0 Berghmans Lhoist Chaired Professor in Entrepreneurial Leadership Founding Director, Wendel International Centre for Family Enterprise INSEAD - Europe and Asia Randel Carlock Exploring and Strengthening Your Family Communication

Dad, why don’t you communicate your caring or love?

This Workshop is about You and Your Communication Sonja Lyubomirsky. Positive Psychology Studies on Happiness International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA) at the quarterly Leader's Series held on December 10, Nature and nurture account for about 60 percent of a person's ability to interact and experience the world. -Nature: genetics, DNA, biology -Nurture: environment, parenting, family, childhood Individual behavior accounts for about 40 percent of a person's effectiveness and happiness. Intentional activities including habits, actions, and thought patterns based on how a person chooses to behave.

Effective communication is listening to create a dialogue between two or more persons with a goal of sharing information. The communication process is completed when the receiver has understood the sender’s message through feedback. What is Communication? The Basis of All Relationships Communication is when one person affects another; it includes all human behavior.

Extended Family Financial Environment Work/career/v ocation Community/so ciety Marriage/ partnership Friends Positive Interpersonal Relationships Make a Happy Life Happiness Dimensions of a Life Financial Environment Spiritual Growth & learning Health & fitness Spiritual Growth & learning Health & fitness Next generation Extended Family Work/career/ vocation Community/s ociety Marriage/ partnership Friends Relationship Dimensions of a Life Next generation

Source: Olson, D., Sprenkle, D., & Russell, C. (1979). The Circumplex Model of Marriage and Family Systems: Cohesion and Adaptability Dimensions, Family Types and Clinical Applications. Family Process, 18, 3-28 (original research, modified three times). Family Functioning: The Circumplex Model Cohesion describes the family’s emotional bonding (closeness) Flexibility describes the family’s ability to change relationships, roles and rules (adaptability) Communication is the tool to learn new behaviors and meaning

10/2/ Cohesion: Family Connections, Love, Closeness Separateness – togetherness: How does your family balance? Family closeness: How close do family members feel to each other? Loyalty: How loyal are family members? Activities: Do people usually engage in activities alone or together? Independent – dependent: How independent (or dependent) are family members?

Flexibility: Family Control is about the Family’s Rules Leadership: Is power shared between parents/adults? Communication: How are differences or conflicts negotiated in your family? Roles: Are family members restricted to certain roles? Rules: Do rules seem appropriate for age of family members? Have the rules evolved over time? Change: How adaptable is your family to change?

Communications Improves Family Relationships 1.There is a good degree of closeness between family members 2.There is good quality communication between family members 3.The family works to resolve conflicts 4.The family effectively discusses problems 5. Criticism is fair 6. It improves the quality of your sex life 7. I have a real concern for my extended family 8. I am satisfied with how we communicate with each other 9. My family members express affection to each other 10. My family members are able to ask each other for what they want Source: Circumplex Model of Family Couple Functioning. Olson, D.. (2003)

Exercise: Family Communication Questionnaire Listed below are a series of statements that represent possible feelings that individuals might have about their family. Based on your feelings about your family, please indicate your degree of agreement or disagreement with each statement by using one of the five response choices below to rate each statement. Total your points as a tool for discussing family communications. RESPONSE CHOICES For each of the following statements, choose the number that best describes your family: _____1.Family members are satisfied with how we communicate with each other. _____2.Family members are good listeners. _____3.Family members express affection to each other. _____4.Family members talk about important issues. _____5.When angry, family members avoid saying things that would be better left unsaid. _____6.Family members discuss their beliefs and ideas with each other. _____7.When family members ask questions of each other, we get honest answers. _____8.Family members try to understand each other’s feelings. _____9.Family members calmly discuss problems with each other. _____10.We express our true feelings to each other _____ Total Points 1 DOES NOT describe our family at all 2 SLIGHTLY describes our family 3 SOMEWHAT describes our Family 4 GENERALLY describes our family 5 VERY WELL describes our family © 1996 D. H. Olson. Family Social Science. University of Minnesota. Modified 1999 by Randel S. Carlock

Family Communication Assessment Scoring Family Communications Effectiveness Rating Communications Score Very High50-44 High43-38 Moderate37-33 Low32-29 Very Low28-15

Communication: Two Simultaneous & Interactive Roles Receiver Decoding the message Developing a thought or idea Feedback to sender Sender Encoding a message about a thought or idea Receiving feedback Thought Sending Miscommunication Feedback

Communication is not Easy for many Reasons Encoding message Sending the message Our careers are going well and I think we need a new car! Decoding message I agree! A new car will be great for our family! Sending the message Encoding message

Three Dimensions of Effective Communication Agreements, Location, Activities Listening and hearing Beliefs, Thinking and Feelings Communication Skills Psychological Factors Process, Structures and Environment Deep Listening Reflective Listening Self-disclosure

Human Barriers to Effective Communication Communication Skills Communications behaviors and skills: Listening with respect, empathy, reflecting, “I” statements, self disclosure, clarity, continuity, or valuing the relationship. Psychology Personality: Our narcissistic tendencies to focus on ourselves, rather than the other person. Painful or difficult communication stimulate defense mechanisms like avoidance, denial or blame. Beliefs, values, goals and culture: Humans understand something new based on their experiences. We listen uncritically to persons who agree with us while we struggle with difference. Process and environmental Shared goals, processes for communicating, clear roles, the right location or space, eliminating noise or any other stimulus that provides a potential distraction.

Exercise Two Minutes Deep Listening Skills Versus Multi Task Listening 1.Find your mobile telephone. Write down the name and number of an important call you received this week and need to return. 2.DO NOT think about the conflict you had this morning. 1.Write down on a white card something you need to do at work this afternoon after our workshop. 2.Write down what you are planning for dinner. 2.While doing the above, TURN to the person next to you and both of describe and share a successful communication experience. Take out your mobile phone, some papers, reading and a pen.

Confrontational listening Engaged but thinking of rebuttals, your ideas and point of view etc. Deep listening Outside of yourself, aware of both content and meaning, hearing with your 3 rd ear Active listening Very focused on what the other person, reflecting their ideas, words and thinking Conversational listening Casual listening, not deeply engaged, appearing interested Engaging in several tasks including text And conversation Multi task listening Communications Skill One: Deeper Levels of Listening

Exercise One Deep Listening Means Deep Respect Respect and Valuing the Relationship Effectiveness High Low Lack of respect for Feelings of others Somewhat respectful of others feelings Consistently respectful of other’s feelings

Communications Skill Two: Reflective/Active Listening The human tendency to judge, evaluate, and approve any emotionally meaningful statement is a major barrier to interpersonal communication Using another person’s words and ideas is being reflective. It connects you with what the other person considers important. Curiosity to hear what the other person hears, feels and what life is like for another person. Feelings are “facts” and we need to recognize ours and accept others. Listening helps you because as you learn to listen you become more accepting of yourself. Source: Carl Rogers, Barriers and Gateways to Communication

Exercise Two - Two Minutes Reflective Listening - Play Both Roles 1.EACH PERSON: Write down one idea you want to share about a communication challenge you face at work or home. 2.SPEAKER: Share your idea. 1.LISTENER: Carefully listen to the speaker’s every word and then make two comments or ask questions using some of the speaker’s specific words. It sounds like you have a “struggle talking with your partner about dual careers”... or “talking about dual careers” is always tough.. 2.Trade roles and do the exercise again.

Exercise Two Demonstrating Reflective or Active Listening Reflective Listening Effectiveness HighLow Seldom reflects ideas Sometimes reflects ideas Often reflects ideas Reflective listening starts with hearing not speaking Reflective listening demonstrates hearing and empathy Reflective listening means refusing to think for the other Reflective listening is learning to discover the other person’s inner qualities

Exercise Three - Two Minutes Communications Skill Two: Self-disclosure “I” Statements 1.EACH PERSON: Write down on a white card a serious communication challenge you have recently faced in your family or personal life. 2.SPEAKER: Turn to the person next to you and share your communication challenge. 3.LISTENER: Attempt to connect with the speaker by sharing something about your experience being carefully so speak briefly. 4.Trade roles and do the exercise again.

Values based (I believe) Self disclosure (I am sad) Demonstrated commitment to relationships (I need you) Strengthens family relationships based on trust (I am hurt) Key activity for problem-solving (I can help) Self-disclosure and “I” Statements Effectiveness High Low Moderate sharing of feelings High sharing of feelings Low sharing of feelings “I” Statements Speaks mainly for oneself Speaks for oneself more than for others Often speaks for others Self-disclosure

Skills for Effective Interpersonal Communications Effectiveness HighLow Clarity Continuity/ Tracking Incongruence between verbal & non-verbal messages Speaking skills- I Statements Seldom reflects ideas Sometimes reflects ideas Often reflects ideas Lack of respect for Feelings of others Respect valuing the relationship Somewhat respectful of others feelings Consistently respectful of other’s feelings Listening skill- reflecting Some clarity, but not consistent across time Verbal messages very clear Frequent/ inappropriate topic changes Topic changes not consistently appropriate Appropriate topic changes Speaks mainly for oneself Speaks for oneself more than for others Often speaks for others Self-disclosure Low sharing of feelings High sharing of feelings Moderate sharing of feelings

Dad why Didn’t you Just Say It? I love you son!

Thank you for Listening “When you say I love you, is that just to remind yourself?” Listening may be the most beautiful gift that we can give someone, it is like telling the other person: You are important to me, you are interesting, I am happy that you are here. All without saying a word!