Top Ten Church Bulletin Mistakes

10 The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear’s “Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9 Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

8 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

7 Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

6 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

5 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4 The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

3 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

2 Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

1 Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.

Top Ten Newspaper Classified Mistakes

10 Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

9 Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

8 Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

7 Three year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

6 Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

5 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

4 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

3 Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2 Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

1 Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Actual Comments Received by the Welfare Department in Application for Support

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my eighth. What are you going to do about it?

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married for a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Actual Comments on Resumés

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

Am a perfectionist and rearely if if ever forget details.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain.

Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job hopping’. I have never quit a job.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.