourself Physical signs – perhaps your stomach gets tight; heart starts racing Emotional signs – you might realize you are scared, hurt, angry Behavioral signs your voice is raised? your finger is pointing? you get very quiet?

Groundwork Before Starting 1b. What do you really want? Strive for a pure motive. What do I want? (for yourself, others, and the relationship) How would I behave if I really wanted these results? Be aware of behavior that could really lead to NOT getting these results, and avoid that behavior. 1.  Start with the heart. Begin high-risk conversations with the right motives, and stay focused no matter what happens. Moment of truth – focus on what you really want. What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? As much fun as it would be to fix other people, we need to work on ourselves first. We need to examine our personal role in any problem we encounter. Wanting to win, seeking revenge, or avoiding to remain safe are not tactics that drive desired outcomes. Refuse the “sucker’s choice” (set up as only having two options to consider – either/or) by offering the elusive “and” questions which force people to think. “Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?”

Groundwork Before Starting 1c. What do you really NOT want? What are you afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win? from your current strategy of trying to stay safe? What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? What bad thing will happen if you do not try to escape? 1.  Start with the heart. Begin high-risk conversations with the right motives, and stay focused no matter what happens. Moment of truth – focus on what you really want. What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? As much fun as it would be to fix other people, we need to work on ourselves first. We need to examine our personal role in any problem we encounter. Wanting to win, seeking revenge, or avoiding to remain safe are not tactics that drive desired outcomes. Refuse the “sucker’s choice” (set up as only having two options to consider – either/or) by offering the elusive “and” questions which force people to think. “Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?”

Groundwork Before Starting 1d. Is there a way to both get what you want AND NOT get what you do not want? Keep this as your focus. 1.  Start with the heart. Begin high-risk conversations with the right motives, and stay focused no matter what happens. Moment of truth – focus on what you really want. What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? As much fun as it would be to fix other people, we need to work on ourselves first. We need to examine our personal role in any problem we encounter. Wanting to win, seeking revenge, or avoiding to remain safe are not tactics that drive desired outcomes. Refuse the “sucker’s choice” (set up as only having two options to consider – either/or) by offering the elusive “and” questions which force people to think. “Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?”

1e. Master the Stories Event Tell a Happens Story Feel Act Feelings do not just happen, and others cannot MAKE us feel something. We are responsible for our own feelings. An event occurs. We tell ourselves a story about it, to help us make sense of the world. Victim story – “It’s not my fault.” Villain Story – “It’s all your fault.” Helpless Story – “There is nothing else I can do.” A feeling arises We either react to the story or we can choose to tell ourselves a different story. Feelings do not just happen. We see what others’ do or hear what others’ say We tell ourselves a story about it, to help us make sense of the world. Storytelling happens blindingly fast. If we take control of our stories, they will not take control of us. Be aware of not confusing “stories” with facts.

Groundwork Before Starting Master the Stories What is the worst and most hurtful way I can take this? (leads to defensiveness) vs Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person think, feel, or act this way? (leads to curiosity) What is the worst and most hurtful way I can take this? This negative spin escalates our emotionns and causes us to do the worst when it matters the most. It is hard to feel defensive and curious at the same time.

the Crucial Conversation During the Crucial Conversation 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

During the Crucial Conversation 2. Make it safe The other person will relax and can absorb what you are saying The first 30 seconds can set the course for the rest of the conversation Refrain from diving into the content immediately First show that you care about the other and their interests. Their defenses drop and they listen to you. People tend to get defensive because of why they think you are saying what you are saying (your intent) rather than because of the content of what you are saying. 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

During the Crucial Conversation Making it Safe 2a. Mutual Respect – the other person needs to know that you care about them. 2b. Mutual Purpose – the other person needs to know that you care about their best interests and goals 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

During the Crucial Conversation 2c. Notice When Safety is at Risk When safety breaks down, silence or violence can follow. Pay attention to early warning signs Watch your actions/emotions Watch the actions/emotions of the other person Be willing to take a 20-minute break for physiology to return to normal 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

During the Crucial Conversation Re-establishing Safety 2d. Apologize when appropriate 2e. Contrasting (don’t/do statement to fix misunderstanding) The don’t part: “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I do not value your work.” The do part: “Your contribution to this team is important.” 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

During the Crucial Conversation 3. Communicate Assertively Whether you are in Listening Mode or Expressing Mode Observation Might include describing the gap between what you expected and what happened. State the facts, not your version of the “story.” Feeling Need Request When in listening mode, remember to check in and ask whether you got it right. During the Crucial Conversation 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

the Crucial Conversation After the Crucial Conversation 4. Move to Action WHO does WHAT by WHEN and HOW will you follow-up? 2.  Learn to look. Watch not only for content, but also for conditions (e.g., a safe environment – dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning). Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear. When people feel unsafe they move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or violence (trying to force meaning into the pool by convincing, labeling, or attacking). Look at your own style in times of stress. Self-monitoring isn’t easy.

‘No, you stupid idiot,’ I said, ‘that’s my house.’ People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. So I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn’t the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. ‘No, you stupid idiot,’ I said, ‘that’s my house.’

Crucial Conversations Additional Tips for Assertive Communication Try not to take what they are saying personally. Separate your feelings about the speaker from the message. If you are listening to someone you dislike, you may feel negative about the content of the message even before you have heard the full message. Let the speaker know you are paying attention. Make eye contact Lean forward toward the speaker Make brief verbal responses, such as “mm-hm”

Crucial Conversations Practice Remember: Safety First Safety During Safety After The key to making a complete and clear plan, free from all assumptions (and thus improving accountability), is to make sure to include four key components: Who? Attach someone’s name to the task. We is too vague. There is no we in accountability. For accountability to work, people need to know exactly what is expected of them. Does what? Provide a detailed description of the exact behaviors you are looking for. Don’t take the what for granted. Ask if there are any questions about quality or quantity. Ask what might be unclear that has to be clarified now, in advance. By when? Time is a concept of our own construction. It comes with specific numbers. It’s quantifiable and exact. No, ASAP is not exact. Be specific about milestones and deadlines. Follow up. Finally, decide when and how you’ll follow up on what’s supposed to happen. Consider risk (e.g., how crucial is the task), trust (e.g., how well has this person performed in the past), and competence (how experienced is this person in this area). Walk the fine line between micromanaging and abandonment.

Crucial Conversations Practice with Personal Experience How would you describe a “peaceful resolution?” You believe that your feelings/needs/requests were heard and respected. You heard and respected the feelings/needs/requests of the other. You both felt SAFE, so the relationship is enhanced. You tried to find a win/win solution, but if not, at least the relationship did not suffer.

Crucial Conversations Summary Of the 4 main communication styles, assertive communication tends to help to build and maintain productive, mutually satisfying relationships. The key techniques for assertive communication: Making it safe for all involved Attending to feelings, needs, requests of both you and the other Using “I” statements Take breaks if your physiology is moving toward fight/flight Success takes practice! Don’t give up. It is worth the effort.