Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?

Right where you left him.

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...

12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?

A beer and a mop.

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?

He loved it, but it scared his dog.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?

They're going to call it FED UP!

Doctor : “I think you have Tom Jones syndrome." Man : "Is it common?"

Doctor : "It's not unusual."

Why could the pony not talk?

Because he was a little hoarse

What goes "ha ha ha, plop"? A. Someone laughing their head off.

Someone laughing their head off.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

Granddad comes home from his doctor and, though usually quite active with his grand-children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day. His son notices his dad avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.

Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to his son. The Grandfather said, "Read that label. That's why!" The son takes the bottle and reads:

"Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

"A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home." Rodney Dangerfield

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk." Rita Rudner

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." Yogi Berra

"Thank God I'm an atheist." Unknown

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'." Charlie Brownis Bunuel

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed." Bruce Lee

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen

Did you hear about the man that dreamt he ate a giant marshmallow?

He woke up and found his pillow was missing!

"If toast always lands butter- side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemorrhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it? Sal Davino

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." Homer Simpson

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Globol

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?

He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?

You take me for grunted.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

Two old men are sitting on a bench, one man saw a dog by the other man and asked if his dog bites. The man said no. So the other man reaches down to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The Man said "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite". The other man said "that's not my dog".

After the two turtles collided, the policeman asked the snail what he saw. The snail said, "I don't know officer. It all happened so fast."

Did you hear about the fellow from Los Angeles who passed out on a cruise ship?

They had to hold him over the exhaust to revive him.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

"I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn- signal fluid."

"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"

"The older you get, the better you get…unless you are a banana"

"There are three kinds of people… Those who can count, and those who can't."

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

“I bought a metronome for 20 bucks. You can't beat that price.”

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year- old was resisting a rest.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

Math teachers have lots of problems.