Building and managing the mentoring relationship

Building the Mentoring Relationship – Empathy and Rapport This section of the advanced mentor training aims to show the student mentor the importance of empathy and rapport in building a good mentoring relationship.

The Process of Mentoring: Building Empathy Being open to the ideas of others. Showing sensitivity to the values and feelings of others. Showing you are interested and you understand. Showing an awareness that everyone has their own perspective or mental model. People are different, some are practical and deal with facts whereas others use metaphors or images. The ‘empathy builder’ notices this and reflects back through matching and mirroring. Reflecting back - reflects back what the person is a saying. What do you think empathy is? When have you experienced it?

The Process of Mentoring: Building Rapport Rapport can happen naturally but more often it grows out of a series of communications as trust develops. It is built through upholding confidentiality, showing warmth, demonstrating good listening ability and being empathic. You can encourage this by the way you look and present yourself, using positive body language and gestures, the tone of voice and carefully chosen language. Think about a relationship you’ve had with little or no rapport – how did you know, what was missing?

Carefully chosen language – Jargon busting Remember that not everyone understands ‘specialist’ words or jargon. This is particularly important when working with young people who have had little experience of Higher Education. Words such as those below can be confusing and intimidating: HE, FE, Degree, Seminar, Lecture, Tutorial, Undergraduate, Faculty, BA, BSc, Campus... What can you do about this as an Outreach Ambassador?

Establishing the relationship Your work as an Outreach Ambassador may involve working with an individual or a group over a period of time. This enables you to establishing a positive relationship. You do this through your mentoring skills and making it clear you are ‘on their side.’ You are there to help, to inform, to listen. Be clear about the purpose and expectations of the relationship. What is the contract? How long will it last? How often will you meet? In order to build rapport and trust there needs to be confidentiality – however there is a need to break this if you have reason to believe that a young person under 18 or a vulnerable adult is being abused. What are the building blocks necessary for establishing a positive helping relationship?

A professional approach The way you present yourself is important in building trust, respect and a successful mentoring experience. Be punctual, reliable and appropriately dressed. Do what you say you will do. Know the limits of what you are going to do so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. Be personable - smile, show an interest, be aware of people’s needs, listen. Be prepared – show good organisation, have all materials at hand, be aware of Health ands Safety issues. Be positive – always look for the good side, use humour appropriately. Avoid criticising. Be honest – if you don’t know the answer, say so, but suggest a way to find out.

Telling your story As a champion of the University of Worcester one of the best ways of building trust with your mentee’s and communicating the advantages of HE is to tell your story. What is your background, what are you studying and why? What has your journey been like. Talk about your feelings as well as the facts. Be honest but positive. Expect a wide range of questions some of which will be surprising.

Emotional Intelligence A key aspect of successful mentoring is emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize your emotions, understand what they're telling you, and realize how your emotions affect people around you. Emotional intelligence also involves your perception of others: when you understand how they feel, this allows you to manage relationships more effectively.

Emotional Intelligence This is essentially being aware of your own feelings and those of others. People with high EQ are able to recognise and label their own feelings take responsibility for their feelings and use them to make choices They respect the feelings of others and don’t blame, command, criticise, control or judge others It’s about managing ourselves and understanding others. Those with low EQ may lack confidence and motivation. Think of a time when you had strong feelings about study issue e.g. some criticism about your work. How did you respond to them?

Emotional Intelligence "The ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions and to regulate emotions to promote personal growth." Salovey & Mayer (2001) Perceiving emotions – the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artefacts — including the ability to identify one's own emotions. Using emotions – the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand.

Emotional Intelligence Understanding emotions – the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time. Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals.

Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman (1999) suggests these: Self-awareness – the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions. Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances. Social skill – managing relationships to move people in the desired direction Empathy - considering other people's feelings especially when making decisions. Motivation - being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.

Improving Emotional Intelligence Being aware of how others learn and how they respond are parts of developing an emotional intelligence. Being aware of others feelings and your own and relating intelligently help build good mentoring relationships. Observe how you react to people. Don’t rush to judge other people. Try to put yourself in their place, and try to be more aware of their point of view and needs. Put the focus on your mentee, give them a chance to develop, don’t worry about getting praise for yourself.

Improving Emotional Intelligence How you react to stressful situations. Keep your emotions under control when things go wrong. Learn to stay calm and in control in difficult situations so that your mentee does not over-react. Take responsibility for your actions. If you hurt someone's feelings or make a mistake, apologize directly. People are usually more understanding and able to forgive and forget if you are open and honest about your mistakes. Be aware of how your actions will affect others, put yourself in their place. Think before you act!

Prompting action and moving on It is good to encourage others to commit to a next step. As a mentor and Outreach Ambassador you can help this process by asking commitment questions. A good techniques is to ask for a score: For example: ‘Out of 10, how committed are you to attending the open day at the university?’ Think of a time when you made a commitment which changed your life. What was the process you went through?

Moving on and endings… As the mentoring and Outreach work comes to a close it’s important that this is done smoothly. It is good to plan for this so there is time to reflect on what has been achieved. It is always good to summarise what you have done together and to thank people for their contributions and engagement. If possible this can be a closing event of some kind. This is especially appropriate for a group.

Moving on and endings… There is often a degree of sadness and regret at the ending of an effective relationship. It is important that the relationship finishes on a positive note and celebrates success in the final review. It is useful to provide contact details for the university or department but not your personal details.

Any Questions?