Wednesday, October 1 Revising Paragraphs IPHY 3700 Writing Process Map

Diagnostic Questions for Revising Paragraphs 1. To what extent do the paragraph's sentences reflect unity, or "oneness" in topic, message, and purpose (goal)? 2. How effective is the topic sentence (if the paragraph needs one)? 3. How effective is the coherence, or the flow in meaning and logic from sentence to sentence? 4. How effective is the pattern of idea development? 5. To what extent is the structure of successive sentences coordinated when it should be coordinated? 6. To what extent does the structure of successive sentences vary when it should vary? 7. How effectively are successive paragraphs designed (that is, how do they look on the page)? 8. How successively are ideas in paragraphs developed with appropriate support, examples, reasoning, and so on? (This question overlaps with diagnosing content.)

Diagnosing Topic Sentences 1. Ask, "Does the paragraph have a sentence that captures the central topic, main message, and rhetorical goal? If not, does the paragraph need one?" 2. Ask, "Does the topic sentence effectively capture the central topic, main message and, most important, rhetorical goal for the paragraph? 3. Ask, "Is the sentence positioned effectively in the paragraph (usually at the top of a paragraph, to avoid a bottom-up structure)?" 4. Ask, "Does the sentence make a specific promise, or instill a well-defined expectation, about the content to follow? And, does the content of the paragraph fulfill the topic sentence's promise?" 5. Ask, "Does the sentence effectively forecast the structure or pattern of ideas that follow?" 6. Ask, "Does the sentence effectively establish the logical relationship between the paragraph and surrounding paragraphs?“

How effective is the coherence (that is, the flow in meaning and logic from sentence to sentence)? Questions for Diagnosing Gaps and Breaks in Coherence: 1. Are there drastic shifts in the topic, message, or goal? 2. Are the paragraph’s ideas ordered ineffectively? 3. Are key inferences missing?key inferences 4. Does the idea in the current sentence fail to meet readers’ expectations (based on the idea in the previous sentence)? 5. Is there a lack of parallel structure (when parallel structure is warranted)? 6. Are necessary transitions and "meaning links” lacking? 7. Is the problem that the whole thing just doesn't flow?

Paragraph #1: From the discussion section of Golay et al.'s research paper (1) In this study we evaluated the effects of low-energy diets that varied substantially in their relative proportions of fat and carbohydrate on both weight loss and various metabolic endpoints. (2) The amount of weight loss was similar in response to the two diets, and was apparently independent of the amount of fat or carbohydrate in the two test diets, being related most closely to total energy intake. (3) On the other hand, variations in dietary composition did appear to modify the beneficial effects of weight loss on certain measures of carbohydrate and lipid metabolism. (4) More specifically, the fall in fasting plasma glucose, insulin, cholesterol, triacylglycerol, and HDL-cholesterol concentrations was decreased in subjects eating a low-energy diet relatively high in carbohydrate, and the changes in plasma insulin and triacylglyerol concentrations were not statistically significant in these subjects. Diagnostic Questions Diagnostic Questions || HandoutHandout

Paragraph #2: From the discussion section of Volek et al.'s research paper (1) Similar to our prior work, a significant decrease in body weight occurred during the carbohydrate-restricted diet (-2.2 kg) despite encouragement to consume more food to maintain weight, which has also been reported in previous free-living low-carbohydrate diet interventions. (2) The small but nonsignificant reduction in voluntary dietary energy intake may have been due to fewer food choices, the higher satiety value of fat and protein, or the anorectic effect of ketosis. (3) The cumulative effect of the small reduction in dietary energy of 0.86 MJ/d (205 kcal/d) over 6 weeks would be predicted to result in a 1.1-kg weight loss, about half of the observed 2.2-kg decrease in body mass. (4) Notable was the composition of weight loss. (5) The entire loss in body weight was from fat and there was a significant increase in soft tissue lean body mass. (6) These changes occurred despite no alteration in each subject's exercise pattern. Diagnostic Questions Diagnostic Questions || HandoutHandout

Paragraph #3: From the discussion section of Volek et al.'s research paper (1) The significant decrease in fat mass indicates that adipose tissue mobilization was upregulated on the carbohydrate-restricted diet, which is also supported by the elevated ketone concentrations. (2) Inhibition of lipolysis occurs at relatively low concentrations of insulin with a half-maximal effect occurring at a concentration of 12 pmol per liter. (3) The significant reduction in insulin from 23.7 to 15.6 pmol per liter may have been permissive to mobilization of body fat on the carbohydrate restricted diet. (4) Although a cause and effect relationship cannot be established, it is interesting to note that there was a significant correlation between the decrease in insulin concentrations and the decrease in body fat on the carbohydrate- restricted diet. (5) We acknowledge the limitations associated with measuring circulating concentrations of hormones, which do not necessarily reflect changes in hormone biosynthesis/secretion or receptor uptake and signal induction. (6) Thus, other hormones that affect lipid metabolism that were either not measured (e.g., growth hormone, epinephrine) or not correlated to the change in fat mass (e.g., cortisol, glucagon) may have also contributed to the proportionally large decrease in fat mass. Diagnostic Questions Diagnostic Questions || HandoutHandout